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SEASON 9

Note: Some of the images in the Season 9 recaps are missing because the links broke when the old site was shut down. Someday if there’s time and/or interest we’ll go back and fix them. Sorry for any inconvenience!

CHUNKEY'S IDOL RECAP: THE WINNER IS CHOSEN. I AM FREEEE!! BUT FIRST, LET'S LISTEN TO SONGS THE IDOLS WERE CONCEIVED TO!

Welcome my friends to the end of a very long journey. Tonight we crown the winner of American Idol season 9, and more importantly, I am free from the self imposed punishment of these weekly recaps. While watching this I had the good fortune to participate in the liveblog here which actually made watching this …

CHUNKEY'S IDOL RECAP: IT'S ALMOST OVER. FUCK TO THE YEAH!

So you guy’s don’t even KNOW how totally thrilled I am that this horrible season is coming to a close. I could write something that would fully encapsulate my feelings, but instead this gif spam will suffice: The show starts with more exciting promo monkey tomfoolery, and if one was to tune in for the …

CHUNKEY'S IDOL RECAP: THE FINAL 2 IS CHOSEN. OH AND TRAVIS GARLAND IS HERE! WAIT…..WHO?

Right now I am standing on a street corner, in my best tattered garb, wearing a sandwich board that proclaims “THE END IS NEAR”. But instead of decrying the way humanity has lost it’s way, I am talking about American Idol. No, no, not how American Idol has lost it’s way, but just that’s it’s …

CHUNKEY'S IDOL RECAP: THE TOP 3 PERFORM FOR A TICKET TO THE FINALE. TONIGHT IS PART 1 OF THE FOREPLAY BEFORE THE BIGGEST FAKE ORGASM EVER.

Howdy folks. I thought that this recap needed to start out with a warm, friendly “howdy folks” before I start droppin f-bombs left and right at another night of my life I will never get back. Tonight is top 3 performance night. The night where we get one step closer to ending this excruciating season. The contestants …

CHUNKEY'S IDOL RECAP: RESULTS SHOW. WE BUILD OUR TOP 3 AND REINFORCE OUR LOVE FOR PUPPIES!!

So it’s time for results. Otherwise known as the night when either Big Mike or Angel Jizz go home. Because, come on now, Lee or Crystal is not gonna go. This season has had little to zero surprise so I am pretty confident in stating that. Not that I care really either way. Bon Jovi, …

CHUNKEY'S IDOL RECAP: TOP 4 MOVIE NIGHT. BUT IS IT IN 3D????????????

So tonight is songs from movies night and at first I was a little on edge that I wouldn’t be able to see all the awesomeness unfold due to inclement weather in the area. There were tornado warnings to the east and south of me and our damn Fox weatherman kept cutting in. But I …

CHUNKEY'S IDOL RECAP: RESULTS SHOW. IT'S THE HARRY CONNICK JR. HOUR! WITH SPECIAL APPEARANCES BY PAUL LYNDE, CHARRO, AND TOPO GIGIO!

And now, the end is near An Idol faces the final curtain Each filled us all with fear And when they sing, we all are hurtin’ And if, Aaron should go Then I would scream out, oh happy day And this, and this recap, I did it my way Welcome to results night. Someone will go home! …

CHUNKEY IDOL RECAP: TOP 5 PERFORM. STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT….BUTCHERING SINATRA SONGS. SHOOBY DOOBY DOO.

Ah Sinatra. Old Blue Eyes. The Chairman of the Board. Father of the daughter whose boots were made for walkin. Tonight the Idols will tackle the classic songs of Frank Sinatra and I can’t wait for the train wrecks to ensue! Because you KNOW somewhere deep in Jersey there is a special, ahem, group of …

CHUNKEY'S IDOL RECAP: RESULTS SHOW. I AM SO BORED I CAN'T EVEN THINK OF A SNAZZY TITLE.

It’s results time again and the DRAMATIC opening is a ambrosia of the following kick ass elements: Backstagery. “Extraordinary team” Makeup application. Big Mike bald head shine. “Who will go home?” Countdown clock. 5….4…3…2…1….. OMG GUYS RUN!! THIS SHOW IS GONNA BLOOOOW!! Sadly though I cannot run because I have to recap this shit. If …

CHUNKEY'S IDOL RECAP: TOP 6 PERFORM. THERE IS A TIM SHAPED HOLE IN MY HEART.

So. Here we are again. The same time, the same place, the same Ryan Seacrest. Yet…..something is missing. Something doesn’t feel the same. I can’t place my finger on it but, it’s almost like someone took a hole out of my heart. A big, smiley, tone deaf, badly in need of a haircut–shaped hole out of my …

CHUNKEY'S IDOL RECAP: IDOL GIVES BACK—ANOTHER CONTESTANT.

Tonight is no ordinary Idol–tonight is IDOL GIVES BACK. A night where Idol sheds it’s conventions–terrible covers, unintelligible critiques, tweens swaying like the studio is a crusie ship on a rocky sea–and GIVES BACK to the less fortunate here in America and in Africa. We not only get to kiss another contestant goodbye(Thank God!) but …

CHUNKEY'S IDOL RECAP: TOP 7 PERFORM. MAN, I'M SOOOOO HIGH!! WOOOOO!

Welcome to another episode of the soap opera known as American Idol. “Like turds through the toilet bowl, these are the days of our Idol…” I think it’s appropriate that tonight’s show takes place on National Pot Day. I was kinda worried when I heard that, thinking Ryan would be off for the night, but …

CHUNKEY'S IDOL RECAP: DOUBLE ELIMINATION NIGHT. WILL RYAN BE ON HIS MEDS TONIGHT?? TUNE IN TO SEE!!

So how WACKY was Ryan last night on Idol? On the wackiness scale he was somewhere in between Paula Abdul and Carrot Top’s face. Maybe the more appropriate scale to use is the “impending meltdown” scale as it kinda seems he was having one. Why so cray Ry? Have the chemicals from all that sunless …

CHUNKEY'S IDOL RECAP: YOU GOT ADAM LAMBERT IN MY SEASON 9! YOU GOT SEASON 9 IN MY ADAM LAMBERT!!

Put on your blue sude shoes and fry up some peanut butter and banana sandwiches and get ready to die on a toilet–it’s Elvis night on Idol!!! An episode so chock full of Elvis-ness that if Michael Jackson was alive he would try and marry it! Tonight the finalists will tackle the songbook of the …

CHUNKEY'S IDOL RECAP: TOP 9 RESULTS. SOMEBODY SAVE ME! NO NOT HIM—SAVE MEEEE!!

After last night’s EPICOSITY I am not sure that the results show can fully entertain me. Is it wrong to say that, for the first time, I genuinely enjoyed last night’s performance episode? Yeah we still had the same rag tag contestants and the same subpar singing and the TIM URBAN…but yet….I felt that the cast FINALLY …

CHUNKEY'S IDOL RECAP: LENNON AND MCCARTNEY SONG NIGHT. PLAY THIS EPISODE BACKWARDS AND HEAR A HIDDEN RECIPE FOR A BITCHIN RISOTTO!

We are back for yet another fun filled night of music or music-like performances. YAY! And tonight our rag tag group of misfit Idols are tackling THE biggest song writing duo of all time. Lennon and McCartney. Oh boy. Help! It’s gonna be A Hard Day’s Night indeed listening to all this Helter Skelter on …

CHUNKEY'S IDOL RECAP: ANOTHER ONE GOES HOME AND–AHHH WHO CARES!! BIEBER IS HERE!! ZOMG!!!!

  I’M BAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!! Did ya miss me? Well I wasn’t truly gone, I was here in spirirt as my beloved BushKat helped with this week’s Idol duties. I had to tie them up and whip them–repeatedly–to get them to do it….and maaaybe they liked it a bit too much….but they did A WONDERFUL JOB!! And since I …

CHUNKEY'S IDOL RECAP: TOP 10 PERFORMANCE. BUSHKAT TAKEOVER–I AM TIED UP IN THE CLOSET. HELP ME!

DUE TO THE FACT THAT REAL LIFE SUCKS AND REQUIRES YOU TO TAKE SUPER HARD, LONG ASS CERTIFICATION TESTS FOR YOUR CAREER, I WILL NOT BE RECAPPING THIS WEEK’S PERFORMANCE SHOW IN MY USUAL, AWESOME MANNER. GOTTA STUDY FOR THIS SATURDAY YA’LL! THAT’S WHY MY TWO SUPER AWESOME PARTNERS IN CRIME ARE FILLING IN!! BUT DON’T WORRY, THERE …

CHUNKEY'S IDOL RECAP: TOP 11 RESULTS. WAKE ME UP BEFORE ANOTHER IDOL GO GO'S. ON SECOND THOUGHT, NAH. JUST LET ME SLEEP.

  Results time! Throw your hands in the air and wave em if ya just don’t care! HEYYY! HOOOO! WOOOO! It’s gonna be a true party in the USA tonight because MILEY IS PERFORMING!! It may be the worst party ever–like the kind where you don’t know anyone and there is no booze and all …

CHUNKEY'S IDOL RECAP: THE TOP 11 SHOW US ALL HOW MUCH #1 SONGS REALLY SUCK.

Here we are again. Another night of sure to be thrilling performances that will forever change the landscape of music. Right? RIGHT? Ryan’s disembodied head floats creepily over the remaining contestants on the big screen behind them, but somehow as the camera pans over the line up, Ryan pops up at the end!! WUT NOW? HE’S A WIZARD!! …

CHUNKEY'S IDOL RECAP: TOP 12 RESULTS SHOW. TIM URBAN…..PLEASE?? PLEEEASE??

Well it’s time to cut the first top 12 contestant. We are thismuch closer to crowning Tim Urban the winner of American Idol season 9! Can you FEEL the excitement in the air? Know what else I can feel in the air? Well, I can smell it in the air actually….and that’s the boozy stench …

CHUNKEY'S IDOL RECAP: TOP 12 PERFORM. WILD HORSES COULDN'T BRING ME ANY SATISFACTION OR SYMPATHY FROM THE DEVIL.

Here we are again. I said I was gonna leave. I turned off my TV and picked up a book and then I realized…I. CAN’T. REEEAAAD!! OMG!! So I am stuck here in this abusive relationship. I am Tina Turner and Idol is that dude that whooped the shit outta Tina Turner. What’s talent got to …

CHUNKEY'S IDOL RECAP: TOP 12 CHOSEN. AKA THE DAY THE MUSIC DIED.

BE WARNED THAT THIS RECAP CONTAINS PROFANITY AND EXCESSIVE USE OF GIFS TO DISPLAY RAAAAGE. GRANTED ALL MY RECAPS HAVE THAT BUT STILL…YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. If you have been reading my recaps—thanks all 10 of you!–you know by now my clear disgust for this season. True nothing could compare to the epicness of last …

CHUNKEY'S IDOL RECAP: TOP 24 GUYS. BINKIE'S AND BIKINI'S. GET READY TO ROCK!

It’s the time for the guys to wake us up from the coma the girls put us in. RIGHT? COME ON GUYS!! LET’S DO THIS THING!! Ryan is clearly ready for a “let’s show the girls how we do this” smackdown as he introduces the remaining guys in the……most…..dramatic…..way……..possible!! Going down the line of contestants …

CHUNKEY'S IDOL RECAP: TOP 24 GIRLS. PUT ON YOUR JAMMIES, THIS ONE'S A SNOOZER!!

First I want to preface this recap by saying that it is really hard to be snarky and funny when you are utterly despondent and depressed and shit about work and life in general, but that I will try and do my best with this recap. Hopefully I will be able to stay awake to …

CHUNKEY'S IDOL RECAP: TOP 24 RESULTS. WHO CARES ABOUT RESULTS! I GET TO MOCK GOKEY. CAN HE BE ON EVERY WEEK?

Ok. WHO FUCKIN CARES ABOUT TONIGHT’S RESULTS WHEN THE MAJESTY THAT IS DANNY FUCKIN GOKEY IS ON TONIGHT TO ENTHRALL US ALL WITH HIS COUNTRY MUSICAL STYLINGS!!!! I AM SO EXCITED I THINK I JUST PEED A LITTLE. The show starts off with some Ryan talking…blah blah blah…GET TO GOKEY….The judges are introduced…GET TO GOKEY….Apparently …

CHUNKEY'S IDOL RECAP: TOP 24. THE GIRLS GET OFF THEIR ASS AND DO SOMETHING FINALLY. (SORRY CRYSTAL. STAY STRONG!)

Finally it’s time for the girls to take the stage. I’m sure they enjoyed their extra day to practice and have pillow fights and braid each others hair while Crystal Bowersox was in the hospital enjoying sugar free jello and doctors asking her if they could get Simon’s autograph for them. With an extra day …

CHUNKEY'S IDOL RECAP: TOP 24. THE GIRLS…WAIT. WOAH. IT'S THE GUYS AGAIN!!

Welcome to the continuation of my living nightmare, aka American Idol 9: Teh Season of Suck. Sit and stay a while won’t cha? Word on da streetz is that hippie chick Crystal Bowersox got some bower in her sox, or some sox in her bower, and had to go to the hospital. So the guys …

CHUNKEY'S IDOL RECAP: TOP 24. THE FIRST CUT IS THE DEEPEST.

  Tonight the hammer falls. The curtain is closed. The lights are dimmed on a dream……..DOES MY AWESOME IMAGERY MAKE YOU EXCITED FOR A WHOLE HOUR OF SOMETHING THAT CAN BE ACCOMPLISHED IN 20 MINUTES TOPS? YAYAYAYAYAY!  It’s the first results show of the season–jam packed with filler, results, filler, filler, a performance or two, …

CHUNKEY'S IDOL RECAP: TOP 24. TIME FOR A SAUSAGE FEST(AKA IT'S THE MEN'S TURN TO SUCK!)

Welcome to Idol. IT’S SAUSAGE FEST TIME!! WOO! The testosterone is thick in the air as Ryan stalks the stage dramatically. THIS IS AMERICAN–SIMON STOP TALKING!! Wait. Wut? That’s not how it goes!! Ryan tells us we are in store for another night of amazing performances to which I say…Ryan were you hosting a different …

CHUNKEY'S IDOL RECAP: TOP 24. IT'S LADIES NIGHT, OH WHAT A NIGHT…..TO SUCK.

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG IT’S TIME FOR A PLATFORM THAT WILL LAUNCH ONE OF THE 24 PEEPS INTO SUPER STARDOM!!! Personally at this point I would rather they launch them into space or something…where they can’t hear you scream OR sing because…I am bored. Ryan informs us we are live and it’s time to get srs!biz. The girls …

CHUNKEY'S IDOL RECAP: HOLLYWOOD. THE END IS NOW. AKA 3 HOURS OF MY LIFE I WILL NEVER GET BACK.

And now…the time is near. The Idols face….the final curtain. The drama of Hollywood week comes to a crescendo, so says Ryan. Or more like….THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!!! Where more good people will get cut for mediocre people who make “good TV”. Colbie Calliet’s “Bubbly” plays as Ryan muses poetically. Imagine leaving your job, your family, …

CHUNKEY'S IDOL RECAP: HOLLYWOOD WEEK PART 2 ELECTRIC DRAMA LLAMALOO. NO I WILL NEVER STOP DOING THAT.

    The episode opens with Ryan telling us that the “worst is about to come” and there is no reason to doubt him. This is Hollywood week. Anything can happen, especially on…DUN DUN DUN…….group day. NNNOOOOOO!!! OH THE HUMANITY!!!!      It’s the most un-holy of all audition days. Groups are formed. Alliances made. …

CHUNKEY'S IDOL RECAP: HOLLYWOOD WEEK DAY 1. POPPING ELLEN'S IDOL CHERRY.

The time has come. Auditions are over and it’s Hollywood week. Ellen is in DA HOUSE, but I already feel the ghost of Paula Abdul is looming over this Hollywood week. Or maybe I am still tripping from the drugs she gave me?  Mark my words–Ellen is likable and smart and funny and well spoken….but will …

CHUNKEY'S IDOL RECAP: AUDITIONS. THE END IS HERE. REJOICE!!

  Tonight…..is the night. The final show before Hollywood week. And apparently we are still in Denver because the show hasn’t told me otherwise. It did however tell me to kill everyone so…there’s that. Oh and Mannequin Spice is still zigazig there with her zigazig hair all wound so tight it’s like, who needs Botox? …

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