(credit to Farah for the banner and azrielen for her amazing Zombie!Kris creation)
TMZ:Too Many Zombies
by the Glittizens of Icelandia
Complete in 12 Chapters, plus Epilogue and Musical Coda
Adam loves the scent of earth, at least since he was Turned. This may have been true when he was alive as well, but it has been too long and the memories are lost. Since his change, smells now carry so much more meaning: danger, lust – and often intertwined with both of these – food. But earth is reassuringly neutral, surrounding and accepting the weight of his steps while the rest of the world, or enough of it, refuses to accept that he exists at all.
He would not admit this to anyone, if there was anyone to tell, that when he is feeling especially alone, Adam will tuck into a secluded corner of the forest, drop to his knees and sink his hands through the moss and dead leaves and into the dark loam beneath. He holds there a moment, feeling the strange combination of warmth and coolness and weight press against his touch, not resisting but merely there. Then with a slow curl he balls his hands and pulls up fistfuls of earth, bending low to draw in the deep scent. It is rich and soft and full of shadows – of shifting plates and red-hot lava that made this world, of ancient oceans that flowed miles beneath him, replaced by ice, then sands, then plants simple and rubbery, becoming more delicate and complex with each passing eon. He draws in a deep breath of history, the scent of dead things, and knows he will never rest there.
It is not surprising that the scent is what Adam first noticed about the Allen boy, who owned the farm at the edge of the village nearest the woods. Kristopher was the latest in the Allen family to work the land here, having recently repaired the cracked boards of the modest house built by his grandfather, Neil, some fifty years prior. Adam was familiar with the Allen homestead, having occasionally taken advantage of the livestock yard when a newborn calf smelled particularly delicious, but the humans never held much interest for him. Unlike others of his kind, Adam didn’t prefer the blood of most humans, and found little to concern himself with otherwise. He is familiar with most of the families in the village, and he is known by them, but as long as they stay out of his way with their bony arms and incessant chatter, he stayed out of theirs.
Until one evening, when Adam began his stroll around the limits of the village just as the danger of the sunlight dipped behind the mountains. Passing the Allen fields, Adam was suddenly overwhelmed with the deep scent of new earth being turned, the heat of the day’s baking sun rolling underneath as the rich topsoil meets the cool air of evening. It is so thick and strong that Adam’s knees nearly buckle and a small moan escapes from somewhere deep in his belly. He’s never smelled anything so sexy in his life. Looking to his left, he sees the Allen boy driving a small ox, following behind and working a hand plow into the ruts left by last week’s harvest, working the soil up and over, focused and unhurried, a small smile playing at the edges of his mouth.
Given Adam’s active hours, he can count on one hand the number of times he’s seen a field being plowed, and that is usually when he has had a long night and is rushing to beat the sun home, and enthusiastic farmhands have gotten an early start. But something about this, the languid pleasure the Allen boy takes in the task, the way his muscles tense and relax as he guides the plow, and the intoxicating scent emerging from the field stops Adam in his tracks. Adam involuntarily leans on the top of the rail fence and just watches.
Even in the darkening sky, Kristopher soon senses that he is not alone. His ox lumbers awkwardly around a turn at the end of a row, and as Kristopher follows behind the plow, he sees Adam leaning on the fence, startlingly close. Without a pause, Kristopher breaks into a wide, relaxed smile, eyes half-lidded even in the darkness. Adam cannot help but smile back.
“Well, howdy there, sir.” Kris drawls easily at Adam. “If I knew this was a show I would have charged a penny.”
It has been so long since Adam has laughed it almost chokes him, which makes Kristopher laugh in turn, and hold out his hand.
“Kristopher Allen. I’ve seen you about town but I can’t say I know you.”
Hesitating slightly, Adam reaches and wraps his pale hand around Kristopher’s brown one. If Kristopher is surprised by Adam’s touch, he betrays it only by a slight shiver. His eyes are clear, and looking straight into Adam’s.
And so after that the two of them were basically pretty hot and gay for each other. But it was like, the olden times, and those towns folks had their own version of Prop 8 and it was like, Prop “we will drag you from a mule” or something because they did not approve of homosexual courtin’. So they had a super steamy ole timey secret love affair because Kris was married to some chick and she was all “woe is me churning butter in my petticoat” so they could truly never be together. Only forbidden tumbles in the hay. Literally. Because in olden times there was lots of hay lying around.
Anyways, there was another vampire in the town, names Quackswich, who didn’t like Adam because he was such a hottie and scored all the pigs blood, so there was a rivalry there. And one day Quackswich kills ole timey Kris because he is bored. And vampire Adam is so sad and totally feels responsible that he books it outta there on a covered wagon to go find some gold or something. Because I think this is around the time of the gold rush. It’s a long time ago. Point is, he is all emo, which back then just meant sad, and so he roams the world being all vampirey and stuff. So all that drama happens and it brings us to what is happening now.
The moon up above was full and bright, the kind of moon Adam liked best. Not for any particular vampirey reason, but simply because it made it easier to see his way in the dark. He often got pretty pissed when people automatically assumed that just because he was a vampire he could see in the dark. He was not a cat!
Plus he totally made it with a werewolf once so the moon kinda gave him a boner.
But anyways, everything seemed to piss Adam off since his true love died hundreds of years ago. And he was quite happy in his unhappiness. He found it suited him, and not just because the pale, skinny, emo boy look was in fashion. But because wandering around a lot and skulking in shadows was a very vampirey thing to do anyways, so it just felt natural. Besides, no matter what he did to pass the time—from sucking the blood from tranny’s outside the super awesome gay discotheque he owned in West Hollywood, to sucking the blood from drunk, bi-curious frat boys, to building houses for Habitat for Humanity—he was never fulfilled. He could never fill the Kris shaped hole in his heart.
And as Adam wandered around in the usual way, he found himself in a deserted, totally mysterious and spooky graveyard. He had been too busy admiring the way the moonlight twinkled off the rhinestones on his awesome fucking jacket to notice where he was going. But when he looked up he stopped in his tracks.
He hadn’t been in a graveyard since the day they buried ole timey Kris. The pain was still way fresh—as fresh as the soil under his feet. When he looked down and saw the upturned soil of a freshly dug grave he lost his vampirey composure.
“Why Kris! Why!” He yelled out in pain. He raised an angry fist to the sky and shook it like a Polaroid picture. “Why was thou taken from me so soon! Why did God smite thee!?!” He felt all the anger within him burst like the housing market bubble. He sank to his knees.
With his head in his hands he moaned. He moaned, and not in the way he wanted to be moaning, because he only liked to moan in a sexual context. But he was just so sad, half because he missed his true love and the other half because he realized he had just dirtied his awesome designer jeans. He was so completely emo that he almost didn’t see the super mysterious figure lurking in the shadows.
“Who is there?” Adam asked when his vampire senses started to tingle. The mysterious figure in the mysterious shadows moved mysteriously.
“I don’t have any friends. I am a lonely vampire. I am too caught up in my inner turmoil to make friends.”
“Oh but you know me. Come on now, don’t you recognize my voice?”
The voice was low, yet high. It was thick, yet thin. It was sweet, yet spicy. It was raspy, yet not so raspy. Basically Adam was confused as fuck. “Sorry babe, but I hear a lot of voices everyday. Because I talk to a lot of super cool people at the amazing gay discotheque I own downtown. Not because I am crazy, or that the voices of my tortured past call to me, haunting me with their cries. Or anything like that.”
“I would think my voice would be especially memorable. Or maybe that it would stir special feelings deep inside you?”
The only special feeling Adam felt brewing inside him was because of a bad burrito he bought at the 7-11 and it actually was not that special but kinda gross. “Are you trying to proposition me or something mysterious stranger? Don’t get me wrong, I am totally into that, but it’s just that usually this kinda stuff happens at the graveyard across the street—Horny Pines. This is Whispering Pines.”
“Oh hush up now. You’re as chatty as a hen in a whorehouse three sheets to the wind.”
Adam did a double take. If had water in his mouth he would have done a spit take. He would recognize that folksy southern expression that ultimately made no sense anywhere. “Kris? It can’t be? Is that you?”
His words were met with a brief silence before the mysterious figure spoke. “Yes, it is I. Kris VonAllenton the III.”
Adam’s world was rocked. He could not process this amazing revelation. Was he truly talking to his lost love? Was this a dream? Had he somehow fallen into the underworld? Was there drugs in his weed? “I thought you were dead? Quackwich made his evil rabid monkeys attack you! I saw it! So many monkeys—angry, angry monkeys.”
“I did die.”
“But…” Adam was totally bugging out. “It’s not possible! If you died how can I be talking to you? Unless, am I dead too?”
“You are not dead, and this is real. Do not fight your feelings. Search yourself. You know this to be true.”
Adam wanted to believe, but he was so skeptical. “I seek proof. Come to me. Let me see you.” He was also quite horny. “Take off your pants and show me that you’re really Kris.”
“I would, but there is something you need to know about me first.” Kris protested in a dramatic, super mysterious way, his words all foreboding.
“There’s not much more I need to know. I know it all. I have seen it all. From many different positions.”
“But this is different.” Kris proclaimed. “It’s mysterious and secret-y and not really sexy in a sexy way. But I guess kinda sexy if you are into mysterious and secret-y things.” Kris stepped slowly out of the shadows, but it was still dark and you could totally not see anything. “I have changed since you last saw me in those ye olden times.”
Adam knew Kris had a point. It had been a long time. Kris could be completely different from the young, bright eyed farm boy he loved. Surely whatever he had been through he must have had some serious emotional damage. Plus, he could be totally fat or something.
“As long as you’re not fat, I can handle anything baby.”
Kris laughed all mysteriously and began walking towards Adam. Or something like walking, but it was more like a shuffle. Adam wondered if Kris had been drinking. He was after all, chillin in a graveyard at night, something only drunkards and guys trying to score did.
Kris came closer, but stopped when he was far enough away from Adam to be still hidden in the darkness, the silhouette of his still trim body backlit and caressed by the sexy, sexy moon.
“Oh my Ra! You’re not fat!” Adam rejoiced.
But Adam’s happiness at him not being a fatty was lost on Kris because he was too busy striking a dramatic pose a few feet away. After a few moments of awkward silence of Adam wondering what the fuck Kris was doing, Kris cleared his throat and began to sing.
“SECONDS…..HOURS…..SO MANY BRAINS……”
He waited a beat and lifted his head slowly till two red glowing orbs were visible, staring back at Adam.
Adam was kinda confused as to why Kris was singing but he decided to roll with it.
“THAT YOU WANT TO EAT BUT HOW LONG CAN YOU WAAAAIT?”
Kris threw his hands up and twirled. He twirled like he used to twirl back in the olden days when he and Adam would twirl in Old McFlannelbottom’s barn after the secret sex.
Suddenly the earth began to tremble.
“EVERY HUMAN TASTES DELICIOUS….WHEN YOU’RE HUNGRY AND VISCOUS…”
A chorus of voices rang out behind Adam, startling him. He turned around to see the earth from the gravesites start to upturn as the boney, slimy, super gross limbs of corpses started clawing their way up from below. Adam gagged, because even though he sucked blood, dead people still totally grossed him out. And these corpses were totally gross.
The corpses began to shimmy forward in time with each other, doing some sort of weird dance in a formation. Step, step, shoulder pop, shoulder pop. Arms out, head down, thrust, thrust, look up, step, step, arms flail out, switch sides, head back, arm flail, thrust, thrust, jump legs in, clap hands above head, step out, slide in, clap hands above head, prance, prance, thrust and flail arms, thrust, shimmy and point, shimmy and point, zombie walk, zombie walk, switch sides, jump, jump back, wave one arm on the air, thrust the pelvis, thrust again, limp leg shuffle in a semi-circle, look back over shoulder, crouch and march.
The whole spectacle was oddly thrilling.
“BECAUSE MY LIFE HAS BEEN TAKEN AWAY…A DISEASED MONKEY HAS MADE ME THIS WAAAAY….”
The corpses waved their nasty rotting arms back and forth and bobbed their heads to the smooth groove Kris was layin down.
“BUT YOU GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON….BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND YO U’RE GAY….”
Kris pointed at Adam and Adam nodded. He couldn’t argue with that.
“SO HERE I AM ALL DECOMPOSING!”
Kris stepped into the light of the moon. Hidden no more Adam could see that his skin was all grey and green and splotchy. His eyes had the vacant stare of a Miss Universe pageant contestant. But he was still totally built. And he still had good hair which is very important. He raised one of his arms to the sky triumphantly and belted.
“I AM A ZOMBIEEEEE!”
The girl corpses, which you could tell they were girls because they had pink bows in what was left of their hair, swooned. Even the men corpses did too, though they were less obvious about it.
Adam was shocked. His true love was alive—well sorta. He was a zombie, which shouldn’t have surprised him that much considering it was the rule. If you get attacked by a monkey you will become a zombie. Every movie said so.
“WITH EVERY STEP I GROAN A LITTLE LOUDER…”
Kris started to shuffle forward again. The corpses followed—step touch, step touch, shimmy, shimmy.
“EVERY BREATH I TAKE I DO NOT NEEEEED…..”
Step touch, step touch, jazz hands, jazz hands.
“BECAUSE I AM UNDEAD! DON’T SHOOT ME IN THE HEAD! ON BRAINS I WANT TO FEEEEED!”
Kris’ jaw jutted to the side as he reached for the glory note and the corpses really got into that shit and formed a kick line. At one point Adam swore he saw a toe break off and fly right past him.
“JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU’RE DEAD AND YOU’RE A GONER! JUST WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN BURIED TWELVE FEET DEEP!”
Kris lounged on top of a statue of a crying angel all seductive like, writhing and shimmying.
“YOUR BODY STARTS TO SHAKE! AND YOU REANIMATE!”
Kris ran his hands down his chest, clutching at his super tight plaid shirt and shimmied and thrusted some more. Adam felt his naughty bits begin to tingle. He didn’t care if Kris was a zombie, he was still totally doable. He wanted to drop his vampire pants right then and there and get down to some sexy zombie on vampire action.
“I AM A ZOOOMBIEEEEEE!”
Kris jumped off the statue and cried out passionately to the heavens.
‘”I WANT TO EAT FLESH…..”
A corpse did a flying jump. One did a pirouette and other super fancy ballet moves.
“WHEN IT’S NICE AND FRESH….”
Another corpse did the roger rabbit, another the stanky leg. Then there was a totally super awesome gay section of dancing corpses who were trying to vogue and look unaffected.
‘I AM A ZOMBIEEEEE!”
The corpses were all surrounding Kris now and getting down like something outta Soul Train, and Kris just twirled and twirled in the middle. His arms were raised to the sky and20as it began to rain the scene looked like some weird mash up of ‘Night of the Living Dead’ and ‘Shawshank Redemption’.
“I’LL SUCK OUT YOUR BRAINS AND THEN I WILL SUCK ONTO YOUR PEEEEN!”
Kris smiled a sexy zombie smile and Adam felt deep urges within him stir to the surface. BOOOOING!
The corpses were now raising Kris on their shoulders, which is super difficult because dead people don’t have a lot of muscle mass, but somehow they managed to do it. Maybe because he was so pocket sized.
“I AM A ZOMBIEEEEEE!”
Kris sang, grinning like a fool.
“I AM A ZOMBIEEEEEEE!”
Tears ran down Kris’ cheeks as confetti fell from the sky and some weird Latino corpse appeared out of nowhere to totally be hanging all over him.
Adam rushed towards Kris when the corpses finally put him down. ‘Kris, I don’t care if you are the undead, technically I am dead too. Of course I am a lot cooler being a vampire and all because those Twilight books are all the rage. When was the last time being a zombie was cool? Anyways, I totally love you and let’s go off and do it.”
“No. No.” Kris shook his head. He totally wanted to have sex but he was all torn up inside and conflicted. ‘We are from two different worlds. It could never work. Plus it would violate the gay vampire code.”
“That’s true. It totally would.”
“It would also violate the Zombeva Convention of 1413, which was like the Geneva Convention, but for zombies. I learned about it in awesome zombie school.”
Adam was so torn up inside. He wanted to scream and run away crying and flailing like a little girl. Why was the universe so cruel and torturous? Why tear two hot men apart from each other then return them to each other only to yank them away once more. It was so not cool. “But, we can find a place of our own.” Adam cried desperately. “A little fixer upper somewhere where no one knows what we are. Far, far away. You can have a little garden. I can open a little general store and sell glitter. We can eat brains and suck blood….together.”
“No! It’s forbidden! So forbidden and wrong! And dirty! And naughty!” Kris shook his head and cried. The rain stopped and suddenly it got all foggy and a taxi drove up the lane. “I see my taxi is here. I must be going.”
“No Kris. You cannot leave me again!”
“I will never truly leave you.” Kris reached out and touched a zombie finger to Adam’s chest over his heart space. His fingertip glowed bright red. “I will always be right here.”
“Please don’t go!” Adam sniffled, and vampires so do not sniffle so that meant he was super sad.
Kris reached up and touched Adam’s cheek ever so softly, so tender like a scene from a Nicholas Sparks novel, before turning away and heading for the taxi.
Adam was so upset he could not watch his true love go, and turned his back to him as the taxi door slammed. As he heard the car roll away he turned around, determined not to be a big pussy and cry. But when he turned around he got a surprise. “Kris!? You didn’t leave!”
“Zombie rules be damned.” Kris outstretched his arms. “Let’s do this.”
The two of them ran towards each other. Well, Adam ran, Kris shorta shuffled because zombies aren’t that well coordinated and can’t really run., and crashed into each others embrace.
Then vampire!Adam had to go somewhere very suddenly and mysteriously. Something about blood or checking in at his discotheque or something equally fabulous. And just as suddenly, I decided to start narrating this story in the first person and present tense.
So I’m just walking through this park alone at night, minding my own business, when this vampire!Adam flies overhead. I’m like, wut the actual frick, because I don’t even know who Adam is yet in this part of the story. I’m normal, present-day Kris. You know, winner of American Idol season 8, eater of copious plums, alum of kick-awesome school, and owner of the world’s best poker face.
When zombie!Kris approaches me with lust in his eyes, my stomach churns with conflict. I’ve never been attracted to zombies before, and I can’t help but fiddle with my wedding ring. Oh zombie!me, with your deep brown eyes and bewitching lopsided grin, why must you be so adorable?
I lean my head back and part my lips slightly, waiting for zombie!me to take the next move, but instead he surprises me by trying to eat my brain. “Nom! Nom! Nom!” zombie!Kris slurs, sexily.
Wow, Katy never tried to eat my brain.
But this is non-consensual brain eating, and I need to fight back. So I do. I hit zombie!Kris in the head with a random guitar that I find and then he chases me shouting “Nom Kris Brain! Nom Kris Brain!” And I shove another guitar in his face and throw a few in his path to slow him down as I run away, my sweet lady-hips rolling sensuously with every step forward.
Then I hear the most beautiful sound I have ever heard in my life. Following the seductive sounds that have seduced me, I come upon a clearing where a small and handsome man is playing a guitar. I can’t quite see his face, as he is hunched over in concentration, but his voice is that of an angel or possibly an American Idol winner, and I quickly recognize the song he is singing when he utters the phrase “plagued by men.”
My throbbing chest heaving, I swoon, and am utterly conflicted about it. Who is this man, with the fluffy brown hair and big hairy hands, and how does he know my song? And why am I so viscerally attracted to him? Internally, I search my heart. I have never been attracted to strange men who look like me before. I find that I am fiddling with my wedding ring.
Behind me, I hear zombie!Kris approaching. The mysterious stranger lifts his head in surprise and I see that he is me. His face is a sexy milky white and his pointy teeth protrude over his pouty lower lip, dripping blood. Or possibly plum juice. He is a vampire me! I almost faint with shock, but before I can, zombie!Kris is next to me, staring lustfully at vampire!Kris.
“Nom vampire brains!” Zombie!Kris mutters, staggering toward Vampire!Kris.
There is a lustful gleam in Vampire!Kris’ eyes as he says under his breath, “Ooohhh, zombie blood!” And opens his mouth to further reveal his dagger-like incisors.
Just as the two creatures are about to destroy each other, I jump into the clearing, my arms spread. “HUSH CATS!” I scream.
And just like that, the mood shifts. Vampire!me and Zombie!me start passionately kissing, their hands groping each other. I watch in horrified amazement as Vampire!me rips Zombie!me’s already tattered clothes off, revealing a surprisingly sexy body for a zombie. Then Zombie!me rips off Vampire!me’s old timey, vampirey jacket and top hat and before I know it, there are two naked me’s standing there in the moonlight, a brain-eating zombie one and a blood-lusting vampire one.
And they beckon to me. I am truly conflicted because after all, I am married, and even if there is something stirring within me, some sort of homosexual attraction for these other me’s, I can’t act on it. And after all, I’m not gay, am I!?!?? I anxiously fiddle with my wedding ring and wonder – if you’re having sex with alternate versions of yourself, does that make you gay?
But before I can think about it anymore, Zombie!me tears my clothes off and starts blowing me. And Vampire!me begins to bite my neck a little, but then uses self-control to just kiss and lick my neck instead, which feels nice. Then vampire!me starts kissing me hard on the mouth, his tongue licking all over, while zombie!me blows me. I am utterly conflicted. I thought I was straight?!!? And not attracted to zombies/vampires?
Then the three of us form a circle-jerk where we are each jerking each other off, and it is really very confusing because we are pretty much identical, and it’s actually not that sexy because I mean, it’s exactly the SAME penis that I always jerk off when I’m alone, just attached to a zombie. So after that kind of doesn’t work out, we decide to just fuck each other, which is much better.
So we’re kind of in a line, with Vampire!me fucking me and then I’m fucking zombie!me because he turns out to really be quite the bottom. And Vampire!me keeps saying weird archaic shit like, “hitherto” and “perchance” and “gadzooks,” while Zombie!me is just moaning something about brains. I’m very conflicted. Am I gay, or am I simply a Krissexual? I mentally prepare myself to come out to Katy as an undead-sexual.
So then it’s all very sexy and we all come all over the place and then even zombie!me fucks vampire!me because he didn’t get to fuck anyone yet and then a bunch more fucking happens and it’s really very sexy but also very confusing for me and I keep wondering how I’m going to explain all of this to Katy.
Then!!!! Out of nowhere, Adam walks in all vampirey and sexy with his hooded eyes and top hat and coat with tails and he sees the three of us together and he’s angry at zombie!kris for some reason and I’ve never felt so conflicted before. And vampire!me runs away, but suddenly Adam throws a stake that he fashioned out of the neck of a guitar into vampire!me’s heart and vampire!me turns into dust and blows away in the wind. And I cry out “NOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooo! Sexy, sexy vampire meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! My heart will go on!” And I realize that there truly are no boundaries.
Then Adam fucks me and zombie Kris. And god help me, I liked it.
Kris tossed and turned, while Vampire!Adam snoozed beside him. Kris had always thought vampires didn’t sleep, but apparently Vampire!Adam needed his beauty rest. Kris just couldn’t get comfortable and it wasn’t because he was still covered in cum and lube and vampire saliva. No, it was an odd feeling deep within his belly. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it. As he fitfully tried to sleep, he thought back to that day in the field, romping with Zombie!Kris and Vampire!Kris and then Vampire!Adam as well. He had never been happier than he was that day. He missed Vampire!Kris so much because Vampire!Kris had been so sexy, but Vampire!Adam had apologized profusely for killing him and made it up to him in myriad unspeakable acts that Kris hadn’t even known he would like…but he did. He finally fell asleep. When Kris woke up the next morning, he felt so queasy. He scooted out from under Vampire!Adam’s loving embrace and ran to the bathroom, barely making it into the toilet bowl in time. As he a long string of spittle off his mouth, he felt Adam’s cold hands on his hips.
“Are you ok? That’s the 5th morning in a row you’ve thrown up. Something is wrong, my love.”
Kris could only nod his head as he bent over the bowl.
“I know you are ill, but you look so hot bent over like this. I must fuck you.” Vampire!Adam said stroking his hands over Kris’ hips and ass. “But let’s do it here, in case you get sick again.” And so they did, Kris’ head banging into the raised toilet seat rhythmically while Vampire!Adam plowed into him.
Later that day, Kris went to the doctor. The doctors ran test after test, looking grimmer and more concerned after each test.
“Mr. Allen. It appears you are a freak of nature.” the doctor said.
“I know, I know. I’ve got these womanly lady hips, but these giant biceps. Weird, huh?”
“No, that’s not what I meant, but that’s fascinating too. No, Mr. Allen. I must tell you. You are pregnant. It’s medically impossible since you have neither a vagina nor a uterus, but somehow there is a baby growing in there. We’re not even sure how we would deliver it since it can’t come out your peen hole, but we’ve got 9 months to figure that out…make that 8. I’m assuming you’ve been intimate with a man. You better go congratulate the father.”
Kris sat there stunned and alone since Vampire!Adam couldn’t come out in the daylight like those vampires in the Twilight movie. Vampire!Adam must be the father, but what about that day in the field? Could Zombie!Kris or Vampire!Kris be the father? Kris hoped Zombie!Kris was not the father. He’d probably eat the baby. Poor Vampire!Kris was a pile of dust so it was a guarantee he’d be a deadbeat dad. The father HAD to be Vampire!Adam. It had to.
Kris went straight home and knocked on Adam’s coffin.
“What did the doctor say? What’s wrong? Did you steal those bags of blood like I asked?” Adam asked.
“Oh crap, I’m sorry. I forgot the blood, but Adam, I have to tell you something. I’m pregnant.”
“Pregnant? I know there’s been some weird shit going down with zombies and vampire versions of you, but pregnant? C’mon you must be pulling my leg.” Vampire!Adam said.
“No. It’s true. They don’t know how or why. Adam…I’m not even sure who the father is! Remember that day in the field?” Kris cried, more tears running down his cheeks than when he won Mr. City Fest as a kid.
Adam pondered. “It doesn’t matter who your baby daddy is. I will love and accept the child as my own. Unless it’s a weird zombie!baby that tries to eat my fingers or something.”
“Brains, Adam. They only eat Brains.” Kris corrected.
“Oh, then it’s all good. I will be your baby daddy Kris. No matter who the real baby daddy is.”
And for 8 more months, Vampire!Adam took the best care of Kris and fetus!kris, making sure his every need was taken care of. Fetus!Kris moved a lot in Kris’ belly, his tiny little fetus foot kicking repeatedly and Adam and Kris couldn’t do anything but laugh at how much like Kris Fetus!Kris was. When it was time, they went to the hospital and the doctors delivered the baby somehow. Even Kris wasn’t sure how the baby came out, but his peen hole hurt for days. And baby!Kris was this beautiful little boy with fuzzy brown hair. Adam and Kris were so happy.
But one day, the Maury Povich show called. It seemed Zombie!Kris thought he might be the father and wanted to prove it on national television. Adam and Kris and baby!Kris reluctantly went to the Maury Povich show.
“So Zombie!Kris, you think you are the father?” Maury asked.
“Brains! Baby Brains!” Zombie!Kris yelled and the audience erupted, “Awww, he likes babies!!!”
Next Maury brought out a pile of dust. “Do you have anything to say for yourself, Vampire!Kris? What if you were the father?” but the pile of dust just sat there silent. The audience was having none of that and booed so hard the pile of dust blew away.
Finally, Maury brought out Vampire!Adam. “Is it true you suck blood from helpless animals and people?” The audience started booing and hissing before he could speak. Vampire!Adam gulped.
“Yes, Maury, it’s true. I’m a vampire. I drink blood. But I love Kris and I love baby!Kris whether he’s mine or not because he’s a part of Kris.” The audience let out a group “awwwwww” as Kris and Adam then proceeded to make out in front of the whole audience. When Vampire!Adam unzipped Kris’ pants, they cut to commercial so no one except the audience members got to see.
Maury brought out the results. A stagehand had swept the Vampire!Kris dust back into a pile.
“I don’t know how we even tested a pile of dust for DNA, but Vampire!Kris,” Maury said to the pile of dust. “You are NOT the father.” The audience cheered while Adam taunted the pile of dust.
Next was Zombie!Kris who was just staring blankly at the audience and saying NOM NOM NOM.
“Zombie!Kris, you are NOT the father!” Zombie!Kris looked sad, but ran over and ate a cameraman’s brain and then he felt much better.
“That means YOU, Vampire!Adam, you ARE the father!”
Kris and Vampire!Adam were so happy they forgot the audience was there again and they fucked each other silly without any lube, right there on the Maury Povich set. One big happy family. What could possibly go wrong?
You are going to regret ever asking that question.
There were two men sitting in the Maury Povich audience that didn’t quite fit into the surroundings. They didn’t yell “oh no you di’nt!” when Vampire!Adam started blowing Vampire!Kris’ dustpile into Maury’s face or cheer gleefully when Zombie!Kris ate the poor cameraman’s brains. They wore long coats that had seen better days and their faces were covered with what could best be described as “fur”. One had on glasses, and glared at Kris behind them, the passion of centuries of scorn and longing overwhelming his very being. Yet then….he looked at Vampire!Adam. And his eyes softened behind the rims of his glasses. The roots of his furry face tingled. He rubbed his hands against the harsh material covering his thighs, now too tight because of the bulge growing within it. He swallowed hard enough that his companion turned to look at him, his bright, dumb eyes wide. The one with the glasses scowled and stood up. It was time.
The man with the glasses pointed at Vampire!Adam, who gasped when he saw him. Kris looked confused, which was not terribly unusual. Maury’s eyes gleamed with ratings. Zombie!Kris ate the brains of the security guard. The audience sucked in its breath in unison, hoping that this strangely dressed man was more than just a bored Amish man on Rumspringa.
“I have traveled 300 years for you.”
His voice was soft, almost affectionate. He didn’t mean it to be, but he couldn’t help it. He should loathe this man, this beast, this creature. And yet…yet he LOVED him. With every fiber of his being, he loved him.
Vampire!Adam looked pale. Well, paler than usual. He hadn’t seen the man in 300 years. How could this be? I mean, yes, he was a vampire who just had a baby with a man who had an affair with a pile of dust and a zombie, but, seriously, TIME TRAVEL?? This was strange even by his standards.
Kris, seeing his usually confident vampire lover looking so unsure of himself, stood up to confront the stranger. “Hey you! Yeah you with the totally unstylish glasses and Torchwood-ripoff coat! Who are you and why are you time traveling for my baby daddy?”
The man took off his glasses then and almost barked. “I am the Good Preacher Daniel, sir. And I have come 300 years to save the man I love.”
Kris gulped and sat back down. “Oh. Well then.”
—–OLD TIMEY MUSIC PLAYS———-
300 Years Ago
As the town’s Good Preacher, Good Preacher Daniel had heard rumors of the Vampire!Scourge that had overtaken their village. He and his humble assistant, Deacon Manservant von PapaBear, tried their best to spread the Word of the Lord to the townspeople and keep them protected from those that wanted to infiltrate their souls with evil.
One day, however, he happened to be passing through a secluded part of the forest on his way home to spread the good Word all over himself when he spotted a man kneeling in the soil and sinking his hands into the dirt and the moss and the other stuff that were in the first paragraph of this story. He felt a tingling that he hadn’t felt before and he could have sworn a trickle of drool formed at the corner of his mouth like he was a bulldog or something. Before he knew was he was doing, Good Preacher Daniel was rubbing up against a tree while watching the man sinking his hands in the moss and the dirt and so on and so forth. He rubbed and humped and humped and rubbed until he finally shrieked a little and got the Word all over his pants.
The man, who we of course know to be Vampire!Adam (unless you just started reading this, which in that case, turn around now, the beginning is hella funny), should have heard the the noise coming from the panting canine-like man humping the tree 3 yards behind him. However, his thoughts were consumed with the ox-driving farm boy that he had been obsessing over/ having intimate relations with/jizzing all over for the past three days. His vampire senses, usually as sharp as a bat or a little person or a green alien, were dulled by the magnificence of the Allen boy’s lusciously curvy hips.
Over the next few weeks they followed this exact pattern. Vampire!Adam went to the forest to sink his hands in moss and Good Preacher Daniel humped the tree behind him. Finally on the last night of the second week, Good Preacher Daniel decided to follow Vampire!Adam to see where he went afterwards.
He was shocked when he saw the field full of oxen. He knew this place…there was one time, a few years back…Deacon von PapaBear…got lonely…the oxen…were so inviting….the sounds…were so revolting…
Good Preacher Daniel shook his head to get rid of the memory. No use thinking about that little incident again. God forgives….
This was Ole’ Kristopher Allen’s place. Could it be?? Was the Allen boy fornicating with this devilish creature?? This creature of the night that Good Preacher Daniel so desperately wanted?? What could he possibly see in the boy? Was it the smooth chest? The uncommonly large biceps from oxen-tending combined with the strangely womanly hips from Satan? Was it the way he bounced and twirled when he tilled the soil? Not that Good Preacher Daniel noticed things like this. Because he didn’t. That wouldn’t be Godly.
He thought of his options here. He could bust into the house right now and break up their secret rendevous in the Name of Jesus, but that would mean he would be admitting that he followed Vampire!Adam to the farm. He could just forget about the demonic creature. Leave this evil place and forget that he ever saw the ginger colored chest hair and endless stream of freckles and the bright blue eyes and the really big cock.
Good Preacher Daniel swallowed hard.
No, this was a job for the Godly Fornification Federation (GFF). Tonight the sinners would have their…sin…but tomorrow the full wrath of the Lord would come reigning down upon them.
He then promptly went home and masterbated.
The next day he called an emergency meeting of the GFF, whose members included, himself, Deacon von PapaBear, Sister Kara Di LoveMe, Pastor Matthew O’Scornall, and Lynne. He gave a fiery speech about the lustful actions he innocently witnessed while passing by the Allen farm on his way to prayer study. He talked about the curve of the pale creature’s ass as it thrust into the Allen boy’s tiny bottom. About the sweat dripping from the jet black hair on his brow as he plowed deeper and deeper and made the farmboy squeal like the Deacon and the oxen. About the veins throbbing on the creature’s cock as it slid in and out and in and out….
Pastor Matthew cleared his throat and Good Preacher Daniel realized he was humping the wooden pulpit. Well this is embarrassing, he thought.
Deacon von PapaBear, being the loyal manservant that he was, decided to cover for his friend’s obvious distress. “Fellow Godly Fornication Federizers, it is obvious that there is a evil scourge among us! We must go to the Allen boy’s farm and rid him of these wanton desires. Wait. The Allen Farm. Um, is that where they have the–”
Good Preacher Daniel cut him off swiftly “Maybe we shouldn’t actually GO to the farm itself. Or maybe I can go myself as a representative of the GFF? Should we vote on this?”
The federation was in agreement, and Good Preacher Daniel set out to the Allen farm with an official decree, God and civility on his side. When he got there, he was met by a shocking sight. The Allen boy was lying on the ground in the field in a pool of blood. Quackswich, the other local vampire, was standing over him wearing a hideously bright tank top and a stank expression on his face. There were creatures with skunk-colored hair flying around them in the air that looked almost like a cross between a monkey and a hairless teenage boy. Vampire!Adam was prostate on the ground, sobbing over the body of his lost farm boy.
Good Preacher Daniel wasn’t quite sure what he was supposed to do. On the one hand, he had GOD on his side. On the other hand, there were monkey-twinks flying above his head and God was invisible. Yet, he looked at Vampire!Adam and felt something he didn’t understand. All of this was really just so he could find a way to be with him! He was going to come here today to stop him from being with the Allen boy….and now the Allen boy was gone! Maybe this would work out to his advantage!
However, Vampire!Adam jumped up then and pointed at Quackswich with rage turning his blue eyes black. Good Preacher Daniel hid behind an oxen at this point to watch what happens (the oxen murmurs a little…sense memory perhaps?)
“I will curse you till the day I die Quackswich! And since I’m a vampire and never die that will be a very fucking long time! Ohhhh Kristopher, my love, one day I will find you again! Wait for me………”
And with that, Vampire!Adam runs off into the forest, his shiny black cape flowing behind him in the wind. Quackswich shrugs and beckons to his only female minion, the town prostitute, who is usually drunk and carrying a small white dog. She leans over an oxen and he starts penetrating her as Good Preacher Daniel scurries away.
Good Preacher Daniel is distraught. He never thought he would say this, but he thinks he is in love with this Satanic creature of the darkness. How can he let him go? This feeling is stronger than those that he had for the young farmer’s daughter from the southern americas that moved to town the year before. Stronger than those between the Deacon and the oxen. He knew at this moment his soul was broken.
The only place left to go was to the local witch, Abdula. He knew it was a sin against God, a sin against everything he knew to be righteous. Yet, he had to do it in order to live another moment.
“Abdula, show yourself, witch!” he called out, opening her thatched front door.
Her many bracelets jangled as she stood up. “What do you want, Good Preacher man? I am but a lonely witch, just trying to take my meds and love everyone and give my critiques and make a little cash. Is that so wrong?”
He started sobbing, hot bitter tears washing over his furry face. “Please help me, witch. I am in love with a vampire who just watched his male lover get killed by another vampire and 6 flying monkey-twinks. And now he’s run off and I don’t know where he is going and I just want to be with him, and I don’t really care about God anymore because he’s invisible and I really want his cock.”
Abdula swayed a little, which was normal for her. Nothing to worry about. “Ah, I see. Well, it’s obvious what you need.”
He looked up, startled. “It is??”
“Yes, of course. You need a time machine. To go into the future 300 years when your vampire is going to be on a show called Maury Povich on a thing called a television because he miraculously impregnates a man that looks exactly like the Allen boy that was just killed. There will also be a zombie and a pile of dust, do be on the lookout for that.” Abdula looks at him through half-lidded eyes.
Good Preacher Daniel is dumbfounded. “You really are a witch, aren’t you?”
“It’s on my card,” she shrugs.
“OK then, how do I get this machine you speak of? And what is a ‘machine’?”
“Go to the edge of the forest at the stroke of midnight. I will be there waiting for you. You can bring one loyal companion with you, if you have someone you can trust. You will probably need it to fight the power of the Allen boy.” The witch Abdula nods sagely. Or she could just be stoned, he’s not quite sure.
He thanks her profusely and runs from the hut, straight to the home of Deacon von PapaBear, the only man he fully trusts. All it takes is one sentence “remember the oxen?” to get him to agree to go with him. At midnight they descend on the forest and see Abdula waiting next to what looks like a blue box with a strange word on it…”telephone”….
**MAURY POVICH MUSIC PLAYS***
300 Years Later, Present Day
Vampire!Adam knew that Good Preacher Daniel followed him to the forest every night. He heard him humping the tree like a dog in heat. It never really bothered him, because he was a generous soul, and if he could help such a homely man get a little relief, what was the harm? Yet, seeing him here like this startled him. He had sorely underestimated the depth of his feelings for him and he wasn’t quite sure what he was supposed to do now.
“So guys, is there something you want to tell us about? Love Triangle perhaps? Or should I say Quintrangle?” Maury snarked, gesturing to the pile of dust and the brainless security guard.
The audience roared it’s approval.
“No!”Good Preacher Daniel roared. “I love you!”
The crowd “oooooooohed”
He waved his fists at them. “How dare you people mock me! I have traveled through centuries to be with this man! Your scorn is uncalled for!”
The crowd “aawwwwwed”
Maury moved his hands to hush the catcalls. “I have a special guest that I think might be perfectly suited to this situation. Everyone please welcome…..DR. DREW!”
“OMG, I love Dr. Drew!” Vampire!Adam squealed, clapping his hands together gaily.
Dr. Drew came out to rapturous applause, as the stage manager beckoned Good Preacher Daniel and Deacon von PapaBear down to newly placed seats on the stage.
“So, you say you’ve traveled through time for this man,” Dr. Drew started, hand placed intelligently on his chin. His eyes bored deeply into Good Preacher Daniel’s, understanding him to his core.
Good Preacher Daniel burst into tears.
“I think we have a breakthrough,” Dr. Drew nodded knowingly, starting the applause for himself, as the audience cheered wildly.
“I think we should split while we still can,” Kris whispered to Vampire!Adam .
“But I wanna see Dr. Drew!” Vampire!Adam whined.
“Um, this dude stalked you through time. I think maybe we should take Fetus!Kris and run away,” Kris muttered again, with a little more urgency.
“Fine!” Vampire!Adam relented, because he liked it when Kris got a little toppy now and then. “Can we have sex first?”
“Um, ok, I guess.” Kris relented, unzipping his pants.
Good Preacher Daniel saw what was happening and started lunging for them. The second security guard, called in when the first one got his brains eaten by Zombie!Kris, jumped on him to keep him from attacking them. However, Good Preacher Daniel had the strength of 300 years of lust in him and flung the security guard off of him. He grabbed Kris by the back of his neck and flung him so that he went flying in the air like he had just jumped on a trampoline. Then with all his might, he latched onto Vampire!Adam’s leg and held on for dear life. He wrapped his arms and legs around one powerful vampire thigh and rapidly started gyrating his hips. He had never actually touched Vampire!Adam before, and this sensation was better than anything he had ever experienced before. Better than the first time he read the Bible. Better than the first time he ate freshly churned butter. Better than the first time he went second with the oxen. This sensation was what he imagined walking with Jesus felt like, only better, because he was humping a vampire’s thigh.
Vampire!Adam let out a high pitched wail. “GET IT OFF ME!!!”
Before anyone knew what had happened, a gunshot rang out and Good Preacher Daniel slumped to the ground. Everyone looked up, stunned, to see Dr. Drew holding a revolver.
“So talk to me about how this feels to have me shoot a man off your leg,” Dr. Drew said to Vampire!Adam, rubbing his chin thoughtfully, handing the revolver back to the stage manager.
Vampire!Adam looked down at Good Preacher Daniel’s lifeless body and then back up at Dr. Drew.
“Do you make house calls?”
“Yes, yes I do make house calls But with one condition.”
“What is your condition?”
“I will be placing two of my minions to guard your door, every day, at all times”
“And why is that so?”
”Because I need to make sure that Kris, Fetus!Kris and most of all, you, are truly safe.”
”Yes I understand that, but yet again, why?”
“I am not one who judge, but I can sense that something, someone, some creature is watching you. I just want to keep you away from danger”
“By having some minions of yours watching me and the love of my life?
”I’m afraid that it is correct.”
Vampire!Adam glanced at Kris, holding Fetus!Kris close to his delicious man-boobs, the latter suckling Kris’ areola. The imagery brings serenity and lust at the SAME time for him. Kris’s rippled man-boobs are always a major attraction for him.
Thus he looked deep into the eyes of Dr Drew, so deep Dr Drew felt as if he was the only person in the whole universe that’s being stared by Vampire!Adam and shrugged.
“As much as I am a big fan of yours and your haircut and your grey hair, I personally think that this is a bad idea. But then again, I have been waiting for this moment long enough to be with Kris, and if this is what that I have to do to be with him, then so be it.”
“Tomorrow morning at your place. My two minions will be sent there”.
Vampire!Adam and Kris went home with Fetus!Kris later that night. Adam puts Fetus!Kris to bed and gaze at their child lovingly. He looked at the beautiful baby that they have, with Kris’ puppy-dog eyes and his own puffy lips.
He’s going to name him Judas Stardust Cockring Lambert-Allen.
He never thought that he could have experienced this moment, let alone raising a baby that is half-vampire and half-human.
He wonders if one fine day, these two will eventually die and leave him all alone by himself. Vampires are immortal, and he could not imagine his life without the beautiful man by his side.
Kris steps out from the hot shower wearing only a towel around his waist. Vampire!Adam sat at a corner of their bedroom, his eyes fixated on Kris and his heavenly body. He could not thank the Universe more for letting him to meet Kris again during this lifetime, albeit he is scared of the fact that he may lose him forever.
“Adam, what’re you looking at?”
At the speed of lightning, Vampire!Adam rushed to his lover and removed the towel around his waist, licking every inch of his body that’s covered with water. Every single drop.
Kris feels as if he’s now at another state of delirium.
“I’m just wondering, since you’re a vampire and all that stuff, how do you resist not to suck my blood? Not that I’m complaining or anything, I’m just curious on how do you manage to control yourself?”
“Well, first, you are the one human being that I fell absolutely head over heels with.”
“With your snakeskin boot you might add.”
“Second, your blood is the tastiest blood of them all. I have always hungered for you, your sweet, salty, scrumptious blood all in a package of one hot pockety body. However, under some god know what circumstances; I ended up falling for you. I love you, you tiny little man.”
“You know I do too.”
“Yeah I do. So the best thing that I do now is just to keep you near me so that I can smell your blood, feel intoxicated with it, and envelops you in my arms…. just like this. You’re no longer a prey Kris, you’re a part of me. I may have no life, I am an immortal, but you took away my heart.”
Kris seems to have drifted off to La-La land.
Vampire!Adam kissed the top of his forehead and held him tighter, while thinking about where the future might be taking them. Kris will grow old and eventually die, but Vampire!Adam never would.
Losing Kris is not an option for him now.
“Not anymore, honey……” and he drifted off to sleep.
I woke up that morning to the sound of the doorbell. Kris was no longer by my side. Neither was our baby. I panicked, wondering what was wrong. Wondering whether the Quack!Witch had stolen him away from me again, like what happened years and years ago?
Kriiiiiiiisssss!!!!! Where are youuuuu???
No answer from him.
I can’t even smell his blood. Where usually I can detect him even from a 30 mile radius.
This is scaring me like shit.
I frantically ran to the door to look out for the love of my life. And the sweet child of mine.
Only to realize that there were two men standing before me. A tall, skinny man who was about my height, and a small, delicate man who could have passed as Kris’ doppelganger.
“Who are you, and who are YOU? Kris never told me that he has a twin.”
“Well well well… Dr Drew is right, your heft, erm I mean, your package is impressive”
“Yeah… it might be DOWN LOW but damn, you sure live up to the name Glambulge”
I finally realized that I am actually naked, and my Glambulge was fully erect.
Nothing really embarrasses me so I straight away asked the two gentlemen who they were.
“Agent Cheeks. We are double agents sent by Dr Drew to monitor you, Kris and Fetus!Kris.”
“Judas Stardust Cockring, not Fetus!Kris anymore.Ok I understand your purpose of being in our lovenest but still, have you guys seen Kris?”
“I think he’s right behind you, man.”
“I’m not just a man, I’m Vampire!Adam, you know that?”
Kris came up from behind and called my name. Apparently he was giving Cockring a bath. I wondered why I cannot smell Kris when he’s still at the vicinity of our own home.
“I have no idea, sweetheart. But oh wait…. ”
He spotted a snot underneath my nose.
Which is surprising since I am always cold. and whiter than white.
I was puzzled and freaks out a little.
Agent Cassidy and Agent Cheeks look at each other.
Vampire!Adam goes to work that night. He drove his black Mustang tonight, fully custom-made to even rival a Batmobile. What can he say; he is the dark knight anyway.
Agent Cassidy and agent Cheeks began their job guarding Adam. To the point Adam feels as if he’s suffocated.
Adam decided that one of them should be sent to guard Kris at home instead when he’s away from work. He decided that Cheeks should be guarding Kris at home as he seems, to be, rather distracting.
Cassidy took interest on what Adam was wearing and decided that he should design a new outfit for him.
Adam reluctantly agrees.
Agent Cheeks was at home with Kris and Cockring.
Kris was busy tending to the baby while Agent Cheeks observing him. Kris feels uncomfortable.
Kris sang a lullaby to Cockring and puts him to sleep.
They had a talk. Cheeks grabs Kris’s cheeks softly.
“Hmm… I have been wondering about this the whole day. I have been looking at you the moment I saw you this morning”
“Well, for a start, I’m taken and I am in love with Vampire!Adam, thank you very much”
“Nawwww… not like that! That man is attractive but… I’m not-the type-of fellowwww”
“Why on earth do you look so familiar? Like someone who I know dearly….. you look like, well…. me!”
“No I have no idea. people always say that I look like Freddie Prinze Jr, or Freddy Rodriguez and all that, and I can see some similarity, but with you….. yeah I have no idea!”
“Well, let’s see”
Agent Cheeks dragged Kris to the giant ass mirror in Adam and Kris’ bedroom and starts taking notes about each other.
“Hmm…. dinosaur jaws…. ”
“Big, brown, puppy-dog eyes”
“Check….. though I am more built than you, Agent Cheeks… I have some serious man-boobs here.. and check out my gun show!!!!”
“Hey hey… I might be more slender than you but I am an agent, and boy can I kick some serious man’s ass”
“Well… I try not to doubt that, thank you very much. But just wondering, which part of the US of A do you come from?”
“I don’t see how my origin has anything to do with any part of your interest.”
“Oh it so will since you’ve pointed out how similar we are”
“My original identity has been long buried ever since I came to Los Angeles and make it big as a star. Well I ended up being recruited as one of Dr Drew’s agents but then again I can’t help it, trenchcoat uniforms are hawt!!!! Imagine so many things you can do with it, Kris. You should own one”
“Well maybe… but yes, your origin is very much relevant to my interest. Just fucking tell me already”
“I am an agent, not a social worker, Kris”
“Oh come on, just do it already Agent Cheeks!”
“Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine………. I am from…. (mouths it slowly) Texas.”
“Oh….. A southerner like me too…. I’m from Arkansas. Just a small town boy trying to make it big in the industry and all… But now that I’m having Cockring, maybe I should be limiting myself a little”
“Says by who? There are a lot of starlets who had babies and their career flourish more than ever. Nicole Richie, Kate Winslet, Jessica Alba, Halle Berry…. and when I think of you, I think Angelina Jolie. Well Vampire!Adam has more likelihood to be likened to Angie but in terms of career, I can see you doing what Angelina does”
“Playing a badass in movies? Well Adam can do the badass thing better than me though, as much as I have better gun show..”
“Nawwww silly! I mean traveling across borders, doing good things, with kids in tow”
“Well…. that I can consider! Maybe I’ll talk to Vampire!Adam about it.”
Kris smiles at Agent Cheeks. Never in his dreams had he thought that an agent can be this nice to him.
Vampire!Adam returns home with Agent Cassidy in tow.
He did not waste any time and immediately sweep Kris off his feet.
“Oh, Adam!!!!!!” and he peppers kisses to Vampire!Adam’s freckles, which is considered a rarity since Vampire!Adam is fairer than white.
“Oohhh that kicky feet of yours! I want to suckle those kicky feet’s toes until you scream and beg for my mercy.
Vampire!Adam sprinted using his vampire powers to their bedroom.
Agent Cassidy and Agent Cheeks stay outside the front door of Vampire!Adam and Kris’ bedroom, guarding them. And just when things start to get hot and heavy for Vampire!Adam and Kris, they hear a sound from the walkie-talkie.
They realize that Agent Cassidy and Agent Cheeks are waiting in front of their bedroom door.
Adam goes to the door again.
“Ooh… you have your briefs on now, what an upgrade!”
“Shut up, Agent Cheeks”
“Agent Cassidy and Agent Cheeks, I appreciate your undying support for the both of us but please, the love of my life and I are about to have sex here and I do not feel comfortable doing it with the sound of walkie-talkie looming in the background. I gues you can guard our front door instead.”
“Front door as in the Glambulge and the Banana?”
“The front door as in this house’s front door. Now please.”
Agent Cassidy and Agent Cheeks made their move towards the front door and Vampire!Adam and Kris resume their songwriting, but the pen in songwriting is now replaced with the peen.
Agent Cassidy and Agent Cheeks waited outside their door only to realize that their visions are now blacker than black. And their hands are all tied and they’re pinned down to the grass. They didn’t scream or shout, they just felt numb.
And when they opened up their eyes, they noticed that they are at Vampire!Adam and Kris’ backyard. And there were three men surrounding them. One was wearing glasses and making heart signs, another was slightly larger built and the other one has a mole on top of his forehead.
“We’ve all been brought back from the dead and are plotting our revenge to Vampire!Adam and Kris”.
Preacher Gokey started his sermon. He looks like he did, still the exact ole leg-humper but damn, his skin is now whiter than white.
Manservant just nods down to whatever that was said by Preacher Gokey. He himself is now turned into a ghoul, hungry to eat more chickens. Maybe Agent Cassidy and Agent Cheeks should take him to Chick-Fil-A sometimes.
While Pastor Matthew’s skin is now decaying and he’s looking even more scorned and the mole on top of his forehead is growing bigger. He has been turned into a zombie. He said, “You do as what we wish you to do and we will never bug you anymore ever.”
Puzzled with all the fuckery, Agent Cheeks asked “WHY???? WHYYY??? We’re Dr Drew’s people.. we’re good people! Why do we want to associate ourselves with you?”
“Because we said so. Or else we’re going to possess your soul” Manservant replied.
“And I will ravage your brains…. yummmmm…… ngahahahhahahaha” Pastor Matthew replied.
“Man you are sooooo scorned your mole is bigger than the size of your cornea” Agent Cassidy tries to retaliate. And reaches for his gun.
Only to realize that there is no gun.
Preacher Gokey replies “Yeah…. your guns are here. And I will only return them to you if you give this to Vampire!Adam. Now do as what I say, or else you’ll face with other consequences…”
“And my ghoulish self will possess your body and do ungodly things to you”
“And I’ll be even more scoooooorned!!!!!”
Agent Cassidy and Agent Cheeks felt defeated. They took the Fucking!Jacket and ran inside to Vampire!Adam, Kris’ and Cockring’s house.
On top of the roof of Vampire!Adam, Kris’ and Cockring’s house, we can see two midget-y looking creature were smiling devilish smiles……….
“My wicked potions works out, so it seems” Quackwitch smiled, his greasy self gets greasier and the oil that came off him is good enough to lube a car.
“You made a right decision to bring those three goons from the dead.”
“Good enough I found you as another sidekick of mine”…. A whorish looking temptress laughed like a hyena.
Those two kept their gazes fixated on the three minions of theirs.
Agent Cassidy pounded the bedroom of Vampire!Adam and Kris so hard their lovemaking has to stop.
This time, it’s Kris who came up to the door.
“Is that a banana I see?” Agent Cheeks does his tongue-in-cheek thing again.
“Oh shut it, and stop making noises because the only noise that I want to hear is from us in this room and not from you”. Kris retaliates.
“We just want to pass this to you.” Cassidy tossed the Fucking!Jacket to Vampire!Adam, who’s visibly naked on the bed he shares with Kris.
Vampire!Adam looks puzzled.
“I know that you want to improve my work outfit but isn’t this too soon?”
“Just take it and we’ll leave you two with your sexytimes”.
“You know what Agent Cassidy, we’ve taken it okay so Kansas is going bye-bye here…. Nighty Night.”
Kris slammed the door before the eyes of Agent Cassidy and Agent Cheeks.
“Wow… you can get toppy if you want…… can’t you?”
“Hell yeah, baby…. and oohhhh what a cool fucking!jacket!!!! Can I wear it?”
“It’s mine, not yours…..”
“Oh please Adam, I’ll make sweet sweeeeeeeet love to you if you let me wear it!”
“Damn you and your puppy-dog eyes…. Wear it, just wear it…..”
Kris wore the jacket with nothing underneath him and suddenly, he’s having some sort of major empowerment. He jumped into the bed and began kissing Vampire!Adam ravenously.
Little did they know their sexytimes were only a part of major drama that was happening in their own backyard.
As Agents Cassidy and Cheeks exited the house and stepped once again into the backyard Cassidy couldn’t help but feel troubled over Adam and Kris’ obvious attitude problem.
“Do you think he even liked the Fucking!Jacket?” Cassidy asked.
“Who cares?” Cheeks said.
“I care!” Cassidy said, “Did you see that thing? It had tails! And spikes! Why didn’t I come up with a design like that?”
“Can we get out of here now?” Cheeks asked, “We did what we promised; now there is a party in WeHo I wanna check out. I didn’t wear these scandal pants just to guard these two.”
But alas there would be no parties for Agent Cheeks and Agent Cassidy that night, because no sooner had they stepped out onto the back lawn than they were hit over the head…AGAIN.
“Not again?” Cheeks thought as he came to, smelling the damp grass against his face, “Who was it this time?”
He tried to get up but realized that his arms and legs were bound to Agent Cassidy, who had been stripped to his underwear and the empty leather holster left behind when the Zombie Preachers took their guns.
Cheeks’ first thought was: jumped two times in one night? We are so fired!
His second thought: why was he struggling to free himself? Agent Cassidy looked amazingly hot in his red briefs. Why had he never before noticed his friends smokin’ hot bod? Cheek’s scandal pants were becoming increasingly more scandalicious the more he strained against the roped that bound them together and rubbed up against Agent Cassidy. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing being pressed up against one another this way. Also; being in bondage was kinda hot!
Meanwhile back inside the bedroom Kris awoke to darkness… and fear! Where was Adam? The bed beside him was empty and cold and Kris wanted to cuddle and maybe listen to some music with their earphone splitter.
“Adam?!” he called tentatively out into the darkness before him.
A table lamp flicked on, and he realized he was not alone in the room. The figure remained in the shadows but it was easy to see the steak he held to Vampire!Adam’s chest and the fear in Adam’s blue eyes, sparkling in the light of the lamp.
“What do you want?!” Kris cried out, “Don’t hurt Adam! Who are you?”
“I am the Vampire Perez,” the man in the shadows hissed.
Kris had of course heard stories from Adam of the great Vampire Perez – the most feared vampire of them all. There were rumors he could rip you to shreds with just his teeth. But Kris had never seen the beast in person.
“Kris…” Adam started to say, “I’m so sorry…”
“We are taking Adam with us,” the Vampire Perez said, “He has broken the Code and must stand trial before the Gay Vampire Mafia and be put to DEATH!”
“NOOOOO!!!!” Kris begged, “Please don’t hurt him. We didn’t break the Zombena Convention, I SWEAR! I’m not Zombie Kris I’m just a person!”
Perez laughed – a cackling sound that sent a chill up Kris’s spine, “Do you think we give a FUCK about those archaic Zombie rules? Adam has broken the oldest and most important rule in the Vampire Code!”
Perez held his other hand out into the light so Kris could see what it held, “I’m talking about THIS monstrosity!”
COCKRING! NO! Not his own baby that he has nursed at his own man-breast and carried nine long months in his…well…his place where a womb would’ve been…if he’d had a womb that is…but he didn’t.
“Don’t hurt my baby!” Kris roared, feeling toppy, and lunged at the Vampire Perez. But the vampire merely had to flick his wrist up into the infamous Vampire sign of ‘talk to the hand’ and Kris was frozen in his tracks and completely helpless to save the two people he loved most in the world.
Adam’s eyes met his, he was frightened “I always loved you Kris!” he said, as though they were saying goodbye.
“Adam knew the rules prohibit impregnating human men and father half-human babies, and now he must suffer the consequences,” Perez said, “As soon as I saw that Maury Povich show I knew what I must do.”
The Vampire Perez stepped briefly into the light and Kris shuttered; he was truly even more repulsive than he was rumored to me. Perez grabbed Adam and the baby and stole them away into the night, leaving Kris a crumpled, sobbing heap on the floor.
He clutching the Fucking!Jacket in his arms as he sobbed. He had failed his child and his true love and now they were in the hands of the Gay Vampire Mafia. Kris held the Fucking!Jacket to his face and inhaled the scent deeply. It smelled of musk and lavender and glitter. It smelled of ADAM. Kris could’ve stayed there in the corner, clutching the jacket and crying and feeling sorry for himself all night. But Adam and Cockring were his family now, they were counting on him and he would NOT let them down. Kris pulled himself together, than he pulled on some scandal pants and the Fucking!Jacket and raced out the back door to find….
….well to find the two agents tied up in their underwear on the lawn. They were making out so he let them finish. Then he untied them and said “Agent Cheeks! Where are your pants?”
“Pants are for Christians!” Cheeks exclaimed.
Kris quickly explained what had happened and that he would need help to save his family.
“Don’t worry,” Cassidy assured him, “I have my own Army! I will mobilize them immediately!”
After they had run off to meet up with Cassidy’s Army and go after Perez. Kris stood alone in the night and thought about those two guards and their story of Zombie Preachers. Finally he picked up the phone and made the call to the only person in this crazy world he could trust; HIMSELF. Even if that self was a zombie at least it was a part of him.
Still standing in his yard and feeling helpless, Kris explained everything to Zombie! Kris and his backup,Woody Harrelson. He felt confident when Zombie Kris promised to fight the Vampire Mafia and rescue Adam and the baby.
Actually, all the Zombie!Kris said was “NOM NOM vampires! NOM NOM Adam! NOM NOM baby!” –but Kris understood the message behind those words and trusted Zombie him would save the day.
“If I save them for you will you consider naming the baby Zombie Cockring?” Zombie!Kris asked, “You see, it’s a family name.” [or that is how Kris interpreted the Zombies less eloquent words anyway]
He assured the Zombie that Judas Stardust Zombie Cockring would be honored to bare that name. They could call him ‘Cocky’ for short. But first they had to rescue him.
As Kris was preparing to follow behind the zombies, a dark van pulled up beside him and he was yanked inside.
“Shh!” said a whispery female voice in the darkness, “We have come to help you. I am the Grand Master of a secret organization formed long along to protect the sacred bloodline. No harm must come to Zombie Cockring!”
“Secret organization?” Kris asked, “What is this? Who are you?”
“We are the Priory of the Kradam,” the voice said, “Adam dropped a pendant he was wearing as the vampires took him away. We believe the symbols carved into this pendant are a code to the secret location where your family is being held. We need YOU to help us decode this message.”
“I’m not doing anything until I know who you are,” Kris demanded.
“Fair, enough,” she said and a light flicked on revealing none other than…….
…. ALEXIS GRACE!!!!
“I don’t understand”, Kris mumbled almost incoherently but if you listened closely with the volume turned up you could figure out what he was saying.
Alexis explained, “The Priory of the Kradam is an ancient secret society established from the prophecy of the chosen one. 300 years ago our founder Lynne overheard the prophecy foretold by the witch Abdula of the birth of a very special child and the Priory have spent generations waiting for the chosen one – the human vampire love child will unite the worlds of dark and light into one common love. We have been sent to protect this child, your child Kris.”
Kris looked around at the other occupants of the van: Jim Cantiello, Michael Slezak and…
“RYAN!” Kris shouted loud enough so that you could actually understand what he said.
“Yes Kris it is I.” Ryan Seacrist motioned toward the empty space in the van next to him,”Get in the van. Let’s go get Adam and your baby.”
Kris proceeded to step into the van followed by Zombie!Kris and Woody Harrelson.
A familiar voice spoke from the front of the van, “I smell zombies!”
“SCOTT!” Kris exclaimed as he turned to the front of the van and saw Scott MacIntyre in the driver’s seat. “How can you drive when you’re blind, Scott?!”
“Yes, my eyes may be blind but I can see in my mind’s eye clearer than any physical sight by using THE FORCE. I also have one hell of a sense of smell – I can smell zombies from 100 miles away and there is one serious stench coming from the back of the van right now.”
“They’re with me and they want to help. Allow me to introduce Zombie!Kris…”
“…and Woody Harrelson…”
“I TELL PO PO ‘I FOLLOWED BY ZOMBIE. I FIGHT ZOMBIE’ BUT PO PO SAY ME ON DRUGS AND NOT BELIEVE. JUST BECAUSE ME ON DRUGS NOT MEAN ZOMBIE NOT REAL. NOW ME ZOMBIE TOO. VAMPIRE!BRAAAAINNNNZZZZZZZZZ.”
“Ooooooooh, Michael look,” squealed Jim Cantiello with extreme glee, “There are TWO Kris Allens! We don’t have to compete anymore!”
“I call dibs on Human!Kris!,” exclaimed Michael Slezak,” How long until we reach the Gay Vampire Mafia lair Scott?”
“The lair smells approximately a ten minute drive away. Have I told you all about my album plans yet?”
The van rambled on down the road as Scott rambled on about his recording plans and Michael Slezak and Jim Cantiello took advantage of the ten minute drive to take advantage of Human!Kris and Zombie!Kris respectively.
Agent Cheeks and Agent Cassidy had both been knocked out AGAIN and were bound together and left in a dark alley in WeHo. The members of Cassidy’s Army who had been amassed were confined within giant nets, arms and legs and bodies all squeezed together in a giant heap of humanity which was surprisingly erotic although completely useless to saving Adam and Cocky from the Gay Vampire Mafia.
“But do you have a record deal yet?,” Ryan asked Scott who had discussed his album plans for the entire ten minute drive.
“No. By the way I smell the lair nearby”, responded Scott.
Scott turned the van onto a dirt path in an abandoned field off the side of the highway near an abandoned oil well where there were no lights and it was completely dark so no one could see but that didn‘t matter to Scott because he can‘t see anyway but he used the force and was able to find a place to park and help the others get prepared to find the lair and they were going to have to use flashlights to see because the area was so dark and fortunately Alexis had just replaced the batteries in the flashlights so the flashlights were going to be able to stay lit and bright a very, very long time which is a good thing because it would have sucked if they showed up and couldn’t see to find the secret lair because their flashlights didn’t work except of course for Scott who didn’t need one anyway.
“Okay Kris…Kris…KRIS,” Alexis yelled at Human!Kris who was still wrapped in the loving embrace of Michael Slezak.
“Sorry Alexis. Do you need me to help you?”
“Yes Kris. We believe the exact location of the lair can be found by deciphering the code on this pendant. Do you understand what this means?” Alexis handed Kris the pendant.
“I have no frigging idea.” Kris said.
“Sigh”, Alexis sighed. “Well Scott did smell the lair here somewhere. We will just have to get out and search for it. Michael, do you have the wooden stakes?”
“Jim…JIM STOP MAKING OUT WITH ZOMBIE!KRIS AND PAY ATTENTION!”
“Are the crossbows ready?”
“Ryan, do you have the holy water, crosses, bibles and various accoutrement ready?”
“Scott, stay in the van and get ready to get us out of here when we get back.”
“Okay, boys and zombies distribute the stakes, crossbows, holy water, crosses, bibles and various accoutrement to each other. Here, I have flashlights for everyone with new fresh batteries. Is everyone ready?”
“Ready” said Michael.
“Ready” said Jim.
“Ready” said Kris.
“VAMPIRE!BRAINZZZZZZ!” growled Zombie!Kris and Woody Harrelson.
“Let’s Scrimmage!” added Ryan, and the group stepped out into the night prepared for battle.
Standing under the cover of night, Ryan said “We should decide on a walk formation. That way, if we come under attack from the vampires, we’ll have a better chance of survival.”
Everyone agreed and a decision was made.
Kris made the announcement to the group:”Ok, guys, Zombie!Kris and Woody Harrelson are going to walk in front. Second row will be Michael, Jim & Ryan. I’m going to need protection, so I
will follow in the rear.”
“Hehehe, Michael, Kris just said he was going to follow in the rear.”
“I know Jim, how adorable is he! 15 twink points for him!”
“Michael…Jim…I’m right behind you. Go ahead and dream because we all should Live Like We are Dying — available on iTunes, now!”
So off they went, marching through the night. All was quiet until Zombie!Kris and Woody Harrelson started groaning loudly! It was hard to see each other with the night sky so dark. Groans, grunts…AAARRRRRRGHHHH.
“What’s going on up front? Shine your flashlights and check it out!” yelled Kris. Ryan, Michael & Jim all trained their lights forward. “OH GOD NO” cried Jim. Michael stopped and stared in shock.
Kris said “What is it? What’s going on? And did I just hear a zipper?” Jim cried “Zombie!Krisand Woody Harrelson are totally making out!”
“What?” said Kris “Was that the zipper noise???”
Jim said “They are! They are totally trying to have sex, but everytime they grope too hard, chunks of their flesh comes off! Zombie!Kris just tried to card his hand through Woody Harrelson’s hair and a whole chunk of head came off! OH MY GOD, I THINK WOODY HARRELSON IS REACHING FORZOMBIE!KRIS’S COCK! NO WOODY, NOOOOOOOO!”
Kris, unable to grasp what was happening turned his flashlight on Ryan. It was at that point he realized what the zipper noise was as he saw Ryan pumping his love muscle as he stared, slack jawed, at the zombie love that had broken out before him.
“GOOD GOD, Ryan! Zip up your pants! We are probably going to be attacked at any moment and you are jacking off! What is WRONG with you?”
Ryan, turning around to Kris looking rather embarrassed, yet still perfectly groomed, said “well Kris, I saw them kissing and…I don’t know…I got turned on! And you just made that whole “Live Like We Are Dying” speech so I figured, why not. By the way, that’s currently available on iTunes.”
“Thanks for the plug, man” Kris said, “but pull yourself together! Michael, Jim — one of you needs to trade places with Zombie!Kris — which is it going to be?”
“Well, Slezak, you called dibs human Kris in the van, so it’s only right that I stay with Zombie!Kris now” said Jim.
“Why do you have to be such a jealous little bitch, Jim? I get the better interviews, I get the most information and I always get the better Kris. Deal with it. And one more thing, I’m getting tired of you talking about your wife when you are clearly gay. Why don’t you take a page out of human Kris’s book. Don’t talk about the wife unless you are forced into a corner, and then just try to skirt the issue. That will keep you from looking so closeted” retorted Michael.
Kris, in an effort to focus the group, says “Ok, guys. Are we ready? Woody Harrelson & Michael in front. Z!KRIM and Ryan in the middle and again, I’m bringing up the rear. Quit giggling, Jim.” With that, the group began their march again in search of the vampire lair. About 10 minutes had passed when flicker of light was seen off to the right.
“Everyone stop and be quiet!” said Ryan. “Did anyone else see that light flicker over on the right?”
“Do you mean that grassy knoll over there?” said Michael.
Michael no more than got the sentence out of his mouth when he felt a pain surge in the right side of his body. He buckled over from the force and the pain. “I think I’ve been hit” Michael mumbled.
“EVERYONE GET ON THE GROUND” ordered Kris.
“OH MY GOD” screamed Jim and he crawled his way over to Zombie!Kris.
Ryan immediately turned to shine his light on what was going on with Z!KRIM. What he saw left him in shock. Zombie!Kris was lying on the ground with half of his head gone. Jim was crawling around on the ground trying to find the pieces of his head, as if he could put it back together. Jim was now covered in Zombie ooze from head to toe. Zombie!Kris was lying, lifeless, which is incredible,considering he’s a Zombie and all. Ryan moved his light to the front to get a look at Michael. He had been hit but he seemed to be alert.
“Was that a gunshot?” asked Kris. “Yes” said Ryan “I believe it was. It looks like there is a small cave over on the left, let’s move everyone over there where we can access the situation better.”
With that, Ryan picked up Michael, Jim picked up Zombie!Kris and human Kris led Woody Harrelson and the rest over to the cave.
“I think Zombie!Kris is dead, fo sho, y’all” said Kris while Jim cried uncontrollably over Zombie!Kris’s lifeless, oozing body. “How are you, Michael?”
“I think I’m ok” Michael replied, “Did you see anything Kris.”
“Yes, yes I did. It was almost as if it was in slow motion. I saw Zombie!Kris pull his hands up by his neck and start to fall over to his left. I also noticed Michael clutching his arm and turning to the side to try to yell. Suddenly, Zombie!Kris’s head flew back and I saw a chunk of it go flying off to the side. Then I immediately looked towards the grassy knoll and saw what looked like some residual smoke from a gun and a shadowy figure running away. It appears to me that the bullet struck Zombie!Kris’s right temple, causing his head to fly back and to the left, then traveled upwards exiting through his neck. The bullet rickashayed and entered Michael’s armpit, hitting a rib, came out of his chest, made a right turn and went through his wrist, paused in mid air then turned left and went into Michael’s left thigh and I’m sure the bullet, if we could find it in the grass, would be in perfect condition.
“That’s some bullet, Kris!” said Ryan. “A bullet can’t go through a head, neck, rib, wrist and leg, changing directions and stopping in mid-air and end up in perfect condition!”
“But that’s exactly what happened, Ryan.” said Kris. “I can see it in my mind, frame by frame. This could mean only one thing. The vampires are armed with magic bullets that are extremely rare. They are called “Pristine” and up to this point, I always thought that it was just a fable. But it is true. It’s the only answer to what’s happened to Michael and Zombie!Kris. We have to hurry guys. If they have a weapon like this, we are going to have to be stealthier than we have ever been. We are going to have to be chameleons. It’s the only way we are going to make it to the lair alive. Find something to cover Zombie!Kris with. We’ll have to leave him here. Michael, you go on back to the van and stay with Scott. Alright, Ryan, Jim, Woody…it’s now up to us. If we don’t make it out alive, I want you to know that I love you guys.”
With those heartfelt words, Jim reacted by pressing his lips against Kris’s. Kris opening his mouth as an invitation to enter. Jim’s tongue explored Kris’s opening and plunged forward with a gasp. Kris carded his hand through Jim’s hair as he allowed his tongue to explore Jim’s mouth. Kris felt a hand pressing against his quickly hardening pocket rocket. He said “Oh Jim…no, we can’t.”
Jim pulls out of his kiss with Kris, glad to have had the moment, but aware that there is work to be done. “I know. I just had to kiss you. Live Like We Are Dying, you know.”
“I know,” said Kris “and it’s available in iTunes!”
Jim walked away but the hand on Kris’s now completely hard rocket did not. Ryan quickly shoved Kris up against the cave wall holding both of Kris’s hands tight above his head with one hand while his other hand pressed and palmed Kris’s stiffly.
“RYAN!” exclaimed Kris. “What do you think you are doing?”
“You said you loved me. I’ve been waiting to hear those words from you for so long. When you said them, emotion took over and I wanted you. NOW. And by the looks of your bananapants, you want me to.”
“Ryan. If a hand is on my crotch, it gets hard. It doesn’t mean anything. Now get off me. We have to go find Adam and my baby.”
“Ok,” Ryan said sadly, “but I do love you. You know, in case we don’t make it out of here alive.”
And the four began their trek again….into the darkness….into the danger.
“So it had studs and spikes and tails? Sounds incredible!” The designer was impressed, and hearing about the stylish accoutrements kept his mind off the fact that he was trapped in very tight quarters, having lost feeling in his extremities some time ago.
“It was! I didn’t have a lot of time to examine it, but the leather was this metallic blue; and–”
“CASSIDY MCALISTER HALEY!”
Agent Cassidy turned his head, which was a bit difficult as he was still caught up in a giant net with half of his Army. He knew that anyone using his middle name meant business; it reminded him of when he was little, and his mother would reprimand him for getting into her sewing kit and taking apart his clothing at the seams in order to figure out how the garments were made. This time, however, the person shouting at him was Agent Cheeks, who was dangling rather awkwardly from another mesh trap, one of his arms flailing about.
“Agent Cheeks, I’m right here. You don’t have to scream!”
“Apparently I do since you’ve been rambling on about that stupid jacket and ignoring me for the last five minutes.”
Agent Cassidy rolled his shoulders and sighed. Agent Cheeks had always been a drama queen, and this latest bit of trouble they’d gotten themselves into seemed to have put him over the edge.
“Well, I’m listening now,” he replied, then whispered an apology to the designer and rubbed his hand over the spot on his leg where someone’s choker had made an imprint during the orgy. The others were either asleep, passed out in the wake of blissful orgasms, or talking quiety amongst themselves.
“I’ve been talking to my new friend here…” Cheeks paused, twisting his torso so Cassidy could see past him to the voluptuous blonde who was straddling his legs. The woman nodded hello but remained silent for the moment, enjoying the banter between the boys.
“She’s part of your army, but she’s like, really ancient, and knows things — old-timey things — and we think the Good Preacher Daniel embedded something in the Fucking!Jacket. She says he likes to use heart-shaped symbols, sometimes actual replicas, other times just the general outline. Remember how much he really wanted Adam to have the jacket? He blackmailed us just to get it into his hands!”
“Are you sure Gokey wasn’t just jealyrious because his own jacket is like a bad ripoff from the BBC’s Torchwood?”
Agent Cheeks giggled, which was unusual for him when he was working, but considering he’d been hanging like a bulb of garlic in a kitchen sock for the last several hours, one might cut him some slack. Literally, or figuratively. “That could very well be part of it; but there’s more to it than that.”
“Like his butt-ugly glasses?”
“Nevermind. What does your friend think she knows? Maybe she’s just trying to get into your pants.”
“Well, first of all, Agent Cassidy, I’m not WEARING any pants; and second of all–” Cheeks was cut off before he could finish his point.
“Second of all,” the female chimed in, giving Cassidy a little hiss across the alley, mesh cage to mesh cage, revealing delicately elongated canines, “I’ve lived for centuries; I’ve had more experience than any two-bit whore working the Horny Pines cemetary and I could ride you and your cheeky friend here in ways you’ve never even dreamed of; do things to you that would make you think I’d reinvented the female anatomy. I have muscles that have been honed in the art of intercourse and pilates for decades, and I could squeeze you until you popped your cork like it was sprung from the neck of a champagne bottle. And after all of that, when you were completely spent and every nerve in your body was buzzing like a live wire, you’d beg me to hurt you just a little bit more.”
Cassidy didn’t think it was possible after the exhaustive sex his entire sack of captives had had over the last few hours, but he was almost immediately hard again. He also thought that the speech sounded a lot like something from an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but who was he to question things?
She had rendered him momentarily speechless, but she was willing to share her findings; after all, she was part of the kick-ass Cassidy Haley street team. “I’m very aware of Good Preacher Daniel and his nefarious ways; I’ve seen him pull this kind of stunt in more than one lifetime, and I’m sure I’ll see it again.”
The woman went on to explain that she had originally been recruited for the Godly Fornification Federation by her friends Sister Kara Di LoveMe and Lynne, but she couldn’t bear the ear-piercing, wailing screams that were a regular part of the meetings. She finally broke away, but always kept an eye on things from a distance.
Agent Cassidy knew that Kris had left his home wearing the Fucking!Jacket, and that it was probably dangerous for him to be wearing it right now, especially if Good Preacher Daniel had tampered with it. They had to free themselves, find Kris, and rescue Adam and Cockring before it was too late.
As if on cue, suddenly there were voices coming down the alley toward them. At first, Cassidy thought it might be more members of his army on their way to save them, but as they got closer, he noticed something strange… except for one male leading the pack, they were not walking, but rather shuffling along, moving slow, just like….
“Don’t be alarmed,” the leader called out. “We’re here to help. Dr. Drew sent us to join the mission.” He paused, taking in the sight of two huge mesh traps filled with some very attractive, well-dressed (and half-naked) people who didn’t seem to be all that upset at being confined to such a small space, pressed up against each other. He actually thought it looked like fun but there was work to be done so he ordered the reinforcements to cut the bags down.
It turned out that the zombies were all former patients of Dr. Drew. Some were from his private practice, some from other doctors he had worked with in the field of chemical dependency. Sadly, these patients were the ones who had not made it; the ones who had struggled with addiction, and had lost the battle, but had gained some really gnarly mummy wraps in the afterlife, not to mention access to the hospital’s dumpsters which were FILLED with discarded medication that had either expired or had been opened and could not be used again. These zombies didn’t just want brains, they wanted chemicals, and as long as they got their ‘fix’ they were like putty in Dr. Drew’s hands, following orders left and right.
The man who had led the zombies to Cassidy’s army was Randolph “The Dawg” Jackson, and they quickly got him up to speed on what had happened. He listened attentively, but had no qualms about giving them his opinion when they were finished. “Yo, dawg, listen…. for me, for you, this just doesn’t sound good.”
Cassidy admitted that things were grim, but they had a LOT of reinforcements, and if they could just formulate a plan, they’d have a chance of making the top 10… er, saving the day.
Randolph tilted his head to the side. “Dude, these zombies can sing their faces off — literally! But not only that, they can fight with the best of ‘em.”
Agent Cheeks had been exchanging a few words with the blonde, and when The Dawg caught sight of her, his eyes went wide. “Dude this is a hot one! In fact, they all look hot tonight! And not that I don’t appreciate their passion for distressed leather and fur, but what kind of army wears uniforms designed around underground fashion and high-end couture?”
“One that is timeless and inventive, of course!” Cassidy defended his minions. “Besides… look closer, we replaced the metal spikes on the jackets with wooden ones, so we can take out Perez and the Gay Vampire Mafia members en masse.”
Agent Cheeks jumped in, because a thought had just occurred to him.
“That’s great for the evildoers, but what if we end up harming some good vampires?”
“We’ll just have to take things as they come. But we need to get moving!” With that, Randolph took the blonde by the arm and started to round up the group to lead them out of the alley.
Agent Cheeks tugged at his spandex, and looked around, somewhat lost.
“Well?” Agent Cassidy prompted.
“What are you waiting for?”
“My script ran out.”
Agent Cassidy looked puzzled. “What are you talking about? You’re not playing a role in one of your crazy-ass movies right now.”
“Crazy-ass?” Agent Cheeks huffed. “That’s what you think of my work? Of my passion?” The feeling of betrayal was evident in his voice.
“Oh relax, it was a joke. I just wanted to know why you suddenly ran out of steam.”
“Excuse me, but if you had seen me going at it an hour ago, there wouldn’t be any question as to how I spent my energy!”
“Oh please… we were ALL going at it, and I could HEAR you even if I couldn’t see you. You make sounds that are almost inhuman when you come.”
Agent Cheeks wasn’t one to blush, but he had the decency to look slightly mortified at Agent Cassidy’s comment. The alley was quiet now, as everyone had walked and/or shuffled their way out to the street.
“So… out with it. What’s bugging you? I mean, besides the obvious.”
“Well, this is about the time when we would normally get knocked out again, so…”
“I see. So we’re narrating our own story now?”
“Not narrating it. If we were narrating it, we would be referring to ourselves in the third person. We are… well, perhaps we are writing it.”
“The story did change to first person in the third chapter, written from Kris’ point of view, so I guess anything goes, really.”
“Well in that case, I say we ditch the zombies, grab some new scandalpants, and go check out that party I told you about earlier. The club must be around here somewhere.”
“Agent Cheeks…. look out!” The warning came too late; it seemed fate was about to step in, as Agent Cheeks had expected, and deal them both an inevitable blow.
Agents Cheeks and Cassidy lay there upon the cold Los Angeles pavement as they had done so many times before, only this time, it was not in pool of their own vomit. Obviously, Perez’ henchmen were playing hard ball, and not the kind that’s fun.
They were here to take down our agents and strip them of all that is glittery and good.
“What the fuck?! Cassidy and Cheeks are passed out again. I told them to go easy on the Cheektini’s while working a case. Club boys. Now what are we suppose to do?” Zombe!Kris growled. “I bet they were going to ditch us for that party anyway.”
“Let’s just leave a note on them, they’ll be fine. Weho is full of half dressed boys, boys, boys in dark alleys. No one will even notice. I’m calling my agent and getting a fleet of limo’s here pronto because I’m beautiful, dirty, rich and that’s how I rolls”, said the mysterious blond.
As they all piled into the vehicles, a strange and hypnotic beat greeted them. It was dancy but with a glam rock shuffle beat. It was new and exciting and the sound of that whack whip drove everyone into frenzy. Bodies started moving against bodies, bumping and grinding in a sea of flesh and fantasy. There was no longer color or gender just glitter and glitz and love. Well, not exactly love, but it was hot. Everyone joined in the fun. As the beat kept pounding so did the sweaty pile of humans and zombies, united in one gyrating pile of wanton lust. Kris felt a moment of betrayal to his beloved Vampire!Adam but then remembered that Adam very firmly believed that sex was not the enemy. Perez was.
Meanwhile, back at the evil lair, Vampire!Adam was picking at his nail polish impatiently. Being held hostage was not nearly as hot when Kris wasn’t involved. The more his thoughts drifted to Kris, the tighter his pants became. The more he caressed his jeans the firmer the glambulge became. He slowly removed his belt and unzipped his jeans. He zipped and unzipped them a few more times because he loved the sound that little zipper made. Playing with his zipper made him as hot and horny as a fangirl on Friday night. A tuft of dark gingery hair appeared and it took his own breath away. Fuck, he was hot!!! Reaching in, he slowly pulled out his pulsating cock. It was so gorgeous and huge he had to look away so as not to be blinded by its unearthly glow. He slipped his jeans down as he reached for the lube that was always kept in the bedside drawer in every evil lair, right next to the Holy Bible. Slathering his member with a thick, warm layer of moisture, he let out a little whimper. It had been a long time since he had felt the caress of his own hand. The smooth velvety skin was soft and firm. Oh god, he was so massive he even impressed himself. A rush of heat flew through his cold body and he stroked his cock, faster and faster. Time and space no longer existed. All that was real was the pleasure coursing thru his veins. The feeling was such ecstasy. It light up his nerves like an overloaded switchboard. Just as he let out a satisfied moan ….
The door opened up and there standing in the doorway was zombie!Kris. He slowly made his way over to Vampire!Adam while he stopped stroking his slong long enough to get off the bed. He was tied down but the magical attraction of Zombie!Kris and Vampire!Adam threw all of the straps off! He stood there gazing at Zombie!Kris and looked into his eyes. Kris looked up and said……….mmmmmmmmmm. As Kris made his way down Adam’s body, Adam ripped off his Vampire shirt that he bought at Vampires-R-Us. Zombie Kris looked up at Adam and said “mmmm…good” and took Adam’s entire meat log in his mouth!
He let out a monstrous groan at the feel of Kris’s cold mouth on his cock! He looked down and saw that Kris had a cut on the top of his head. He would have sucked at the blood pooled there but he didn’t want to interrupt the best blowjob he had ever gotten! For a dead guy, he was amazingly hot! Adam thought for sure he could suck a ping-pong ball out of a vacuum cleaner hose! Adam had fallen back on the bed at this point because he was getting so weak in the knees due to Kris’s power mouth.
He was just about to cum messily in his mouth when Kris stopped suddenly and looked up at him. Adam looked down and flashed his teeth at him. Zombie!Kris got up and made his way to Adam’s mouth and started to kiss him hard and rough! Adam pulled him back and exposed his neck. He whispered into his ear that he was going to turn him into his kind so that they could be together at last forever. Kris just looked at him and said “mmmmmm….good”.
Adam took Kris’s mouth and sucked hard before he exposed his neck one more time. Adam flashed his teeth one more time…because that is what all good vampires do! He bit down onto Kris and groaned in anticipation…..only no blood came out. He sucked harder and harder at the place getting very frustrated.
He stopped and pulled Kris’s face to him…………he was unconscious! At this sight, Adam realized the big mistake he had just made. He had broken the cardinal rule of Vampires that said if you bite and drain the life out of a life-less soul you will be punished in eternal hell and never allowed to cum again…ever! No one really understood this rule but it was in the Big Book of Vampire Happiness and Joy and what was put in that book was law. Unfortunately the book had fallen into the local drunk vampire and he had written that in it during a night of biting plants and drinking Long Island Ice Teas!
He screamed out a horrific scream and dropped down with the lifeless body of Zombie!Kris. He leaned down and kissed him softly but still hot enough to cause an erection in Zombie!Kris and blurted out “I am soo sorry!!!” in an anguished voice. As soon as he said this he was vaporized and taken to eternal hell where copies of all cute southern boys from Arkansas walked around nekid and horny only he could not relieve his erect throbbing cock for the rest of eternity.
As soon as Vampire!Adam was vaporized to hell, Zombie!Kris woke up and Zombie!Adam sneakily walked out from behind the black satin curtain where he had been hiding and that Vampire!Adam had loved. He grabbed Kris and threw him on the bed and the made love for the rest of their lives…..which was pretty long since they couldn’t die again!!!
“Wot?” Cheryl huffed.
“Wut?” Charles drawled.
“What?” Dean snarled.
“Exactly,” David Hasselhoff nodded knowingly.
The other three turned to look at him sitting in a stuffed leather chair by the fireplace. He was sitting crossed legged, stroking his strangely triangular goatee that gave him the appearance of an evol!villain. He was also holding a sandwich and vaguely drunk. The leather bound book with the words “TMZ: Too Many Zombies. Love Resurrected” was sitting on his lap, open to the last page. He had just finished reading the epic love story to them like a German Disco version of Alistair Cooke. They hadn’t understood a word of it.
“Dude, that doesn’t even make any sense,” Dean insisted, rolling his eyes. “I know vampires, they do not come covered in glitter.”
“Yeah, and the Kristopher I know wouldn’t have sex with a pile of dust,” Charles agreed. “I mean, Miss Kim would be pissed if he got it all over his pants.”
“Like me knickers?” Cheryl grinned, standing up and shimmying her butt.
Dean and Charles shared an appreciative nod, before turning their attention back to the Hoff.
“I can guarantee you that every word of this story is true. The epic love story between Ole’ Timey Kris and Vampire!Adam is one of the oldest events in Icelandic mythology. Most of the record is through oral history, so the story does come to us in a disjointed manner in many voices. But the love is real. Don’t be fooled by nefarious public relations operations that tell you otherwise.” He took a bite of his sandwich and chewed thoughtfully.
One of Dean’s eyebrows cocked immediately. “Ok, man, whatever you say. I think we should move on to more important things.” He swiveled his gaze to Cheryl’s still shimmying bottom and his heart-shaped mouth formed an easy smirk. “So, how’s about you and I….”
Cheryl scrunched her button nose up and shook her head disparagingly. “Did anyone evah tell yeh that yeh sound like Batman?”
Dean’s smirk collapsed and he pulled a flask out of his leather jacket.
Cheryl turned to Charles with hungry eyes “Yeh ‘owever…I fancy yeh.”
Before he could respond, Cheryl was bouncing onto Charles’ lap and undoing his fly. When she got the zipper all the way down her eyes widened and she beamed like an internationally renowned pop star. “Oooo, yeh’s a big boy, now ain’t yeh!”
Dean chugged deeply from the flask.
The Hoff smiled warmly and sighed. He just loved Love. He snapped his fingers and a lilting Scottish accent filled the air. In the monochromatic, wobbly voice of the Angels, Susan Boyle appeared in front of the fireplace singing a haunting tune.
“The jig is up the news is out they’ve finally found me..”
“Oy! Oy!” Cheryl squealed, bouncing up and down on Charles’ hard member.
“The renegade who had it made retrieved for a bounty…”
“Sonofabitch!” Dean growled. Chug.Chug.Chug.
“Never more to go astray…”
“Do i’ like that! Blimey ‘ell!” Cheryl shrieked as Charles attempted to not fall over.
“This will be the end today of the wanted man”
The Hoff breathed in a contented chuckle and watched as Lady Gaga, wearing only a g-string, hip holster, and Sheriff’s badge pinned through her nipple did an interpretive dance in front of SuBo. Goddamn, he threw the best Book Club parties!
Suddenly a loud crash echoed through the room’s high mahogany-paneled walls. All eyes turned towards the ceiling as what looked like a disco ball descended down upon them. As it got closer to the floor, it knocked a mid-verse SuBo back into the fireplace.
“Noooo, but I’ve never been kiiiiiiiissssssssssssed!” she wailed as twelve cats sprung from various corners of the room to try and save her from dying in a fire.
“Ouch” the whole room said in unison as the cats failed.
As the Disco Ball landed and a door opened in it, they realized that it was actually some sort of spaceship. A man with gleaming white hair that looked vaguely like late 70’s Marlon Brando and a blonde woman that didn’t look like anyone stepped out through the doorway.
“Dawn,” the Woman pronounced.
“The ink of night slow dances with muddled fire,” the Man nodded, gesturing at the remains of SuBo.
“Jagged mountain tops in a breathy mauve peak out of vague camouflage,” the Woman continued, taking one of the Man’s hands in her own.
“A crow moans in horny recovery,” the Man said solemnly, staring straight at Cheryl.
“Wot?” she squacked, pulling her skirt down.
“Rubbing a last one out amid coconut ghosts and spiderwebs,” the Woman continued, shaking her head at Charles.
“Wut?” he shrugged, hiding a grin.
“This alley cat block still a mystery to me,” the Man sighed, looking at Dean with soft eyes.
“Bitch please,” Dean mumbled, chugging.
“On the roof. Seeking proof,” they finished, their voices one. They turned to The Hoff, who was hiding behind a ruggedly handsome, bearded man with long hair and a Jesus shirt sitting in the corner. No one had noticed him before.
Bo Bice ate a piece of mango and shrugged at the chaos around him. “But what I really want to know is Who Is Dean?”
“Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam!” Dean bellowed, shoving his gun as far as it could go into his mouth and willing himself far away from these people. Hell would be preferable at this point.
Power zapped out of the Man’s fingertips and The Hoff began floating in the air towards him. Layer by layer, like an onion, he was stripped bare. First his clothes, then his evol!goatee, then finally his skin, until a lithe bright green creature appeared before them, replacing the German Sensation they had been conversing with all evening.
“Wot?” Cheryl gasped.
“Wut?” Charles choked.
“What?” Dean garbled around his gun barrel.
The Hoff, now revealed in her true alien form as Chunkey O’Gobstopper, shrugged.
The Man and Woman, Chunkey’s parents Ra and Lod, put their hands on their daughter’s shiny green shoulders and smiled warmly. They had sent her down to this planet to tell the tale of Ole Timey Kris and Vampire!Adam and now it was time for her to return with them.
However, Chunkey looked around at the people in the room. Cheryl perplexed, Dean’s trigger caught on his molar, SuBo melted, Gaga still dancing, and Charles trying to convince Bo to share his mango. She didn’t think they were quite ready to accept The Proof of the Truth yet and knew she had to give it one more shot………
SO CHUNKEY SAID “KRIS AND ADAM ARE REAL! JUST LIKE SANTA CLAUS AND THE EASTER BUNNY AND THE HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA!! THEY ARE REAL!! AND IF YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES AND SAY KRADAM THREE TIMES OUTLOUD THEY WILL APPEAR!!”
AND EVERYONE WHO WAS ALL GATHERED AROUND WERE ALL “WUT?’ AND LIKE “YOU LIE!” AND WERE TOTALLY NOT BUYING IT.
“COME ON EVERYONE, CHANT WITH ME!” CHUNKEY URGED THE OTHERS. “KRADAM!!!” SHE THREW HER LONG GREEN ARMS UP TO HE SKY AND BEGAN TO TWIRL. “KRADAM! COME ON!! EVERY TIME AN ANGEL GETS IT’S WINGS KRADAM SHOOTS OUT OF A RAINBOW!!”
THE GROUP WAS STILL NOT BUYING IT BUT CHUNKEY YELLED OUT “KRADAM” FOR THE THIRD TIME AND THE GROUND BEGAN TO TREMBLE AND A CLOUD OF GLITTER ROSE UP OUT OF NOWHERE AND FROM THE CLOUD OF GLITTER SHOT UP A RAINBOW AND PRANCING ON THE RAINBOW WAS A UNICORN.
“SEE I TOLD YOU THEY WERE REAL!” CHUNKEY TWIRLED.
AND SURE ENOUGH ON TOP OF THE UNICORN THAT PRANCED ON THE RAINBOW WAS ZOMBIE KRIS AND ZOMBIE ADAM AND VAMPIRE ADAM AND VAMPIRE KRIS AND THEY WERE ALL WAVING THEIR HANDS IN THE AIR. “COME WITH US AND RIDE THE RAINBOW TO THE STARS!!” THEY CHANTED AS BUTTERFLIES AND KOALAS EXPLODED INTO SHOOTING STARS.
EXCITEDLY EVERYONE FOLLOWED CHUNKEY ON BOARD THE RAINBOW AND THEY SHOT OFF INTO THE HEAVENS. AS THEY SHOT UP THE VAMPIRE ADAM AND KRIS AND THE ZOMBIE ADAM AND KRIS ALL BEGAN TO SING AND GRIND ON EACH OTHER.
“EAT U UP”
(ALL THE KRIS’)
JUMPIN OFF THE GRAVESTONE
BEING DEAD, BEING DEAD,
TIRED OF BEING ALONE
DON’T PUMP MY HEAD, ALL FULL OF LEAD.
IMMA EAT YOU UP, IMMA EAT YOU UP
HUMAN FLESH IS SO TAAAASTY
FIRST I’LL NIBBLE YOU AND THEN WE CAN SCREW
ARE YA GONNA LAY WITH ME?
ALL MY AFTERLIFE I’VE BEEN WAITING
SPENT MY DAYS, MASTURBATING NOW
USE A GRIP, OR YOUR LIPS
IT’S TIME TO PLEASURE ME
CANT YOU SEE WHAT I NEED?
(ALL THE ADAM’S)
BREAKIN THROUGH THE SUNLIGHT
VAMPING ON, VAMPING ON,
MIGHT DIE BUT IT’S ALL RIGHT
WE’LL GET IT ON,FROM DUSK TILL DAWN
IMMA EAT YOU UP I’MMA EAT YOU UP
YOU’RE GONNA SEE HOW WELL I BLOW
BLOOD IS WHAT I SUCK, I’M NOT WITH THE DUCK,
AND YOU’RE THE ONE I WANT TO FUCK
ALL MY AFTERLIFE I’VE BEEN WAITING
SPENT MY DAYS, MASTURBATING NOW
USE A GRIP, OR YOUR LIPS
IT’S TIME TO PLEASURE ME
CANT YOU SEE WHAT I NEED?
STUPID JERKS THAT HATE US CREATURES
HOMOPHOBES AND GOKEY PREACHERS
COUNTLESS TIMES WE’VE FACED THE HATERS
FUCK OFF GUYS, WE’LL FEED YOU TO THE ALLIGATORS!!
ALL MY AFTERLIFE I’VE BEEN WAITING
SPENT MY DAYS, MASTURBATING NOW
USE A GRIP, OR YOUR LIPS
IT’S TIME TO PLEASURE ME
CANT YOU SEE WHAT I NEED?