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Aug 31

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FROM THE FANDOM HANDBOOK: HOW TO EFFECTIVELY USE THE COMMENT SECTION

A few days ago Adam decided to favorite this tweet:

fave1And some fans thought this was him sending us a message since, well, he favorited another tweet basically saying so:

fave2

Could it be that Adam is unhappy with the way his fans conduct themselves in comment sections? Is this even possible?!?!

HAS HE EVEN READ THE HANDBOOK!?!?!

I mean every fan got one of these at orientation (except the two quoted above I guess) so I guess I had just assumed he was familiar with the rules and regulations as well. Let’s get him up to speed, shall we?

FANDOMHANDBOOK

Here is an excerpt:

1.) You are required to comment:

First lesson in the being a fan handbook, sub-chapter “Protocol for Comment Section Interaction”, is that you are required to comment. This is non negotiable and failure to do so can result in the revocation of your state issued stan card. If there is an article, blog post, YouTube video, tweet from someone outside the fandom, or any other digital media with an available means to reply, your first duty as a fan is to make sure you get your message across.

 

2.) Always identify yourself:

When beginning your comment make sure to clearly identify yourself. This can be done in many ways, but it is highly recommended you begin by making it obvious to the reader that you are an Adam fan. The words “glam, glitter, sparkly, unicorn, rainbow, bulge, bert” proceeded or followed by a series of numbers in any sequence are suggested as they are easily recognizable. Next remember that there is a strict hierarchy among fandom so stating how long you have been a fan for, and what prompted your undying love and admiration, is suggested so as to give your comments a sense of importance to other readers. Last but not least is to remember that anyone over the age of 65 is required to state their age for the wonderment of others.

 

3.) Clarify your intention:

After clearly identifying yourself you must further support your intention for commenting. There must be no doubt for the reader that you are here for Adam and no other reason. Some ways to accomplish this is to make blanket statements about how he is better than any other artist that ever existed, denounce other singers and their talents, and mock others for enjoying other artists since they do not possess the same abilities as Adam. These are a few examples, but feel free to use your own judgement. Remember the ruder the better.

4.) Hyperbole, hyperbole, hyperbole:

This is one of the more important steps in completing your comment, for none is truly complete without a long diatribe extolling Adam’s many virtues. Some examples would be to call him a ‘rock god”, an “icon” or any other combination of superfluous adjectives. Comparing him to, or proclaiming him to be better than, past musical icons are not required but strongly encouraged. Long, lengthy musings on his various physical attributes and what they do to your private areas is recommended, no matter how graphic or tasteless. Examples on how he has changed your life, complete with an emotional anecdote, are always a good idea even if they have little to nothing to do with the subject at hand.

5.) Demonstrate Lack of Awareness:

This is not required but it certainly is a tactic that has been employed in the past to great result. Making yourself sound as completely out of touch as possible further reinforces that your love for Adam is true and untainted by reality. If you use this method you are required to state at least one of the following: that you do not enjoy popular music, or that you do not listen to popular radio. While you are only required to state one, using both packs more of a punch. If you do happen to bring up any type of musical or cultural touchstone you must make sure it occurred on or before December, 31st 1979.

 

6.) The “victim card”:

Last but certainly not least, this may be the most important part of the commenting process. Never underestimate the power of using the victim card. This is the idea that no matter what happens, Adam is and forever will be scorned. Remember that no praise will ever be enough praise and it is your duty as a fan to vigorously and bitterly point out the bad in any good situation. This includes but is not limited to: perceived snubs, being overlooked in the US, American Idol conspiracies, lack of radio play, and homophobia.

There you go. Now you are well versed in how to properly comment as a fan, go forth and make those comment sections your bitch.

There. I hope after reading this, Adam will see the error of his ways. For us fans weren’t actively trying to be embarrassing as fuck, no, we were simply following an established set of rules that were given to us on our first day as fans. Simple mistake. If he wishes to make an addendum to the handbook he can simply just submit one and we can all just modify our behavior as such. Easy peasy.

 

 Thank you to Melirose89 for assistance in reviewing the handbook. It’s very ~wordy and technical and I appreciate her patience and grasp of the English language.

~FIN~

 

Permanent link to this article: http://www.thehomeplanet.org/2014/08/from-the-fandom-handbook-how-to-effectively-use-the-comment-section/

28 comments

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  1. Sher

    no comment

    1. marisa_965

      LOL, really????

  2. Random

    Perfect synopsis of Volume I. If I recall Volume II had a great tutorial on obligatory fandom apparel that bridged from how to conceal crows feet with glitter and how to make your ass look bigger than Nicki Minaj’ http://www.thehomeplanet.org/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/shakeass.gif with zebra or cougar prints. Can’t wait for Vol #3. Do I get to chose who’s tongue goes in my cheek?

  3. wtf

    My copy of the Handbook has another rule:

    When at a loss for the best video to post to show his skills, you can’t go wrong with ‘COME TO ME, BEND TO ME’ from Brigadoon. This would be the perfect time to inform the potential newbies reading your comment that ‘ADAM IS A CLASSICALLY TRAINED OPERA SINGER!!’

    1. Joely

      OMG – YES !! HAHAHA!!!

  4. Bbctcher

    Brilliant.

  5. durberville

    … “remember that anyone over the age of 65 is required to state their age for the wonderment of others.”

    bwahahahahaha! omg that and the “I don’t listen to pop music” meme

    you nailed it.

  6. Pam

    Chunky I nominate you to interview Adam next! Thanks for making my day!!

    1. glambertized4evr

      yes yes yes
      http://www.thehomeplanet.org/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/HappyRun.gif

  7. Random

    I second that nomination for Chunk to interview Adam. I need to start that campaign on twitter. I could use some picket signs too. Does anyone here make good picket signs? I could march in front of Whole Foods where Adam is bound to see them. *Fandom Demands Adam Interview by Chunky” #FDAIBChttp://www.thehomeplanet.org/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif

    1. glambertized4evr

      OMG … that would be hilarious. pleeeeeze …

      http://www.thehomeplanet.org/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/HappyRun.gifhttp://www.thehomeplanet.org/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/HappyRun.gifhttp://www.thehomeplanet.org/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/HappyRun.gif

  8. Melirose89

    Yasssss. *screams* lol

  9. Stacey

    LOVE IT!

  10. Voltairie

    Laffinksohard. O help. Terminal hiccups.

  11. idk

    Regarding point #2, an avatar that features a picture of Adam and/or a Twibbon overlay relating to his current projects greatly helps with identification.

    Also, capitalize random adjectives to emphasize just how TALENTED and INCREDIBLE Adam is. Capitalized words in the middle of blocks of hyperbolic text always draw the eyes of uninformed masses.

  12. Kara

    Wow so much for the fans that were sincerely just sticking up for Adam. Why not write a passive aggressive article about the fans and let the trolls have a field day. There is certainly nothing cute about some of these comments. Adam’s tweets were quite explanatory no need to drive it into the ground.

  13. Jeremiah

    LOL way to go Kara do all these handbook rules apply to you then? Awwww

  14. Charbar

    OMG!!!! This right here is gold!!!!!😉

  15. Big Tears

    Maybe then just listen to Adam, Kara and STFU already. How embarassing that he had to call idiots out like that.

  16. Saulibert Forever

    Nailed it! I see this crap all the time when I’m gathering news articles up, more embarrassing when it happens on a big name website like Rolling Stone or Billboards. Sad when Adam has to call people out in the fandom especially knowing they’re probably not going to listen anyways.

  17. Curly

    I have another rule for Volume 2 – How to respond to trolls!

    They require a serious answer. When you see a comment like ‘He’s a talentless douchebag!’, a simple ‘F… off Troll’ will never do. That is your cue to regurgitate every bit of evidence of Adam’s talent complete with praise from famous people. Be sure to include examples of his philanthropy to negate the ‘douchebag’ bit.

    Nevermind if ‘Sparklycougar69′ replied first with all of the above. Just say to her ‘I couldn’t agree more!’ then repeat everything she said in your own words. You might like to add any extras you can think of as the longer the post the more likely it is that someone will read it.

    Paragraphs of course are purely optional.

  18. glammgurl

    Too funny!!!!! And my 2 favorites were also the “over 65 bit” and the “not liking/listening to pop music.” Not a means for bringing in new fans. As always thanks for the laughs.http://www.thehomeplanet.org/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gifhttp://www.thehomeplanet.org/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

  19. glambertized4evr

    you’re a genius.http://www.thehomeplanet.org/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yes.gifhttp://www.thehomeplanet.org/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yes.gifhttp://www.thehomeplanet.org/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yes.gif

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