I will be honest. While I always thought Chris Colfer was the BEST actor on Glee, I never shipped his character Kurt with anyone. Not even with Blaine. I KNOW! And though I tried to fight it for all of 5 seconds, the ship of STARKURT seems so wrong it must be right.
I SHIP IT BRO. CAN’T EVEN LIE.
So today I will have some fun ~breaking down the SCENE THAT LAUNCHED A THOUSAND STARKURT FANFICS AND A MILLION TERROR FILLED CAPSLOCK FILLED RANTS OF KLAINER SHIPPERS ON TUMBLR.
Caps from HERE.
GET READY TO SET SAIL AFTER THE CUT.
“Welcome to the singing step touch jazz hands diner, my name is Kurt. Our special today is pot roast with a side of ME.”
“THANK GOD YOU HAVE THESE AWESOME BRAILLE MENUS, YA KNOW, SINCE I AM LEGALLY BLIND EVEN WITH THESE KICK ASS GRANDPA GLASSES. HO HUM. YEP. NOTHING TO SEE HERE. JUST A LEGALLY BLIND GUY YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE…”
*Is strangely aroused by this dorky stranger. Fights the urge to BOOP him on the nose AND rip off his clothes at the same time*
“TA DA! I AM THE MASTER OF DISGUISE!! IT Do you like me now? Does this please you? I hope so because I can’t see shit.”
“STARCHILD IS ELLIOTT IS CLARK KENT IS SUPERMAN!!! OH MAH GAAAWD!!”
“I am so gonna destroy you. You have no idea.”
‘So I am just gonna stare at you and use my magical sex powers until you let me be in your ridiculous cover band mmkay? That’s how this is gonna work.”
*OOOOH SWEET MYSTERY OF LIFE AT LAST I’VE FOUND YOUUUU!!*
“So like I am sorry that my strong urge to peacock like a mofo scared the shit out of you. It happens a lot to me. But I really wanna be in your band.”
“I’m sorry what? I was lost in your eyes and busy dreaming up shipper names for us…wasn’t listening.”
“I NEED TO BE IN YOUR PANTS–ERM I MEAN BAND. BAND. I NEED TO BE IN YOUR PANTS–DAMMIT!! BAND! PANTS! NO…WAIT….WHAT WAS I SAYING?”
“Just let me love you Kurt…”
“I’m sorry I was such a bitch to you before. But I’ve came to the conclusion that the best thing for my brand is to surround myself with talented people whose hair is as big and full of sekrits as mine.”
“Bitch PLEASE. You know my hair is bigger than yours.”
“So anyways I am from New Jersey and I totally came into the city all the time from New Jersey because it’s New Jersey and who wants to stay there and New York an college and arts and culture and blah blah blah anyways how cute are we? We totes look like we are on a date.”
*AND IIIIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOOOOVE YOUUUUUUU*
“Just so you know, you won’t regret hiring me for your band. I OWN A BEDAZZLER.”
*TODAAAY I MET THE BOY I’M GOING TO MARRRRRY!!*
“Can I just say that while STARKURT sounds quite epic, I am partial to the sophistication of Kelliott….decisions decisions…”
“Oh God…is that…your foot? Running….up….my…..thigh…to….my……ughhnnnnghhh….”
“WAIT…FALSE ALARM. NOW. NOW I CAME. YEP. THERE IT IS.”
‘Yes I know. My jizz senses were ~tingling.”
“So about the band….let’s get serious here….I mean I came all the way from Jersey…”
“I PROMISE IF YOU LET ME IN THE BAND I WILL LOVE THE BAND AND HUG IT AND KISS IT AND PET IT AND NAME IT GEORGE. OH WAIT….YOU ALREADY SAID I WAS IN THE BAND DIDN’T YOU? SORRY I’M OVERCOME WITH SEX FEELINGS AND HAVE SHORT TERM MEMORY LOSS AND CRAZY EYES.”
“Seriously though…how hot am I right? I am shocked you haven’t jumped me yet. It shows strength of character. You may be worthy of my penis grasshopper. You just may be.”
“SERIOUSLY! WE’RE TOTALLY GONNA DO IT! PEOPLE ALREADY SHIP US AND WE’VE ONLY EXISTED FOR LIKE A MINUTE! THE TRIBE HAS SPOKEN YA KNOW.”
“Oh. Me gusta.”
‘Sorry, was that ok that I just told everyone that we are gonna bone? I mean it’s pretty obvious so….oh by the way you are totally in the band. We’re gonna name it Pamela Landsbury though so if you want out now is your last chance…”
*SMIZE SMIZE SMIZE*