As I sat down to write this recap, I thought about how freaking wanky everyone in fandom is right now and I couldn’t help wondering “why is everyone so angry?” I’m including myself in that in the sense that I kept getting upset at dumb shit on the show this season, and then I just had to remember that it’s a silly (and fun!) genre show on the CW and it’s really not that serious. I mean, guys, we are living in the post-LOL CANON world, and it’s hilarious.
Embrace the LOL CANON. Love the LOL CANON.
Lets just consider ourselves living in an AU. I mean, not the good kind of AU where Smith and Wesson fuck in the elevator or anything. But lets just imagine that, once upon a Kripke, Sam and Dean jumped together into a big CGI hole in the ground and halfway down, God zapped them back up and said “good work, fellas!” and then sent them on their way, in their hotass car, to see the Grand Canyon for the very first time. And that was the end of that.
But now? Now we are in the AU where Casper Van Dien and Colonel Samantha Carter found a Stargate in a treehouse and rode that bitch all the way to the Telemundo production of “Mi Cielo Vampirico”, guest starring two contractually obligated underwear models, one dude with a lot of obsessive twitter followers, and that Mark Sheppard guy, who will guest star in anything.
We open up on the Whisperer, who looks like he’s also living through Date Night aftermath
We say to ourselves “Self! Something must be off because we know that the Whisperer disappeared from Dobby’s Houseboat of Incompetence!” But then the LOL CANON-lovin’ part of ourselves says “Maybe that never actually happened tee-hee!”
However, things seem strangely back to normal when Freckles gets a facial
Dimples is jealous and tries to work his, um, dimples, in order to get a facial, too. The Whisperer doesn’t fall for it
They claim to have the other half of the tablet, but we know something is off because they are basically recreating the Krak-chester episode. You can always tell when Dimples is not Dimples because of how smarmy Jared looks
The Whisperer ~gets to work~ on the third trial as the Faux-chesters leave the boat and walk through the Stargate that Fergus stole from Amanda Tapping to reveal themselves as that uber-dork from Superbad and some black guy that will likely die.
Fergus tells Superbad that he’s a horrible Faux-Dimples because he’s doing the smarmy eyebrows. Also, he’s sounding like asshole instead of a whiny brat, which is like, totally backwards for the Winchesters, you know? Fergus says he’s going to have to erase the Whisperer’s memory of Date Night if he keeps it up, and none of us want that.
This also seems to confirm that Mama Whisperer is probably dead, so the Dead POC Count in 8.19 just went up to FOUR. Good times!
…which might be in the Egyptian Art wing of the Met Museum. No one is sure
Over to the Fortress of Solitude, where our boys are living in blissful domesticity.
LOL no they’re not–Freckles is trying to feed Dimples to get his strength back for Date Night Part Deux: The Soprano Sings Again
Then he gets all Mama Bear and I must be soooooo easy in this post-LOL CANON world because it makes me awwwww.
The email has one of those “I’m totally dead if you are watching this because you were too stupid to move me to your super secret underground bunker” videos.
They try to get a hold of Dobby, who is AWOL because of course he is. It’s Dobby, people. Trusting him to watch the prophet who is translating the world of God on a dirty houseboat in the middle of Missouri is as stupid as turning Hell into a S&M club or thinking the audience actually likes Grasshopper cookies.
Freckles is like “maybe we should have moved the prophet of the Lord here to the super secret underground bunker” and Jared Padalecki’s cheekbones are like “no shit, Cumberbatch”
Over to a Biggersons in Santa Fe, where Sparks is eating fried foods and coffee and has hair verging suspiciously on hobo-territory. I suspect Date Night fever is contagious!
He zaps off, however, before two more White Dick Angels can appear to interrogate the unfortunately waxed eyebrowed twink that sees him disappear into thin air.
White Dick #1 reports back to Amanda Tapping about the fact that Sparks is jumping Biggersons to avoid them or something, who knows. Amanda is too distracted by trying to figure out how Fergus stole her Stargate
Over to the Fortress, where Freckles sums up this season
Dimples, meanwhile, remembers that he’s supposed to be re-creating S1 and brings up some random class that he had at Stanford. He recognizes some symbol in the Whisperer’s notes or the Magical Library or something-something-just-pretend-you-care.
Supposedly the Magical Library tells them that Alan Rickman is hiding out on a reservation somewhere. Freckles hopes that he can buy some tax-free cigarettes while he’s there, to put in the trunk and save for a rainy day with the moldy chicken feathers.
Dimples proves his Dimple-ness. No smarmy eyebrows here!
Goddamn you, Edlundian close-ups!
Oh yeah, this is definitely an Edlund episode
Back to Biggersons, where Amanda Tapping is running down the greatest hits of Angel Dickitude. Then she starts in on what I believe is our first real Sparks retcon of the season. And you get a retcon, and you!
You know, I think this new idea that Sparks was ~created a rebel~ or whatever actually makes him and his journey over 4 seasons a lot less interesting. First of all, it’s takes away from a lot of the “wooo free will!” aspect of it, and the process of him learning and growing because of his experience from good soldier to thinking and acting for himself (a journey paralleled neatly with Freckles). It also takes away from the contrasts between him and Uriel and him and Anna, which were some of the more interesting parts of S4 and the introduction of the angels. Alas!
I will say that I’m pleased to report that it’s looking like Amanda Tapping and the Angel Black-op Ninjas are the ones who have had the Continuity Department in the secret CIA prison since 2009. Whew, mystery solved!
Over to the Stargate, where the Whisperer is sending Superbad and Soon-to-be-Dead out to get him some baby back ribs. Fergus muses that he would have been a great Freckles, if only to give him a chance to be inside Jensen Ackles (hey-yo!)
Back to the room at the reservation, where Ben Edlund attempts to recreate the classic drunk!Sammy scene from Playthings, but fails miserably because of lack of face-grabbing, Dimples bed humping, and complete and total annihilation of basic canon.
So LOL CANON this season has managed to ruin BOTH of my two dream series finale scenarios. In the first, the guys, after doing whatever it is they do, get in their hotass car and, as a reward for being relatively awesome, take a break and drive off into the sunset towards the Grand Canyon, finally, before having to fight on another day.
In my other, deeper, wish for the series finale, My Queen Meg runs over both guys with the Impala and then drives off into the sunset towards the Grand Canyon because they never got to see it and she finds their misery hilarious.
Over to Freckles, who is asking some wise man dude about this messenger of God thing, and recognizes Old Big and Silent from the front desk in some old picture on the wall. I’m feeling uncomfortably like this is going to turn into “Native Americans worshipping some white dude”…and that’s totally what it is because of course it is lol
Back to the sick bed, where Dimples takes the pointy-nose-cam (as Kat calls the fish-eye lol) for a ride in the hallway of doom, which looks kind of like the 8.19 Hell set, but without the whips and chains.
Consumption makes him a creeper, and he spies Big and Silent delivering UPS packages full of English Lit to a room that probably contains someone whose name rhymes with Smallan Smickman.
Back to the reservation, where the Date Night Aftermath has taken a chilly turn
Gratuitous Jensen Ackles’ Face™ for Deangirl-required balance
Back to woobie Sparks, who is in the middle of a face-off between Fergus and Amanda over the stolen Stargate. Amanda angel-blinks first.
Fergus then reveals that White Dick Angel #1 is on his payroll as well, since everybody wants to hang with Mark Sheppard these days. Oh, and he shoots Sparks in the gut, because every woobie needs to bleed from all orifices (that’s what Alastair said!)
Just then, Superbad and Soon-to-be-Dead call to inform him that the Whisperer is smarter than the average prophet (sorry, Chuck) and sent the Faux-chesters on a wild goose chase to Devil’s trap land. Fergus goes to deal with that situation, while White Dick Angel #1 supervises the woobie.
Back to the reservation, where Dimples is tripping (literally) down memory lane as they head to Alan Rickman’s room. Awwwwww, we need more Weechester episodes, but that stupid Colin Ford had to go grow up and stuff. Bastard!
Then he remembers how bad the water pressure is in motels:
Yeah, that works, too!
They head down to Alan Rickman’s room, which looks like a librarian version of Hoarders. Meanwhile, Jensen uses this episode to fondle Jared as much as possible.
Then, suddenly, Metatron is revealed as…not Alan Rickman at all.
Not sure why an angel needs a shotgun, but okay! Dimples, knee deep in angel radio feedback, pulls a Reese Witherspoon on poor sheltered St. Booger.
Back to Fergus’ satellite office, where White Dick Angel #1 is explaining to woobie Sparks why he became a CIA/KGB double agent. Meanwhile, Sparks is performing a magical angel c-section on himself and out-doing all the kink bingo so far this year. Take that Pedo-Dog!
No, really, ew.
Over to the Stargate, where Fergus is mad that the Whisperer won’t share his ribs. He wants his baby back!
The Whisperers says he figured out the Faux-chesters were faux because they weren’t complete assholes like the Winchesters. Makes sense to me!
Back to the reservation where St. Booger is like “tell me about canon!” and the boys are like “LOL CANON!”
After that, St. Booger literally pulls up a chair to give us endless bits of exposition about the daddy issues of the angels (*yawn*) and how Chuck is banging strippers in Australia. NO BIG!
Back to White Dick Angel #1, who is lamenting how distraught he was working for Amanda and having to watch the Continuity Department languish in the black-op prison for so many years. I mean, who is there to remember the Grand Canyon? No one, I tell you, no one!
Sparks thinks continuity is for pussies, and ganks White Dick Angel #1 with an angel bullet mpreg baby right to the eyeball.
Back to St. Booger, who is still not Alan Rickman.
Anyone else think St. Booger is a little creepy? I think he’d probably appreciate chapped lips, goats, fisting, and graphic mpreg as well. Maybe even at the same time–kinky!
P.S. good to see Ben Edlund’s meta megalomania is approaching Kripke-esque levels. At least something feels familiar.
Freckles steps in to batman-voice shame St. Booger about the Whisperer, who they still think is dead.
The Whisperer, as we know, is the only smart person left on the show, and is in fact alive. However, that’s not going to be for long if Fergus gets his way. Luckily, St. Booger decides it’s time to go step in, and seems to possess the Whisperer long enough to angel-zap Fergus. Preeeeeeeeeeetty sure there was no vessel consenting going on, but LOL CANON so NO BIG!
Freckles follows St. Booger into the next room to try to stare him into joining TEAM LOL CANON.
Meanwhile, the Whisperer wakes from his slumber, and Freckles is so excited he looks like he’s about to climb on board.
The Whisperer suddenly pulls the third trial out of his stomach (or pocket) and tells them that he figured it out but didn’t tell Fergus. St. Booger interrupts by saying the third trial is to “cure a demon” and my pure seething rage over My Queen and what could have been burns strong and pure.
Over to the obligatory ending scene in the Most Important Object in the Universe, where Dimples says he feels better because they are moving towards “the end” and hallelujah to that one, so long Season Suck.
Meanwhile, they stop to pick-up some Jimmy Novak-shaped road kill that’s just lying there in the road.
J2 are really cute, yayayayaya!
True Blood Drawl Scale: No Alan Rickman sex voice -1million
Purgatory Monster Gank-o-Meter: Fucking angels -1million
Tarzan!Sam Hair Watch: sassy and wet +5000
Wincestosity: Mama Bear and domesticity +1million
Gifs by fiercelynormal and tumblr
Screencaps by homeofthenutty
Banner by Heather