Hey guys, look! The third episode in a row that didn’t make me want to bash myself in the face with a brick! Also the third episode in a row that did not have a side trip to Keebler Village or the Canadian Bayou. Coincidence? Or absolute 100% science? I’ll let you be the judge.
We open up in a Quentin Tarantino movie in 1944. Everything is stylized and there are Nazis and Canadians speaking bad German, but no sightings of Brad Pitt and his tiny moustache as of yet. Christoph Waltz is there though, and doing some spellwork–I bet he wishes he had a couple ANGEL FEATHERS, amirite??
Luckily, Hulk comes in to Hulk Smash some Nazis (was Captain America busy?) but not before Christoph manages to magic himself away.
We head over to real time, where the boys are driving up to what I shall hereby dub the Fortress of Solitude and not the Bat Cave, because we all know it’s really about the gigantic key (lock!)
They head inside and find lots of Timey-Wimey stuff left over my Grandpa Timey-Wimey’s Illuminati friends. Freckles goes to hit the power breaker and when he does, Dimples is so shocked that he accidentally steals his brother’s dialogue.
What he’s staring at is the Timey Wimey library, which is, like, so much more special-er than BOBBY’s Magical Library (still in the trunk of Sheriff Sassy’s car) or the one at the C-Unit Compound with Grandpa Skinner. I mean, duh, Illuminati.
Next morning comes, and….oh boy, the Timey Wimey music is playing. You know what that means–date night attempt #2! Freckles comes strolling out of the shower in a sassy bathrobe and slippers and he must be feeling good because Freckles/Shower is second only to Freckles/Wall on my list of OTPs. Hopefully no Illuminati ghosts were creeping on him while he was taking it because, awkward.
Freckles is so ready for date night. I mean, timey wimey music, showered up, pre-lubed. He’s ready to go, Dimples, take your man! But nooooooo, Research!Sammy needs to look at the “books” and totally turns into MISTER PRISSYFACE FANCYPANTS NO FUN again.
Luckily for everyone involved, Freckles is easily distracted by shiny objects.
Dimples is like “were you dropped on your head as an infant?”
Freckles is like “Yes, only twice, but Dad did the best he could, alright??”
Lets just stop so I can say “Jensen Ackles, I love you and your dumb face, jerk”
But then poor Dimples is like, “I had this terrible dream that I was shrunk to the size of a Elven prince and woke up in a treehouse covered in dog hair and lime juice. I walked outside and got jumped by Casper Van Dien, and I have no idea what it means, Dean, but I think I really need a break and I just really like books, so let me be for a few hours and then you can re-lube and we can get on with it.”
With one stipulation though:
Freckles is like “we can just lift the back up…”
We head 7 minutes away to Pennsylvania, where Barney Miller and his at-least-it’s-better-than-RuPeen’s-accent are in the library checking out the old book that Christoph Waltz was writing in during the Tarantino movie at the top of the hour.
He tells off the rather prickly librarian in Hebrew before snatching the book and heading out.
He heads to the local pub, because that’s where any normal person would go when he just stole a book from a time-traveling Nazi. He’s being watched, however, by Dark Angel Era Jensen Ackles
Barney Miller calls someone with info about the book, but then does a little fist shake at Nazi Jensen watching him before recreating Brunnhilde’s Immolation scene from Gotterdamerung.
Two weeks later, where it seems that Freckles has been off checking on Mr. Fizzles’ Houseboat of Rockin’ Love, while Dimples stayed at the Fortress reading books and being boring.
I do love how they installed a mini-fridge for their beer lol. Although I do wonder how they are getting such good wi-fi in an underground bunker, but hey.
Freckles tells Dimples that Dobby says hi, and this is how much Dimples cares:
Then Freckles asks if he’s heard from Sparks, because of that whole “bleeding from the eyes last month” thing. Dimples is like “who?”
Freckles is like “you know, trenchcoat, chapped lips, likes to molt all over the back seat?”
Dimples is like “nope, not ringing any bells.”
Freckles is like “this help?”
Dimples is like “Stop trying to distract me, I have important book learning to do.”
Freckles is like “fine, fiiiine” and Dimples starts filling him on the case of Barney Miller and the Immolation. Turns out he was part of a group of magical ninja rabbis or something
That’s what I said, bro. Good thing you’re pretty.
Dimples is like, “c’mon, it’ll take us at least 7 minutes to drive there, lets go”
Seven minutes later, we’re at the library, where Dimples has raided the closet of Jensen Ackles, Literature Professor from last season. He heads inside and gleefully pretends to actually be Research!Sammy to get info about what Barney Miller was searching for.
Freckles is, of course, over at the pub interviewing the hot co-ed witnesses, who tell him Barney thought he was being stalked by “Nazi necromancers”, which is as likely as Wi-Fi in an underground Illuminati bunker, so lets just go with it.
Dimples, meanwhile, is continuing to get his sweater vest on.
Back to Freckles, who suddenly spots a guy who looks suspiciously like my ginger-Jew-from-Queens brother-in-law giving him the shocker.
Freckles is a little confused why my brother-in-law would think a guy who looks just like Jensen Ackles would hook up with him, so Freckles goes over to assess the scene. My brother-in-law, however, is confident that his hipster appeal, classic vinyl collection, and ability to bake a mean organic raspberry pie will win out in the end.
Freckles is like “wait, did you say pie?”
But then he remembers date night, and tries to let the guy down easy by telling him that he has to get back to his incestuous relationship with his brother and his gigantic human penis in an underground bunker built by the Illuminati and given to them through their time-traveling grandfather and his special key (lock!)
My brother-in-law is sudddenly aroused.
Freckles, not used to people being so open about his incestuous relationship with his brother’s gigantic human penis, and thinking that this guy probably wants a threesome, stumbles out awkwardly. He does consider it for a moment, if only for the pie.
He heads out and calls Dimples and his gigantic human penis. Freckles asks him if he’d be willing to have a threesome if there was pie involved but Dimples is boring and refuses because he prefers Keebler birthday cake.
Then he’s like “you need a hand?” and I’m going to sit back because this shit just writes itself lol.
Dimples uses their secret code (awww) to tell him he’s being followed and they plan to meet in 30mins…when it’s suddenly night (day!)
Dimples does the “pretend fumble with the keys” thing while Freckles finds out who is following him. Turns out to be Hulk. Ruh-roh!
I love how Freckles tries to use the intimidating Batman voice on him and Hulk is just like “LOL NO” before Hulk-Smashing him across the parking lot (which doesn’t even leave a scratch, much less break all the bones in his body like it should–hey, free Wi-Fi!)
Dimples is like “ho shit” and gets out his machete, which does absolutely nothing except give us one of Jared’s amazing “I’ma rabbit!” faces
My brother-in-law shows up just in time to stop my other OTP, Sam/Suffocation
Jared is just stunned that they managed to find someone taller than him.
Turns out, however, that my brother-in-law is really Barney’s hipster grandson instead and not only is there no threesome or foursome, but there is no pie involved either. Freckles is devastated.
Turns out that Hulk is really a Golem, which I think has something to do with the claymation California Raisins being controlled by Rabbi Ninjas. But I could be wrong.
But Honey Badger Hulk don’t care.
Dimples makes an attempt, and tells Hulk that Grandpa Timey-Wimey was Illuminati. Hulk confirms that the Rabbi Ninjas totally dug the Illuminati, so the boys are totally kosher.
Meanwhile, Nazi Jensen watches from outside
My brother-in-law tells them that, unlike them, he wasn’t raised with the supernatural. Instead, he did awesome hipster things like grow elderberries on his balcony and make Bon Iver mixtapes. Hulk is completely unamused by his shenanigans, especially because everyone knows Bon Iver is totally 2011.
My brother-in-law does protest one part, and gives us what should be, quite frankly, the motto of these recaps:
I mean, how can you argue with that?
My brother-in-law does manage to tell them about yet another secret society that the Rabbi Ninjas were fighting, this one full of Nazi Zombies. Because we have moved from angels and demons to All Secret Societies, All the Time.
Jensen Ackles pauses, so we can remember what his Face™ looks like:
Turns out that Barney called his grandson before his Immolation Scene, and gave him a funky number. Stanford!Sam busts out of pre-series fanfics and figures out that the number is a call number for the college library.
My brother-in-law is like “I’ve totally read this fic, where’s Jess??”
Freckles is like “cheating on me with another threesome already? At least give me the pie”
They head over to the library and does anyone notice that they somehow STOPPED TO CHANGE THEIR CLOTHES?
Speaking of asses, Freckles likes to watch Dimples as he runs up the stairs.
While he’s looking for the book, Dimples is totally dart-gunned by Nazi Jensen
Nazi Jensen and his totally-as-bad-as-RuPeen-accent comes to grab the book and Dimples is like “I’ma rabbit!” for the second time this episode
He slams Nazi Jensen with the book before bumbling down the stairs. Freckles is like “ebola!”
Nazi Jensen then dart-guns my brother-in-law too, right through his hipster sweater. Freckles isn’t stupid, and sends Hulk up to go deal with the Nazi Zombie while he sits there and tenderly fondles his brother’s giant ebola hickey.
Nazi Jensen tries to dart-gun Hulk, but you can’t dart-gun a California Raisin, silly! Hulk proceeds to Hulk Smash through the ornithology section.
He then proceeds to not only break his glasses, but his neck as well. With that and a little Herpexia, Dimples clears right up!
Back to the house, it’s the next day and they figure out what the book is about. Turns out Christoph Waltz was actually the magical version of Dr. Mengele and was doing experiments on people. Hulk tells how he was originally born and how he took out the guys in the Tarantino movie in the beginning.
Freckles has literally nothing to add to this sad tale so he just stays really still and poses.
Hulk says that my brother-in-law should know how to use him properly, but it turns out that he totally smoked the instructions that summer when he first discovered clover cigarettes and Neko Case.
Hulk is reaaaaaaaaaally pissed off about this. I’m actually liking the idea of a monster that wants/needs to be controlled. It’s interesting and very Frankenstein-ish.
Dimples’ terrified face is hilarious
Hulk goes to take a time-out, and Dimples goes back into exposition mode and tells everyone that the book has a list of all the Nazi Zombies and how to kill them –head shot and then burning the body within 12 hours so they don’t re-animate.
Over to the library, where Christoph Waltz, his villainous turtleneck, and his not-quite-as-bad-as-RuPeen-accent figures out that Hulk smashed Nazi Jensen and got the book.
Back to the house, where we get yet another Dobby mention and SERIOUSLY, ENOUGH. We didn’t even get BOBBY mentioned this much, and he was actually important.
Freckles gets comfortable as Research!Sammy fills him in one various lore about how to stop Hulk if they have to.
My brother-in-law comes in, and is not happy about the guys thinking they have the right to gank his California Raisin
You’re such a dick, Dean Winchester lol
Luckily, the party is broken up by Chrisoph Waltz and his Nazi Zombie henchmen!
Hulk gets ready to Smash, but Christoph Waltz starts humming “I Heard it Through the Grapevine” and it stops Hulk in his claymation tracks. Hulk then throws up a scroll that is how you control him (shouldn’t have smoked the paper!) and my brother-in-law is like “my bad!”
Christoph Waltz starts his supervillain Nazi monologues and the boys are not impressed.
Christoph Waltz goes for the joke instead
…but it’s a tough room
And my brother-in-law manages to knock his ass out just long enough to distract them so Freckles can shoot through his jacket. Because, why not?
Later on, after the pyschopaths have burned a few more Nazi corpses, the boys offer to take Hulk back to the Fortress of Solitude (or Dobby’s houseboat, they don’t really specify lol). My brother-in-law says that he needs to take responsibility and re-start the Ninja Rabbi Secret Society so that he and Hulk can come back on in a later episode when Jeremy Carver gets bored again and starts recycling.
He then totally googles how to write his name in Hebrew, so he can write it on the scroll and then shove it down Hulk’s throat. Kat named this gif “Swallow, don’t spit” because Kat is the best human being.
These two are working my size kink, NGL
My brother-in-law is looking a little starry eyed, although that could just be his giant eyeballs.
Back to the Fortress of Solitude, where the Timey Wimey music is back on because Freckles will get his date night if it kills him. Sadly, it probably won’t be tonight, because Dimples is too busy card cataloging.
Freckles asks him if this means that Dimples is going full Illuminati and Dimples doesn’t answer. Freckles goes to get the beers out of the mini-fridge, but thinks better of it and gets them Timey Wimey’s good scotch.
This was one of those episodes that was actually better upon rewatch. The first time around it was slightly boring, but the second time the details and nuance came out a bit, especially the parallel between Aaron and respecting his family history and the brother’s recent family reveals. It was a solid episode, although I do believe Edlund’s best days on this show are behind him.
I’m still tentatively liking the direction the show is going. I like that it feels like Sam has found a way to finally identify with his family legacy, especially since that has been the main source of strife for him since the beginning. He’s finally found a way to reconcile hunting with scholarship and the pursuit of knowledge, and I think it’s a welcome niche for him. Plus, the bunker as homebase likely grounds him in a way that “normal life” would. I do find it quite telling that this episode is the first one where it looked like Sam felt comfortable in his skin. He never quite got that in his life with Amelia, and that to me was always the sign that it was never going to last.
If Sam looked comfortable for the first time in a while, then Dean looked–dare I say it?–happy. I think there is always going to be an innate part of Dean that thrives on Sam’s contentedness. It’s a natural instinct in him, part of what I always considered his maternal side. For all of Dean’s macho posturing (and there is a lot of it and it’s valid), Dean is also a nurturer, and I think that side of him is inspired by his relationship with Sam. It’s both the best and worst part of Dean, but I really liked seeing it in that final moment, especially when he’s been trying so hard lately to let Sam be his own man.
The thing that makes me wary is the possibility that they will make this Brawn vs. Brain thing quite literal and give one title to each brother. I do think each gravitate to one end of the spectrum, but the important thing about the combination of the Campbell and Winchester lines was to create a mixture of the two. That’s what Sam and Dean are –a perfect mixture of both. I would hate for them to, say, dumb Dean down, or stick Sam in the library for a series of episodes. It’s a balancing act, and I hope that Carver manages to navigate it.
That ending, however, was exactly what we needed at this moment in the show. SPN lives and dies by the relationship of the brothers, and even with all the angst and conflict (and I’m sure there will be much more to come), we have to feel that they mean something to each other and because of each other. The thing that has been missing this season is a sense of comfort between them, and the feeling that they actually like each other, and not just need each other. That little toast at the end felt like that, a moment of shared history in a place, a possible home, that represents a whole new version of it.
True Blood Drawl Scale: Bad German accents -300,000
Purgatory Monster Gank-o-Meter: HULK SMASH +100,000
Tarzan!Sam Hair Watch: luxurious like a French model +50,000
Wincestosity: So good that I better not jinx it +/- zero (but secretly +1trillion)
Screencaps by gallica.com
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