OK, I’m not going to even pretend that my favorite part of this episode wasn’t the previews with JDM. Because of JDM reasons.
This is where we really start:
Yes, John Winchester was born in Normal. Somewhere in an office on the Warner Brothers studio lot in Los Angeles, Jeremy Carver looks into his magical mirror and laughs and laughs.
Meanwhile, Grandpa Timey-Wimey creeps on bb!Sir because that’s apparently what you do on this show if you are a father figure, angel, or horny dog. I mean, he is wearing a trenchcoat, so the creeping part fits.
Grandpa Timey-Wimey heads down the Vancouver Alley #2 to a building with an Illuminati symbol on it. He does the secret knock he learned in Illuminati camp and the door opens. The hallway leads to BEYON…no, not Beyonce. It’s the Black Canary from Smallville! Hay gurl, hay! You’re so gorgeous, my face hurts.
I do have to say that Grandpa Timey-Wimey is adorable and has a perfect Winchester nose.
Suddenly, Lady Gag…no, not Lady Gaga, the Illuminati Camp counselor dude comes out and takes Black Canary and her lipstick in to get ~initiated~ (hmmm). Grandpa Timey-Wimey stays outside and contemplates what his wife is currently thinking about the fact that he’s out in the middle of the night with beautiful women, until he hears what is quite frankly an amazing bird call and a clear winning entry in the TSM contest.
Grandpa Timey-Wimey is like “ruh roh!” because he knows that there will be no one born until his first grandson who can compete with that TSM. He takes off running when he realizes his buddy has ebola.
He does some fancy spellwork with ingredients that I will rage about uncontrollably later, and then sigils himself out of Vancouver Alley #2 and right into the Winchester’s motel room of the week.
Dimples is like “yay, hot guy just fell out of our closet!” and Freckles is like “ah shit, I’m totally getting DP’ed tonight, aren’t I?”
Timey-Wimey asks for Sir instead, and I guess JDM is more his type, so your ass is safe tonight, Freckles!
He figures he’ll get a little manhandling in at the very least
And then hopefully use the power of Jensen Ackles Face™ to prove that his ass is just as good as JDM’s, thank you very much.
But ultimately, he is not comfortable with the normal canon amount of relative-touching.
Of course, the next step in a scenario like this (i.e. when a hot guy falls out of your closet) is of course: HANDCUFFS! I mean, kink bingo cannot be ignored, people.
I’m sure that Freckles had those handcuffs out and lying around for completely innocent reasons. I mean, thank god Timey-Wimey didn’t fall out of the closet ten minutes prior, amirite?
Anyway, Grandpa is totes Illuminati, which means that things like handcuffs and the Geneva Convention and governments of the world can’t hold him down. He leaves the boys handcuffed to each other (I’m sure they can think of something to pass the time) and then heads outside, where he is confused by modern things like a father taking care of his children.
He heads over to check out the nearest license plate, where he discovers that he traveled to 2013. The in-canon joke is this:
But the out-of-canon joke is this: CANON?? LOL CANON!
Two separate year long time jumps don’t count, people! It was night and now it’s day!
Someone doesn’t appreciate it.
I just want to know how that didn’t BREAK HIS ELBOW.
They take him back in to do the normal monster checks and he calls Freckles his “alpha male monkey friend”. Timey-Wimey should be writing these recaps because he sure has a way with the nicknames.
Freckles accidentally admits that they are the Spawn of JDM and Timey-Wimey is like “ORLY” and Dimples is like “moron.” Luckily, they are interrupted by Black Canary busting through the Stargate. She quickly reunites me with my real OTP: Dean/Wall
Freckles does manage to sneak up on her and gank her with Ruby’s knife but OOPS it totally doesn’t work because this is Jeremy Carver’s world and we just recap in it. The only thing left to do is run, bitch, ruuuuuun.
They take off in the car, but Black Canary is the new breed of demon baddie and does some kind of mind control-vision thing with the motel clerk via a real “blow job” (thanks for the label, Kat lol)
We get a lovely shot of the Impala driving under Vancouver Bridge #1, and it should be noted that this is the first episode directed by the long-time director of photography Serge Ladouceur.
Grandpa Timey-Wimey isn’t doing too well and has a bit of car sickness. While he’s throwing up, I notice that Dimples seems to have gotten both a haircut and a blowout.
Grandpa tells them that Black Canary is from hell and Freckles is like “been there, done that”
He tells them that he’s from 1958 and Freckles is like “Carver sure is running out of ideas, eh?” and Amen, brother.
Finally, they tell him that Sir is dead and poor Timey-Wimey is all sad. They want to know why he cares so much and he reveals that he is Grandpa Timey-Wimey. That inspires a couple of by-now-customary zoooooms.
They head over to the diner, because a milkshake always helps when your grandfather time travels from 1958 and falls out of your closet just in time for a kinky threesome.
Dimples insists that his story checks out and he is their grandfather, but Freckles then points out that he ditched Sir when he was a kid.
OK, guys, lets talk about retcon. Pretty much everyone has discussed at this point how references were made to Sir’s father in 4.3 when he was still played adorably by Matt Cohen’s Thighs. Also, he referenced himself as a “mechanic from a family of mechanics” not ” a mechanic from a family of Illuminati demon-fighting time travelers”. Please note that Jeremy Carver himself wrote that episode.
A full 24 hours after the episode, after being badgered by people asking the same thing as above, the guy who supposedly remembers stuff like this (from the CIA black-op prison) tweeted his fan-wank:
Since John was do young when Henry disappeared the man mom remarried could be considered Dad. Somebody blue collar
OK, that’s what most people fan-wanked and is a totally acceptable answer. BUT IT’S STILL FANWANK, even if it comes from someone connected to the show. The problem with things like this is that the show has become so fucking sloppy that it takes the audience badgering the creative people on Twitter in order to answer a simple question that could have easily been inserted via ONE LINE in the script itself (i.e. making it canon). If you want to retcon something, then go ahead and retcon it! But make sure you actually do it on-screen instead of in your fucking head.
Anyway, back to what is on-screen. Freckles says something interesting then about Sir “always being there” for them, and even someone like me, with my obvious JDM-influenced sympathies, knows that isn’t true. The reason I think it’s interesting and a bit dis-jointed, is that in recent years, Freckles is the one that has been harsh with the memory of his father, and dealing with the way they were treated by him growing up. Dimples, on the other hand, had seemingly made peace with his feelings about his father.
The dynamic here seems to flip back to their early ones and I’m torn by whether this is just Carver forgetting that Sera Gamble even existed, or if Freckles defending his father is a defense mechanism induced by being faced with someone who he considers to have done wrong to the man that was his hero for most of his life.
Meanwhile, Grandpa Timey-Wimey is like “omg my grandsons are handsome“
Grandpa starts in on the exposition for the reboot and goes on about all the stuff that they don’t know but will soon know for reboot reasons (because BOBBY’s Magical Library is still in Sheriff Sassy’s trunk) and tells them they totally suck because they don’t know anything about the Illuminati or even how many body thetans Xenu dropped to earth during the intergalactic war.
I am highly pleased that Dimples is still eating just a salad lol. You don’t get that gorgeous ripped body with protein, guys, c’mon!
Dimples tells Timey-Wimey that they are not Scientologis or Illuminati, and the hats that the Masons wear are pretty stupid, so they’re no good either. Gramps is not pleased to know that they are hunters i.e. “apes”
…and not “legacies”, whatever that means.
They drive four hours (they must be in Argentina by now!) to Vancouver Alley #1, where the Illuminati Camp HQ is now a comic book store. Blah-blah more exposition, and something something and Magic Library and something-Buffy-something, and reboot!
You know what I find hilarious? That literally the only thing Carver knows about S6 is the epic stylings of DJ SAM.
He shows them a box that Illuminati Camp Counselor gave him to protect before the ebola got him, but he doesn’t know what’s in it. I will give Jeremy Carver my hypothetical future illegitimate children with JDM if the SAMULET is in there.
Anyway, we get some ~wacky fish-out-of-water shenanigans that have been done a few hundred times with Sparks,
…before they finally decide to get the goth store clerk to let them use her laptop to google the other camp counselors.
I LOL when Freckles makes Dimples do the hard “looking up things on the internet” thing because he’s Research!Sammy and some episodes that’s his only role.
There is nothing Research!Sammy can’t find (I swear he probably looked up “how do you keep the devil out of your orifices?” at least twice) and they head to a graveyard to where at least one of the camp counselors is supposed to be buried.
Dimples is looking through Sir’s journal and finds references to “Knights of Hell”, which Timey-Wimey clarifies are the “first fallen, first demons.” Since we know that LILITH was the very first demon (because, you know, that was a big deal and all), I’m thinking that perhaps these were actually fallen ANGELS who were turned into demons, and that’s why they are impervious to demon-ganking methods.
I’m going to go out on a limb and place bets that FERGUS turns out to be one of them. It would explain how he knows Enochian, and how he was able to get as powerful as he can as supposedly ~young demon.
Timey-Wimey wants to look at the journal and Dimples is like “NO BIG!” while Freckles is like “GRRR”
Then they retcon Sir’s Journal into Grandpa Timey-Wimey’s, because why would the boys ever have wondered about the random initials on it, right? I mean, they didn’t even bother wondering about the super-strong-hand-picked-by-Lucifer-demon-knights that Sir doodled about, even during that whole Apocalypse thing.
Then Freckles gives Timey-Wimey the cliff notes version of all the bad shit that happened to his son, and he keeps up the defensive mode.
Part of me wonders if he’s talking about himself here a little bit. I think giving Sir redemption from the bad choices he made is something that Freckles feels he needs at this point to rid himself of some of his guilt issues. I don’t think he is as fatalistic (or suicidal) as he was, and part of his renewed hunting vigor post-purgatory is in part him trying to remind himself that he’s doing some good in the world to outweigh all the bad.
Grandpa answers him that it wasn’t his choice, and we all know how Freckles feels about free will and being able to make ones own choices (except Dimples, but Freckles has worked hard the last few episodes to let him make them and deal with them).
He takes off to earn a few bucks at the truck stop before bed.
I believe he’s saying that Grandpa Timey-Wimey took off like Jimmy Novak in the night, but I’m too busy looking at Jared Padalecki in a t-shirt and Freckles hugging his brother’s pillow to smell his musk.
So yeah, Grandpa Timey-Wimey is off to the local Spells R Us, but not before stealing some ingredients out of the trunk of the impala.
Angel feather. Angel FEATHER. A.N.G.E.L.F.E.A.T.H.E.R.
This is my completely calm text message exchange with my boyfriend about the introduction of literal angel feathers:
ME: ANGELS DON’T HAVE LITERAL FEATHERS!!
: It’s canon now, baby!
ME: FUCK YOU!!!!!
Where oh where are the magnificent angels of S4? Even Zach had some gravitas, and he was basically the biblical Michael Scott. Could you even imagine the scorn on Uriel’s face if he found out that Jeremy Carver has turned him into a down comforter?? We’ve had a lot of downgrades over the years (Bobby to Garth, Gordon to Benny, Ruby 1 to Ruby 2) but nothing is as offensive to me as the descent from Uriel to Saint Bob of Burger King.
And it doesn’t even make any sense!! Even if we take Sparks, the multidimensional wavelength of celestial intent, and assume that his true form somehow has feathers–it’s the size of the Chrysler Building!! And the whole point of an angel’s true form is that the human eye/brain can’t bear it (see: Barnes, Pamela), so how can there be a physical manifestation of any part of it?? It doesn’t make any sense! It’s stupid! And most importantly:
AMANDA TAPPING IS NOT A CHICKEN
And we’re back.
Freckles goes off to find Grandpa, while Dimples goes to interview the Camp Counselor that escaped ebola and stole some other dude’s identity. The establishing shot they use is from, like, S4 or something lol. Not even the same Doom Chops!
and everything is suddenly super clear.
Over to the comic store, where Grandpa Timey-Wimey is trying to get back to JDM. I mean, I don’t blame him. Freckles is like “What about me?? I CAN DO THIS!”
Grandpa is momentarily swayed, because that shit is impressive.
But ultimately, JDM wins out and Freckles has to bust out the big guns:
And Grandpa Timey-Wimey is like “LOL CANON”
Back to Dimples, who is like “yesterday was Tuesday, but today is Tuesday too!”
And Ebola Guy replies:
And then Dimples is like “It was night, but now it’s day!”
And Ebola Guy is all:
Back to the comic store, where Freckles gets a call from Black Canary via Dimples’ phone.
She wants to trade Dimples for Grandpa and the key (lock!) and Freckles does that “sigh, I’m gonna have to throw another less important family member under the bus for my soulmate again” face.
Speaking of poor Adam, could you imagine how hilarious it would have been if Timey-Wimey’s spell sent him to his next of kin in the Cage in hell? I mean, not that they would ever do that because we’re not supposed to remember that the poor boy exists, but still, hilarity.
Timey-Wimey is like “don’t trade me, I can be useful”
But Freckles is like “LOL, have you seen the size of his human penis?” and knocks Grandpappy out.
Later in the car, and Freckles explains that he can’t let his brother down because of Dean Winchester reasons.
*silent OTP squee*
Over to Vancouver Warehouse #2, where they do the trade. Black Canary doesn’t really let them leave because, duh, and then attempts a rather bloody version of soul-fisting. Not sure that’s how you’re supposed to do it, sis. It does let Timey-Wimey get close enough to get a head-shot in
Turns out that it was all a plan, and Freckles and Timey-Wimey carved a Devil’s Trap in the bullet. They don’t specify whose idea it was, but I prefer to think it was the same Smart!Dean who killed Teen Mom with the phoenix ash bite lol.
She’s really fucking hot. Did I mention that?
His next line is supposed to be all inspiring and shit but it just conjured terrifying images in my mind of pregnant elves popping up in the finale carrying an invite to the Maury Povich show.
Back to the cemetery, where they bury Grandpa. Dimples then sums up Carver’s version of Kripke’s Cupid storyline, and the uniting of the Winchesters and Campbells.
Proving that not only does Stalker!Carver have a spy-cam in my bedroom, it also seems like he has a nano-chip in my brain stem, because I tweeted this more than 30mins before Dimples said it:
So Cupid set up Brain (Winchester) and Brawn (Campbell) to create the vessel line
Freckles is unimpressed.
They have the key (lock!) and part of me is shocked that they didn’t throw it in the trunk and talk about having work to do.
Bring on the reboot!
So what do we think about the reboot? To me, this was a decent episode: it had some good acting and directing (rare this season, lets be honest), and it moved along at a good clip, plus Henry was great casting. But it was so full of (often times confusing) exposition (thanks Henry!) that the only way I was able to read it was as a sort of backdoor pilot. My boyfriend loves it, or at least the possibility of it. He is even warier than I am about this show, which somehow remains his favorite lol. It’s a weird thing, the emotional attachment we have to this show and these characters, isn’t it?
That’s perhaps why the retcon of John Winchester saddens me a bit. Because, really, part of the tragedy of John Winchester, maybe the biggest part, is the fact that he was quite literally a normal guy who was dragged through the fire and thrown into a world that he never expected, and eventually became his own sort of monster. No demon could destroy John’s family quite like John himself, and, because of that, they all paid a price.
John wasn’t special. John was a mechanic from a small town who went to war and made it through. He loved a girl, and then lost her. In a world where everyone (and their mother–hey Mary!) had Daddy Issues™, John didn’t. Cupid might have put them together because of their blood, but John’s eventual choices were all him, and the idea of a relatively well-adjusted guy making a really bad left turn is more interesting to me personally.
Carver knows this of course. The “Normal” birthplace is the writers winking at (mocking?) that fact. And, overall, it’s fine. Giving John daddy issues makes him more sympathetic ultimately. It adds a new layer to why he reacted so strongly to Sam leaving for college (i.e. “abandoning his family”). And perhaps Sam’s Ivy League ambitions touched a chord in John that reacted badly to Henry’s more learned and higher-class academic leanings. But does it make him more interesting of a character? To me, not really.
But lets be honest–this show hasn’t been about normal guys drawn into a funky world since Kripke introduced God and the devil and fanfiction Gospels. Or when they turned a funny prankster villain into a emo archangel with (shocker!) daddy issues. Or, frankly, since an angel walked through the door and blew out the lights. So it’s hard to blame Carver (bastard) for rebooting his way into another two seasons.
At least this reboot is connected to family instead of peripherals. And it’s a good way to give Sam a believable interest again in hunting, for him to find a purpose in the post-Keebler world. I, for one, am interested in where they are going and will give it a shot.
OK full disclosure: I admit that I’m actually okay because now I’m imagining Man of Letters John to look like this:
True Blood Drawl Scale: Ru-what now? +100,000
Purgatory Monster Gank-o-Meter: ANGELS FEATHERS -100trillion
Tarzan!Sam Hair Watch: haircut +5000, blowout -5000
Wincestosity: OTP SHUT UP +10trillion
Screencaps by Home of the Nutty
Banner by Heather