If the last episode was Jensen Ackles Objectification Week then this week is….Jensen Ackles Objectification Week Part Two: This Time Without Clothing. WAIT, NO! But, really though, this episode is where we learn the consequences of being so hot that Amazon warrior chicks want to steal your sperm for nefarious purposes.
We open up on a douchey-looking guy in an apartment that would probably cost $4300 a month if it was in Manhattan, and the unlocked door suddenly opens. I’m crying foul right here, because no one with a TV this large would keep their doors unlocked.
The intruder comes in and ganks the dude, giving us some pretty impressive Edlundian Gore Splatter. Nice job, intruder! Best part is that (after chopping off the hands and feet of douchey guy) the killer carves a symbol in his chest that looks close enough to a TENTACLE PENIS for me to count it in my calculations at the end of the recap.YAY ME!
Off to the NotPala 2.0, and the world must be backwards because Dimples is driving. I think Freckles is so disgusted by the lack of The Most Important Object in the Universe at this point, that he’s just boycotting.
Freckles is asleep but Dimples gives him incentive to wake up:
Freckles whips out BOBBY’s flask, because he loves the smell of whiskey and old people. Dimples is mad that Freckles seems to have stopped using the flask that he gave him for Freckles’ last birthday that had “Here you go, you miserable drunk bastard, stop drinking out of a paper bag like a fucking hobo. Jerk. xoxo Sammy” engraved on it.
Dimples is momentarily distracted by his brother’s sucking technique:
The medical examiner dude, who has an adorable little Clark Kent curl going on, tells them that douchey guy took a chunk out of Awesome Tentacle Intruder and the DNA was…..not human. DUN! You would think this would make Freckles stop being an asshole about the case being supernatural, but he continues to bitch. WHY?
Freckles decides to take off to a bar and we get a hilarious progression of Sam-faces in response.
Freckles heads off to an utterly cheesy lounge that Dean Winchester would never willingly walk into. He hooks up with some chick from the Vampire Diaries, which is vaguely depressing.Why didn’t they use Amanda Tapping’s Daughter for this episode instead of wasting her on that lame bartender role? BLAH!
I can’t really concentrate on much that is happening because the director is doing weird cross-cut close-ups on their eyes and mouths and it’s terribly distracting. Although I do appreciate a little eye crinkle action:
One random note: Freckles says that he speaks enough Japanese to get by…HUH? Was this a shout-out to “Changing Channels” where he somehow knew how to answer the Japanese game show question in Japanese? Of course, that never made any sense anyway, but I’m thinking too hard about this, I suspect lol.
She’s working a Crazy Eyed Sid expression right here lol:
And then they go back and have sex, cross-cut with some other douchey guy getting ganked in the most bloody of ways. I know you horny bitches don’t care about any of that, so check out the edit of the ~important stuff done by the lovely and talented maichan808
I know exactly what you guys look like right now at this point in the recap:
One again we learn, as Cassie and Titanic Angel Sex and Orange-Crush-Soft-Focus-Vanilla will attest to, that Dean Winchester is the bottomiest bottom who ever bottomed lol. Dimples is off somewhere a) writhing in jealousy and b) nodding his head snarkily and going “told you so”
Can we talk about how trim Jensen’s gotten? He’s practically back to what he looked like on Dark Angel:
Best part of this entire thing is what Kat labeled “Eeek boobs!” LOLOL
Back to case talk and Freckles so tactfully points out that their expert is dead. But his Magical Library lives on, guys!
I’m conflicted by Dimples’ hair in this episode. I mean, on one hand–it’s Dimples’ hair aka my Arch Nemesis. On the other hand, the Doom Chops seem trimmed a bit and it looks clean. Baby steps!
Gratuitous Lulzy Screencap:
Then we pan down and see that she’s….PREGNANT! And also staring with evil glee out the window.
Soooo, remember that little discussion we had a few weeks ago about all the possible STDs that Freckles has? So if something got through to make a baby…praying for you now, gurl! Maybe Sparks healed him of all the bad shit while he fixed The Perfect Face™ up at the end of season five, hmm? Until confirmation of that, and for the purposes of this recap, we shall dub her ChlaLydia.
Oh yeah, did I mention she’s pregnant?
We skip to the next scene, where she is already giving birth. I mean, the continuity department on this show sucks–you know, how they forget they skipped a year and shit–but this is some wacky stuff guys.
The worst part is that there are a bunch of hippy chicks surrounding her with candles and stuff, and you know they didn’t give her an epidural. I’d be yelling “give me drugs, you hippies!” at the top of my lungs, but that’s just me.
New TSM applicant:
Back to the boys, who need to find another expert since it seems Sheriff Sassy is not currently driving around in the rain with a trunk full of magical library books. They head to the local university and show a picture of the Tentacle Penis to a conveniently knowledgeable anthro professor played by the Mayor from Buffy.
Freckles tries to sweet talk him for info, but the Mayor wants cash.
The Mayor asks for a green card for his maid, and that’s about when the boys get out of there lol. Freckles is acting all whiny because BOBBY is dead, you know, and Dimples gets all srs biz on him in the hallway. More importantly, Jared is sucking on the…cherry lollipops again.
PROOF SERA GAMBLE READS MY RECAPS:
LOL this is giving me flashbacks to Orange Crush’s first episode, where dumbass Freckles shows up at her door all nonchalant like “sup, one night stand?” And, lo and behold, said one night stand also has a mystery kid. Redundancy–you’re doing it right!
Freckles’ phone rings and it is pretty adorable that he excuses himself from Creepy Monster Baby to go take the call. It’s Dimples’ of course, who is still not terribly happy with Freckles’ wasting time at ChlaLydia’s house.
Suddenly, Freckles overhears Creepy Monster Baby talking to her mother and hangs up on Dimples to spy a bit. Dimples takes off in a huff to head to the morgue to talk to Faux-Clark Kent and some detective check who will surely be ~evil because this is the Evol Womyns episode. She blows him off and Dimples is like “mmmkay”
Dimples tries the puppy eyes on Clark:
In the meantime, however, he does find a receipt for the cheesy lounge that Freckles picked up ChlaLydia in. Turns out the other victim also picked up a woman there right before he died. Dimples slowly starts to figure it out…or it could just be gas. Not sure.
He calls Freckles, is who being a creeper and staking out ChlaLydia’s house. Dimples is NOT happy to find him still hanging out there and even is like “jeaaaaaalouuuuuuuuuussssss”.
Freckles is like:
Dimples starts to tell Freckles about how the victims picked up girls in the cheesy lounge, but then the Evol Womyns come out of ChlaLydia’s house carrying this awesome hot pink suitcase that I desperately need:
…and Freckles is entranced.
He follows them (in such an unsubtle manner that I LOL’ed) to some abandoned building looking place. The Evol Womyns–who you know are evol because they are all wearing pantsuits–take the in-need-of-a-hair-brush Creepy Monster Child inside, and Freckles takes off back to the motel.
Freckles is trying to convince Dimples that the sudden appearance of Creepy Monster Baby-Child is suspicious.
And now Dimples is fighting the ~weirdness. WHY? I didn’t understand it with Freckles on the case in the beginning, and really, they have seen some hinky shit, why would Monster Baby be that odd? And technically Freckles was Personalityless Emo Pre-Teen’s quasi-dad for a year (and helped out with Orange Crush’s baby neice) so he’s not totally clueless about children at this point.
Meanwhile, THIS is happening:
Over to the Evol Pantsuits, who are holding some creepy cannibal ceremony for a line of Creepy All-White Children. Creepy Monster Child has seemingly grown a few years in the past five minutes, and is now doing her best impersonation of Blonde bb!Lilith:
The Mayor tells them the symbol is a representation of an ancient goddess named Harmonia or some shit and she spawned Amazons and Freckles is like “WONDER WOMAN??” and now I’m picturing little bbFreckles, secretly watching Lynda Carter and pretending he has a golden lasso and hiding in the locked motel bathroom and just hoping that Sir won’t walk in when he’s trying to spin and turn into her.
The Mayor says the Amazons thought the mens totes sucked and were only good for their baby-making and then after the Evol Womyns got the sperm, they ganked the mens. OH NOES!
Over to the lady detective, who of course turns out to be evol. We already knew this though, because she’s wearing a PANTSUIT.
Back at the motel, where they’ve spread the entirety of the Magical Library out on the bed. All I can think about is a quick shot of the bathroom behind Freckles, which is so dirty that I might burst into tears right here and now.
Dimples finds all the info they need on this obscure site called “Google” and they discover that the Evol Amazon Womyns would steal sperm and then procreate super fast. You know, like being pregnant after a one night stand in a cheesy lounge.
The Evol Pantsuit Leader cackles in evol glee:
Back to the motel, where Dimples is wondering why ChlaLydia would go with Freckles. Um, dude, have you SEEN him? OK, so maybe she thought he was a rich, investment banker, but if I need some quick sperm, I’d be all about Jensen Ackles, if you know what I’m saying (that sounded better in my head)
and then he gets all emotional and comes over and gets in Freckles’ face and Dimples is just so big and yummy and Freckles has to tip his head back to talk to him
and stare at his mouth the whole time
So, anyway, they check out the paper that the wind/ghost moved and it turns out to be something in Greek. Dudes, I live in Astoria, I can walk outside my apartment and get that translated for you. Dimples decides to go show it to the Mayor and tells Freckles to stay there. ARE THEY STUPID? (don’t answer that) What part of the case–where men alone at home get their hands and feet cut off by their monster daughters–makes you think that Freckles NOT going with Dimples is the best course of action?
Dimples heads over and barges into the Mayor’s (and his sweater vest’s) office, demanding he translate.
Back at the hotel Freckles is watching Tentacle porn (I kid, I kid…I think). He hears a knock and (stupidly) answers the door to Creepy Monster Teen, who is all:
I do have to say that it’s also fantastic that Creepy Monster Teen Winchester is being played by Missy Bender, one of the original Evol SPN Kids!
Creepy Monster Teen starts in on her sob story about how the Evol Pantsuits are trying to brainwash her and branded her with a Tentacle Penis. She utilizes her Uncle Sammy’s best shiny puppy eyes and Freckles wobbles pitifully.
Then she shows off the real family resemblance:
He lets her into the motel room, and I think it’s due solely to the awesome hot pink suitcase. She gives him the “I just wanna be normal speech” and damn, she’s good! Hit the man right where it hurts.
Back to the Mayor, who translates the Greek and tells Dimples what we already know–that the Creepy All-White Monster Children need to kill their cheesy-lounge-going fathers. Dimples runs to go call Freckles, but is attacked by Detective Evol Pantsuit instead.
Back to the motel, where Freckles stupidly turns his back on Creepy Monster Teen. It’s alright though, because it allows us to get this gif, which Kat titled “Dat Ass” (and what nice popping phallus imagery we have there!)
We get cross-cuts of Dimples rushing frantically back to the motel (it would have been kind of hilarious if he got there and Freckles really was just chillin’ there watching Tentacle porn) and Creepy Monster Teen taunting daddy dearest as he looks all woobie and gorgeous.
They head off to find the Evol Pantsuits and…did they just leave Creepy Monster Teen’s body there? Or did they hide it with the corpses of Crazy Eyed Sid and Dr. Matt?
Back in the NotPala and fortunately for us, Freckles doesn’t seem that beat up about the Monster kid dying thing. Dimples however, is pissed because he thinks that Freckles was going to let Creepy Monster Teen go but ganked ol’ Dr. Foxy (sledgehammer alert!). Then he tries to tell Freckles that the kid wasn’t really his, but Freckles is all “of course she was–did you see those lips?”
Dimples is all “you suck, woobie!” and Freckles is all “Oh yeah? How’s Luci doing?”
Or something like that.
Freckles is like “yeah, whatever, no big.”
Well, that was rather pointless, right? I mean, I know we are supposed to take the ending as some reverse version of the (terribly boring at this point) Dr. Foxy storyline, but they aren’t really comparable. And what is the point of it? What does it tell us about these characters right now, at this point in the timeline? The only thing that I can think of is that we are supposed to get that Sam doesn’t trust Dean. I sense a serious breakdown coming for Sam soon, and considering the fact that his “stone number one” (sob) doesn’t seem to be very sturdy anymore, it makes sense that it’ll come sooner rather than later.
I was kind of annoyed that Sam’s speech at the end was just a mild variation on the “boo hoo, suck it” mantra that we’ve seen thrown at Dean all season. It’s always “I don’t care how you deal, just deal” instead of “how can I help you figure out how to deal?” This isn’t a one-sided thing here, because obviously Sam is dealing with more than his own shit and Dean isn’t helping matters. I’m just longing for what the second episode promised–that there was going to be way for them to finally help each other, well, deal.
GHOST BOBBY? Seriously, Sera Gamble, just stop that.
Most important thing that happened this week:
90-Proof Scale of Drunkenness: Old person flask +10,000
Ackles Aging-Like-Fine-Wine Hotness Scale: So hot that ancient beings stole his sperm +500,000
Releasing the Kraken Tentacle Watch: TENTACLE PENIS +10million
Wincestosity: Jealous!Dimples +100,000
Gifs by fiercelynormal and tumblr
Screencaps by Home of the Nutty