On August 16, 1977 a true American music icon passed from this world into the next, a tragic victim of too much fame, too many fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches, and waaay too many pain killers. But his legacy as the man who revolutionized popular music and brought pelvic thrusting and rhinestone jumpsuits into our national consciousness lives on. Every time we listen to his classic music, watch him get the girl in mediocre movies, see his lookalike daughter Lisa Marie or his terrible plastic surgery laden ex wife Priscilla in a magazine, we are reminded that legends never truly die…..they simply start working at truck stops in Amarillo, Texas under assumed identities.
OR DO THEY?
Maybe they do die (sorry Weekly World News but I am calling your bluff!) but their spirits are too strong, too forceful to truly leave this realm, so they end up hopping a ride on the new baby express back to Earth-ville. That’s right…I am talking REINCARNATION motha fuckers!!!
Step behind the cut to explore the ultimate–and totally true–theory that Scotty McCreery is the reincarnation to Elvis Presley and that all other reincarnates need to GTFO!!
Scotty McCreery. The teenage country sensation with the deep voice that wooed an entire nation with his feel good brand of good ole boy schtick. While he seems like he is an entirely new figure in music–and if you are under a certain age and your only musical knowledge consists of Katy Perry then there would be no reason for you to find anything amiss–if one looks close enough then one can see the surprising but not entirely shocking secret that looms under the surface.
SCOTTY MCCREERY IS ELVIS REINCARNATED.
Let’s break down the facts shall we?
12 REASONS WHY SCOTTY MCCREERY IS ELVIS PRESLEY REINCARNATED.
1.) Physical similarities. Let’s address the most obvious giveaway. The pouty lips, the smoldering eyes, the glorious pompadour of hair. Once you see the striking resemblance you cannot unsee it. It’s like Elvis starred in some sort of freaky mpreg fanfic and popped out a little mini me!
2.) It’s like he tried to tell us from the beginning! Scotty is a big fan of Elvis. Because he IS Elvis. Duh. It’s a little narcissistic but hey, it’s Hollywood!
3.) Name numerology knows all! Elvis Aaron Presley. Scotty Cooke McCreery. Both have middle names with the EXACT amount of letters in them. Woah! Freaky! And seeing as how Scotty’s first name is actually Scott, that means they actually have the same amount of letters in their first name as well! MIND. BLOWN.
4.) Southern gentlemen. Elvis was born in Tupelo, Mississippi and lived in Memphis, Tennessee as a child. Scotty is from Garner, North Carolina (Edit: Well whataya know, it’s not South Carolina! Wikipedia does not know all!). Now I don’t know geography for shit but I do know that these are southern states and therefore this is irrefutable proof that some sort of reincarnation has taken place.
5.) Twin powers activate! Elvis was noted to have a twin brother who was stillborn, while it is widely rumored that Scotty ATE his own twin in the womb!
6.) Thank you Grilled Cheesus! Elvis was known to be a religious man, and despite his devilish hip wiggling he was a good ole southern Christian. In fact his only Grammy wins were for his gospel recordings. The album ‘He Touched Me’ won a Grammy in 1972 for Best Inspirational Performance.
Scotty is no stranger to religion either. He famously name checked both Jesus AND God in his 2011 Idol performance of ‘The Day The World Stopped Turning’ and I am pretty sure ‘He Touched Me’ will be the title of a chapter in his 2040 autobiography that finally addresses the blatant sexual tension with Ryan Seacrest.
7.) DNA is A-Okay! While Elvis’ ethnicity was mainly Caucasian, he was known to have Cherokee ancesty on his Mother’s side, going generations back to her great-great grandmother. Scotty is also Caucasian, but he too has some FLAVA in his genes and not that kind of flava you sick perverts! Don’t make me call Chris Hansen on you! No, he is a quarterican! His grandmother is from Puerto Rico! A nice southern boy who loves Jesus AND can make an amazing arroz con frijoles!?!?! Sign me up!
8.) Facial tics-tock on the clock but the party don’t stop! Elvis was known for many things, but one of his most iconic characteristics was his LIP SNARL. Often imitated but never duplicated by everyone from Vegas impersonators to 80′s punk Billy Idol, the quirky snarl of his upper lip was a uniquely Elvissian facial tic. Imagine my surprise when I saw young Scotty perform such a lip snarl as if it was second nature to him. As if he was ~ born that way.
And speaking of unique facial tics, Scotty has also shown us that he is the master of his own signature brand of facial tic-ery, something that is intrinsically Elvissian in case you forget~ eyebrow wiggling. A gentle, pensive quirk here to punctuate a poignant lyric, a spastic wiggle there to get the crowd ready to party, or a seldom seen DOUBLE wiggle that leaves everyone asking ~ Oh my God! What does this mean? It’s so intense!
9.) Does this rhinestone jumpsuit make me look fat? Part of Elvis’ eternal appeal lies not only in his movie idol good looks or his powerful singing voice or stage presence, but in his trendsetting fashion choices. From the early days of pegged pants and zoot suits that signified he wasn’t afraid to embrace African American style, to his sexy full leather suits that signified his comeback, to his later day Las Vegas stretchy jumpsuit phase that signified he ate at the buffet before the show, he was always one to make a mark on pop culture with his clothes and spawn legions of imitators. Scotty is certainly no different with his own unique fashion choices. Erm, ok well maybe Scotty wears mostly t-shirts and PLAID but he has worn a black leather jacket before and frankly that is more than enough evidence to support my theory.
10.) Inappropriate Sexuality. Back in the prudish 1950′s–back when children came from storks and couples pushing their single beds together was strictly forbidden and punishable by death–Elvis was the pied piper of the sexual revolution, one that would not fully blossom until the 1960′s. With his wanton good looks and suggestive gyrations, Elvis scandalized the United Godly States of America and was responsible for the spontaneous impregnation of over half the country’s female populace.
Scotty also possesses Elvis’ sexual je ne sais quoi. A sexuality that is as inappropriate as Elvis’ was back in the day, if simply for the fact that he is barely legal. Tres scandalous!
From the way he flitters around the stage, his teenage hips swaying to and fro in wild abandon, to the way he tenderly fingers his microphone like he was gently caressing the skin of his lover, to the way his crazy eyebrows beckon you to meet him up in the hay loft where he will make sweet, sweet love to you and probably violently murder you as well. His milkshake brings all the girls…
…and American Idol hosts to the yard.
11.)Music makes the world go round. Arguably Elvis’ biggest contribution to the world was his music. ‘Hound Dog’ and ‘Jailhouse Rock’ and ‘Blue Suede Shoes’ helped to usher in a new era of music and rebellion. This wasn’t your father’s music! This was rock and roll baby! It is estimated that Elvis sold over one billion albums over his lifetime and had the record for most singles ever to hit the Billboard Hot 100 chart….erm until Rachel Berry ran over that record with the McKinley high Glee-Club-auto-tuned-bus-of-terrible-plot-continuity-and-super-gay-toothlessness.
But Scotty is no slouch in that department either! His memorable Idol performances have generated TENS of itunes downloads and he has used music to spread awareness about “locking them doors” and “turning the lights down low” in an effort to both curb home invasions AND save the environment from excessive energy use! Amazing!
12.) The Cult of Personality. Last but not least let’s explore the most important aspect of Elvis and Scotty’s reincarnation fodder. Ever since Elvis drew his last breath on that toilet oh so long ago,the distant strains of the ‘Saturday Night Fever’ soundtrack playing on his AM radio in the next room, certain segments of his fan base have outright REFUSED to believe that he is gone. They believe he mops floors in a Greyhound bus station in Scranton or drives cabs in Newark or is working at Area 51 on how to prevent the Electric automobile from ever truly gaining dominance with those NASA guys who faked the moon landing and ‘The X-Files’ Smoking Man. They pilgrimage to Graceland and buy ridiculous chachtkis on Ebay that have his likeness and movie marathon every single ridiculous piece of crap film that the Colonel forced him to make.
THAT MY FRIENDS IS A DEDICATED FAN BASE.
And Scotty has shown us that he too possesses his original spirit’s ability to form an almost cult like fan base. He has NEVER been in the bottom two on Idol my friends. NEVER (at least as of when this was written). No matter what he does, what he sings, how ridiculous his FACE looks while performing, he comes off shining like a new diamond. His fanbase is extensive as well, spanning across many desirable demos. It includes but is not limited to:
Country fans, people with deep voices, gingers, people with eyebrow wiggling disorders, Jesus lovers, God lovers, Josh Turner fans, people who think microphones should be held like sub sandwiches, baseball fans, children, tweens, Moms, Grandmothers,Great Grandmothers, Great Great Grandmothers, Grandfathers, USA lovers, people who like to swing on porch swings, grocery store clerks, Republicans, people who read Mad Magazine, and so on and so forth…
And these are the people who will be buying Scotty songs and memorabilia and lighting candles outside of his trailer on the anniversary of his death many, many years from now.
So in conclusion: So you see my friends, when you carefully dissect THE FACTS it is easy to see that there is truly only ONE heir to the Elvis reincarnation throne, and no it is not that glam boy that shall not be named, but the sweet little country ginge who moves all us with his passion for music, his love of God and country, and soothes us all into deep, deep comas of boredom and contentment with his melodic baritone crooning.