Ok, well that happened! LOL I have to warn you that this will probably be my worst recap ever because it’s really hard to make sarcastic humor more…well…sarcastically humorous. That being said, the amount of sheer giffage in this will hopefully make up for anything lacking. Oh and this as well:
was at home sick with the flu, so no commentary from him this time. It’s a good thing though, because he hates You-Know-Who with a fiery demonic passion and would probably have turned off the TV and went to go play Plants Vs. Zombies the minute she walked on LOL. Anyway, bring on the comedy!
So I see my darling Meg Masters in the previouslies and get irrationally excited. Could a spoiler have gotten past me??? Is it possible? Alas. Ah fuck, season four flashbacks. I’m mentally preparing myself for the trauma I’m sure to feel LOL.
We open up on a dark and stormy night at BOBBY’s house. He’s gone into town to get some “hunter’s helper” and the boys are left behind to ~research. Luckily, before we can get too bored BICYCLE appears! He starts into a spiel about “The Godfather” as looks dapper in his normal outfit. He starts whipping up some sort of concoction and in a moment of sheer bliss for me, grabs the box of EPIC SALT.
If I run towards and then away from the TV very quickly, it’s almost like it’s zooming at me! Freckles is sad because he tried to get Bicycle’s attention and our hedonist angel ignored him. He tries one more time, voice lower this time. Bicycle throws him a bone.
He raids BOBBY’s house of supernatural horrors as he continues on his rant. Looks like the SassyGayArchAngel is after him, ruh-roh! Even his doucheneck suffered:
Luckily, the velveteen blazer remains unscathed. We get a flash of light, which means angels are a’coming and just as Bicycle gets thrown across the room he sends the boys hurtling through the window he marked up with the contents of his spell.
….right onto a soundstage full of impressed crew members.
The stuntmaster gets in a freebie, because there is not an older, slightly skeevy man alive that can resist the lure of fondling and/or looming over Dean Winchester.
The boys are confused as hell and assess the scene:
Meanwhile, our director BOB SINGER (c’mon, you knew he was going to get honorary OLD CAPS membership) is conferring with who I’m assuming is supposed to be Serge Ladouceur, the erstwhile and stylishly French Canadian director of photography. And YES, the fact that I got every single reference and in-joke in this entire episode makes me fear for my own sanity LOL.
They confer as this pops up on our screen:
Meanwhile, the boys discover over things that aren’t real (oh STOP, I kid, I kid)
The long-suffering assistant director suggests cutting out the scene were they “sit on the impala and talk about their feelings” and BOB says only if he wants to “answer the hate mail.” OK GUYS, seriously, how do I recap this? The whole thing is a collection of super fast and funny lines. I’m close to saying fuck it and just spamming a string a gifs, so prepare LOL.
Long-Suffering suggests a freeze frame and BOB goes along with it because it’s “season six.” He calls cut and the boys get separated when a perky reporter takes “Jared” off for an interview and a dastardly makeup lady take “Jensen” off to do whatever dastardly makeup ladies do.
Dimples comes back and explains that they are on the set of a TV show (that not many people watch, per the interviewer lol) and they are named Jensen Ackles and “something called a Jared Padalecki”
Awwwww Polish jokes! I like to think they threw that one in there just for Loghorea, although she’s going to have to pretend that Freckles said it without scorn. They head outside and I notice the “KM Studios” which makes me choked up a bit since it’s obviously a tribute to Kim Manners.
They see the Most Important Object in the Universe and Freckles is filled with glee that his “baby made it” until he sees the seven other most important objects in the universe right next to it.
They continue their way through the lot and we get this episode’s Edlund-speciality rapey joke.
They decide to put a prayer in to Sparks, which is always awkward, and then spot him in the parking lot.
They run over to him and demand to know what Bicycle did to them. Sparks gets a super srs biz look on his face and then starts speaking in the most batman-y of all batman voices.
It kind of sounds like the guy who does the announcing in movie trailers LOL. Misha always has a career backup if this whole acting thing falls through! Anyway, he explains that Bicycle sent them into a parallel universe to hide them from SassyGayArchAngel’s minions. He gets the key that Bicycle shoved into Dimples’ pocket and tells them that it opens the room containing every weapon stolen from Heaven. In other words, all the good shit. Freckles seems suprised he would give something so important to morons like them, but Sparks confirms it. Dimples tries to be proactive.
Suddenly Sparks’ voice goes up about eight octaves and he starts paging through the script he’s been working off of.
The boys soon realize that this is nothing but a squeaky voiced imposter who looks nothing at all like the Chryler Building!
They scorn him and take off as Freckles throws in a few insults for good luck.
I want just one person to call them Jenny Doll and Jare Bear, just one! Not you Kat, you don’t count.
Meanwhile, AU!Misha (unlike my delightful co-host of last week) turns out to be a rather hilarious dork who just wants to belong.
Best part? Real!Misha tweeted the exact same time as AU!Misha. The fourth wall is cruuuuuuuuuussshhhiiiiing meeeeeeeeeeee!
And yes, he called them J-squared. Like together. You mean together-together?
Freckles’ spots “fake me’s” trailer, which contains a 300 gallon fish tank, a helicopter, and some dog figurines which will make no one but Kat laugh because she’s the only one that will understand why I’m bringing it up. MOVING ON.
Lots of mockery in this scene and all of it makes me laugh. I wish I had something more to say about it but let’s just go to the gifs LOL
LMAO I feel psychic on that one since I used an Eric Brady gif like 2 recaps ago! Really though, was there a prettier twink than Jensen Ackles at 20? He makes Disney princesses look like Cameron Diaz.
Hmmm so ~Jensen sits in his trailer and watches clips of himself and Jared. GEE I WONDER WHAT HE DOES WHILE HE WATCHES.
Luckily Freckles is super smart and remembered to watch how Bicycle created the spell. They head back to the set to try and recreate it, but find that everything is, indeed, fake.
BOB and Long Suffering AD are just happy that they “are talking”….seems our AU!J2 are riddled with such intense UST that they can barely stand to be in the room together and have to go back to their trailers to…play with their dog figurines.
They try to book it out of there with the impala, but she is of course fake as well. Some poor PA tries to stop them before he gets terrorized by BOB.
Since they can’t drive themselves they have to reply on Fake!Clif. OK guys, if you don’t know who “Clif” is….well, remember how we talked about “normal people”? Not knowing who Clif is makes you one of them. Embrace it, revel in it, live it. Normalcy is good for your soul, kids. Let’s just say that Fake!Clif is way more attractive and has a hell of a lot more hair.
“Jensen” decides to get dropped off at “Jared’s” house and that earns an eyebrow squiggle from Attractive!Clif. And people wonder where he gets all his ammo for his hostage videos! Back seat baby, back seat. Freckles is too disturbed that they are in CANADA to realize he’s about to be chained to a radiator in Clif’s basement.
They get dropped off at the Padalecki Mansion, where there is a tanning bed in the foyer. Dimples is like “what am I, Dracula?” and Freckles is like “George Hamilton Dracula” and I can’t be the only one that screamed “The Gay Blade!” at the TV (anyone? Kat?)
Freckles of course heads straight for the bar, until he peeks out into the back yard and sees what he believes is Bicycle’s camel (remember him? so lonely without Sparks).
Number One: BEST.LINE.EVER.
Number Three: WHY IS DEAN NOT TRYING TO STAB HER?
OK so, here’s the thing. You all know how I feel about season four in general, and Ruby: Version Kat Just Slit Her Wrists in particular. It’s safe to say that she was without a doubt the worst actor/actress to grace the Vancouver soundstage and I thought that way before I knew what a Jared Padalecki even was. I know it’s not PC to say this nowadays, but fuck it. Her face always looks like a variation on this:
And the line readings. Oh how they burn. Imagine if Ruby 2.0 had been played by my darling Beautiful Demon Princess Casey. Stop and picture it for a second. Season four gets much better, doesn’t it? Oh yes, yes it does. Srsly, I would be writing Ruby porn right now if this was so.
OK, OK, enough about this. “Gen” is confused about why “Jensen” is at the house, considering they usually use their trailers to get togeth…..I mean, they hate each other. Freckles tries to work out who she is and realizes that “Jared” married “fake!Ruby” (Katie Cassidy is at home somewhere nodding knowingly).
Let’s forget about how tacky using a real wedding picture is and concentrate on the star of this scene:
Freckles assures her that now that he knows about the Padalpaca he’ll come around much more (mmhmm, I’m not saying anything *cough*kinkmeme*cough*)
With that, she heads off to the “International Otter Adoption Charity Dinner” with some serious kissy noises and a flash of her white bra against her Crossroads demon black dress (really costume people, really?) Dean…Jensen….oh god, whoever, can’t watch.
Well at least the artwork was fun!
Speaking of artwork, we head to “Jared’s” study….
LMAO, needs moar:
They use up all of “Jared’s” credit line buying obscure ingredients for the spell and have a grand ol’ time doing it. Highlights include Dimples using his one year of college Spanish again and some good old fashioned eye crinkles.
Freckles decides to sleep on the couch….because I guess the Padalecki Mansion doesn’t have a guest room or 12.
Mrs. Padalecki is back from the Otter dinner and Dimples grills her a bit on all the apocalyptic shit that went down pre-cage dive. Of course none of it happened and she tells him he’s working too hard. With a super obvious flash of her real life wedding/engagement ring (shit is huge, srsly) she leads Dimples upstairs.
OK no, just no. Let’s stop for a moment. I know that Ben Edlund, as good as he is (I’ll be forever in his debt for The End, On the Head of a Pin, and I’m Batman/I Lost My Shoe) is notorious for writing waaaaaaay out of character stuff for a cheap laugh or gimmick (see: the fairy episode and the horrendous monstrosity that was the Brady retcon). If we are supposed to assume that Dimples had sex with Gen, then this is another one of those times. First of all, after all of the angst caused by Robo!Sam’s indiscrimate actions in the past few weeks, do we really think that REAL SAM would have sex with someone else’s wife without her even knowing who he is, hence not being able to consent to it? Secondly, where are the emotions from Dimples about this person who looks exactly like the demon who manipulated him, ruined his life, destroyed his relationship with his only family member, and helped him, oh yeah, START THE APOCALYPSE? Yes, she’s not ~Ruby, but shouldn’t there be some kind of visceral reaction/struggle? I mean, think about it, how would Freckles react if this guy came up to him and was like “Hey, I’m Christopher!”
I doubt there would be cuddling.
OK rant over. She does have the best hair. And Dimples’ face is hilarious.
Next morning Attractive!Clif takes the boys to an airstrip to pick up all the illicit shit they charge to poor Jared’s credit card. He asks if they are doing anything illegal but let’s it go regardless. More blackmail material the better, amirite? They head to the set and Freckles tries to get BOB to “clear the set” for a hour or so.
BOB basically tells him they should go to their trailers if they want to do “actor stuff” (code!). Meanwhile, Dimples and the box of goodies is hanging out over with a curious Misha. Freckles comes over to tell him that they are going to have to actually film a scene. Yes, they have to act.
OK putting aside for a minute the fact that they basically *are* actors and pretend to be other people (FBI agents, teddy bear doctors, etc) on a daily basis……THIS NEXT SCENE IS THE FUNNIEST THING EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THIS SHOW. There is so much second hand embarrassment, but I literally CRIED during the entire part. Funnier than “I’m Batman” or “well I say….Jackpot” or the slowdancing alien. I can’t even recap this shit, so prepare for a gif spam.
Without a doubt, the absolute funniest part was this:
Runners up include BOB’s face:
And Freckles’ voice, which sounds like Christian Bale got stabbed in the throat with a icepick covered in arsenic.
Serge sums it up best for us:
The boys go back to their chairs, where Misha is waiting to get some good ammo for the joint J2 tell-all he’s co-writing with Clif:
Freckles sits there, unhappy with his motivation in that last scene.
They split and Misha takes the time to send a message to his Mishamigos
And yes, Our!Misha tweeted it as well:
Interactive fandom fun, weee!
The boys start putting together the spell as BOB gets on the phone with our dear Sera (played by, yes, dear Sera. Finally, someone with worse line readings than Padalpaca’s mom!) BOB tells her where the terror level stands (FYI, we’re at orange) and although the boys are actually talking to each other (Sera wonders why that’s not a good thing) BOB points out that “Jensen is living at Jared’s house!” (Misha and Clif just added a new chapter to their book) and they seemed to have lost any and all talent they might have had. Also, they might be dealing in black market organs, you know. No big!
They crash through the window and still end up on set, so they go back to Jensen’s trailer to figure out what went wrong. Dimples theorizes that there is no supernatural elements whatsoever in this universe, including magic or angel mojo. He also says he was up all night looking this stuff up online and he seems sincere (i.e. no telegraphed “oh sure you diiiid” from Freckles’ eyebrows) so maybe we can pretend that he told Gen he had a headache and didn’t non-con her ass.
While they are doing that, our angel assassin Javier Bardem comes busting through the window and into our parallel world.
Soon enough Javier finds the boys but his Super Angel Strength doesn’t work so the boys take advantage and go with their fists.
They are soon spotted and I LOL that it takes four crew guys to pull them off of Javier. He is a sneaky little angel and grabs the key out of Dimples’ pocket before he runs off. DIMPLES ZIP YOUR POCKET. When will he learn this lesson??
Next up is damage control by BOB on a conference call with Ms. Gamble. It seems that J2 were seen “beating an extra to death” but it’s ok because it wasn’t “all the way” and:
I admit, I LOL’ed out loud.
BOB thinks it’s merely an “extended psychedelic acid trip” but Sera offers to come up to Vancouver and handle it anyway. The other producer doesn’t think that’s the best idea, considering that she’s “new” and the boys don’t actually “know who she is.” Lulz, if it’s any consolation Sera, I BLAME YOU FOR EVERYTHING this season. BOB says they need the Kripkeeper to come up personally but he’s in a cabin somewhere writing his new pilot.
Back to Misha, who is heading off home in the most delectable sweater.
He gets in his car and for someone I start laughing because he is smiling to himself FOR NO REASON and I’m sitting here wondering why.
Are seatbelts that funny?
He starts tweeting a psychic vision out to his Mishamigos:
And sure enough, Javier is!
My former co-host is the most ridiculous man alive LMAOOO. The only question I have is where was this part????
Back to the set, where BOB is sitting at his namesake’s desk. He asks them if they will stop trying to kill extras, stop dealing in black market organs, and stop playing with each other’s dog figurines if he can get them a raise from Dawn Ostroff. They, however, take this moment to realize that BOB’s name is….the same as BOBBY’s.
As Dimples is realizing he’s an idiot that doesn’t zip his pockets, BOB tells them they can’t “come to work on poppers.” LMAOOO. Dimples promptly quits the show as Freckles gives BOB a hell of a goodbye speech about how they are the Winchesters, dammit, and where they come from people don’t know who they are, but they matter to them.
It’s about fucking time you realize this shit, dumbass.
BOB says he can work with their “psychotic break” but Freckles says they quit.
Back to Misha, who has been forced by Javier to drive to a dark alley.
He throws Misha up against the wall and starts pontificating on how he can stand to live in a world with no God, where there is nothing but dirt when they die.
Now I would go into some deep meta about how we could turn this into a debate about how atheists see themselves and the world, but I’m too distracted by Misha’s utterly ridiculous crying face.
Javier then slits Misha’s throat and uses his blood to call SassyGayArchAngel. Wait a minute here, is he using Meg’s Demon Phone cup?? Have we ever seen an angel use it before? We’ve seen Meg and Brady use it, so maybe this is something else Edlund pulled out of his ass for the episode.
Oh and BTW, people who are getting crazy upset because Misha died: IT’S NOT REAL. You would think the alpaca in Jared’s backyard and the, oh, ANGEL ASSASSIN would have given that away lol.
The Boys head back to the Padalecki Mansion, where Gen is hysterical over Misha’s death.
I would like to present to you this week’s…
LOL BACON Gif Of the Recap:
Lmaoooooooooooooooooooo GURL. This is some Bloodstone Diaries quality shit right here! Princess Adorable is off somewhere getting nervous.
Hey wait, why is she so upset over Misha? Hmmm, I guess we know what(who) she’s doing while the boys are touching each other’s dog figurines.
Off to the scene of the crime, where even the police tape is canadian!
Luckily, a nice homeless man saw the whole thing, and tells the boys what happened:
Sure enough, the Blood Phone worked and Sassy tells Javier to meet back at the set the next night with the key. The boys are like hoooshiiit, Apocalypse Again!
Meanwhile, Javier is at the local gun store buying weapons like he’s in the Montana militia or something. He reminds the Very Attractive Storekeeper that he is “the weapons keeper of Heaven” before knocking him out and going about his business.
Back to the boys, who are realizing that they might be stuck in the AU if the angel mojo doesn’t work. Freckles says that Dimples wouldn’t mind too much if they never got back and goes into a speech about how Dimples’ been fucked with his whole life and here he’s a rich dude with a wife with great hair and an amazing alpaca. It’s a classic Dean Winchester “how can we make life better for Sammy, even if I have to sacrifice everything” speech, but Dimples shuts him down quickly:
My OTP heart swells as Dimples reiterates what we all know. Better to be together in their hard, sucky lives then comfortable and domesticated apart (see also: What Is and What Should Never Be)
OK, any excuse to use this gif, why pretend?
Next up, guess who’s here? It’s Kripke! LOL or AU!Kripke anyway. For a minute I really wanted it to be Rob Benedict playing Kripke, but that would be almost *too* meta. The guy they did cast is perfect however. He and BOB discuss the attractive crying man’s untimely death.
Suddenly, Javier comes down the lot and Krip goes over to talk to him about not pressing charges for that little “beating to death” thing. Javier, however, doesn’t want to talk.
Whoever picked the TERRIBLE MUSIC last week must be off because the music is glorious. It’s like a mexican standoff old western Robert Rodriguez mariachi type thingamajig, and it’s beautiful haha. Krip goes down like the Christ-figure he thinks he is. Oh, and notice the Mama W/Jessica bloody stomach. No white nightgown though, sadly.
BOB only takes one shot to go down and then Long Suffering AD is next. Serge, being a stealth and magical French Canadian, dodges bullets like the Gabester playing Neo.
The boys come in and manage to get the guns away as they start wailing on him. Dimples does manage to knock over his brother at one point, however lol.
Suddenly the red symbol appears on the mirror and that means Sassy is on the way! The boys jump through the window and since this is season six, we get a FREEZE FRAME before the break.
We’re back and look! SassyGayArchAngel is….still sassy, but no longer gay.
Damn look at those cheekbones! I need hers to mate with Jared’s so they can have a giant cheekbone baby. Chick is fierce, I love her. Also love that the angels (and show) are embracing gender neutrality in their vessels (see also: Claire Novak). I’ve always seen angels as genderless beings, so I love it when they switch it up.
Freckles is dumb enough to make a dude looks like a lady joke, but she shuts him up quickly.
Sassy is like “got the key, gonna go restart the apocalypse now, kthxbai” but Bicycle shows up just in time to tell her the key is actually to the Albany bus station (ewww. No srsly, ewwww).
She demands the weapons, but he says that he needed to collect them and used the boys as bait (as usual) to give him time. She’s about to smite his sexy ass, when SPARKS shows up and says *he* has the weapons now. Then, he gets all BAMFy and shows off.
Then he goes over to eyefuck the shit out of his ex-boyfriend Bicycle.
How can anyone deny this coupling?? I mean Sparksicle are made for each other, in a totally celestial way. This is angelcest at it’s finest here, people. They have quickly moved up into my Top 10 OTP(3) List, which currently looks like this:
3) OLD CAPS
4) Robo!Sam/DON DP-ing AU!Jensen
The UST is too strong, so Bicycle bops out. Sparks angel zaps the boys back to rainy South Dakota.
The boys are pissed that Sparks knew about the plan to use them as a diversion, but he reiterates that he’s fighting a dirty war that would affect all of them if he loses. Freckles yells at him that they know the stakes but that he hasn’t told them shit about what is really going on. Sparks looks really tired and miserable and I feel bad for the guy. I’d like to point his voice has returned to its normal lower eight octaves and I realize what a great actor Misha is.
Sparks zaps out and Dimples goes to check the walls to make sure they aren’t made of plexiglass. He also has really pink lips. Hmm, trailers….
Freckles says they’re back to “home sweet home” full of “crap that want to skin ya.” That’s looking on the bright side, honey! And they’re broke, yay. But, as Dimples points out, at least they’re talking. Amen, brother.
OK, here’s my problem with the Ruby joke…..they didn’t go for the joke! It was like a total half-assed effort, and I don’t just mean acting wise. What would Freckles’ first reaction be? Go at her with the knife! Any knife, the plastic one, who cares? It would have been hilarious if he went at her with the fake one. Or the wedding pic. Why use a real one? If these two are supposed to be vain pretentious actors, then why not stage a hilarious fake wedding pic where they are in an alpaca-drawn carriage or something ridiculous like that. It felt too “gotcha, haters, look at my man!” as opposed to “OMG SAM IS MARRIED TO RUBY WHAT HILARITY WILL ENSUE??” Somebody wimped out on the whole point of having her on. The crying part though, that was bacon-level gold.
I still feel good about the brotherly relationship. I admit to being a liiiiiittle nervous about the kind of ambivalent facial responses Freckles has given to Dimples’ episode ending reassurances the past two weeks. It probably doesn’t mean anything negative but I’m so used to conflict at this point that I’m hyper-sensitive. I still feel, however, that they are working together and seem to be (relatively) on the same page. That’s the best we can hope for at this point, right? *shakes fist at Sera Gamble’s disembodied voice*
I have to say though, what was the point? Meta episodes like Monster at the End of the Book or humorous ones like Changing Channels usually have some plot movement and relevance to the mytharc. That felt tacked on and not organic in this one. But you know what? I laughed a good 75% of the episode and no one died (for real) so I’m not going to complain! Besides, Edlund got to kill Kripke. I’m impressed.
Matt Cohen’s Thighs Hotness Scale: Padalpaca +100,000
Old Spice Clouded Hinky Meter: Possible squicky sex -50,000
XX Chromosome Factor: Sassy +50,000
Wincestosity: Choosing togetherness, always +1million
Caps by true_fellings