Our first Dimples POV episode of the season. How did it go? Well, no one’s grace got stuck in a tree. No one had lap sex with a demon. See, we’re already better than Season 4!
Kat was bored out of her mind i.e. her Samgirl Registration Card is currently being revoked. could barely stay awake, but he’s such a Deangirl he might as well be moderating Televisionwithoutpity. As for me? Well I’m considering it our Farewell to Robo!Sam and enjoying the return of the Death Peen. ONWARD TO THE GIFS!
Everytime I see Death in the previouslies I get irrationally excited. I mean, in *theory* I don’t want Death to show up because, you know, then people will die, but he’s so epic that I can’t believe they found him. That’s some J2-JDM-Alastair-bbLilith-Matt Cohen level casting right there.
ANYWAY, on to the actual episode.
We open up “one year ago” and I cringe a little because I remember the last time we had non-Colin Ford flashbacks. Yes, I’m still traumatized, I can’t help it!
(Srsly, any excuse to use this gif)
We open up on what is obviously Robo!Sam and G-Skinny up to no good. You can tell, because these are not Puppy Eyes:
They start back toward G-Skinny’s truck and it seems that Robo!Sam has some sort of wound on his shoulder. I stop to LOL because he is wearing the exact same brown hoodie jacket that he’s wearing in the episode I’m watching right now on TNT here at work. A season four episode (yes, I’m a masochist). I guess being in hell and all doesn’t mean you have to waste money on new clothes, amirite??
Anyway one more angsty mood shot, just so we know who we’re watching lol
They are pulled over by the Podunk Deputy of the Day, who was under the impression that they were Feds but is now wising up. He tries to them to come with him, which at first gets a flash of dimples:
And then this:
Ok let’s be honest here. Sam Winchester is a HUGE MAN. Add Super Soulless Strength to that and Podunk Deputy of the Day should have been dead in a couple of punches, much less the complete pounding that Robo!Sam gives him. G-Skinny seems to agree and asks if there was a “calmer” way they could have handled that. And because SERA SLEDGEHAMMER is in full effect this episode, Robo!Sam replies:
They drive off and if I were G-Skinny I would have conveniently lost Ol’ Sammy’s phone number and stayed as far away from my psycho grandson as I could LOL.
Back to present day where Freckles comes into the Motel Room of the Week bearing the Fast Food of the Night. Dimples is watching TMZ apparently because we get a pretty dated Mel Gibson joke.
They chit chat for a bit and all I can focus on is the fact that Jared got a haircut.
Or layers, at the very least LOL.
He suddenly gets a text message from a mysterious source with coordinates. You all know what that means...IT’S DON!
Research!Sammy checks out the coordinates on his laptop and find out it’s Rhode Island….where we know Robo!Sam was busy (almost) killing people. They learn three women have mysteriously disappeared. They, however, are more concerned with how DON got Dimples’ new cell number.
Dimples is like “we have to go check it out!” and Freckles is like “but it’s DON, dammit, we don’t know what he has up his sleeve!” and Dimples is like “it can’t be nearly as bad as the time in prison” and Freckles is like “FLASHBACK! FLASHBACK!” and then they snuggle.
They hop in the Most Important Object in the Universe and head to Bristol. Just as they pass the welcome sign, Dimples flashes back to something that we know is dramatic because it’s in black and white. Dimples is completely stunned by the drama.
They end up at a lovely pirate themed restaurant (role play ideas for later back at the motel) and they eat while checking out the flyers of missing girls. Sleazy Dean returns and I admit I love it.
Dimples tries to figure out what the chicks have in common while Freckles goes to the bathroom. Seriously, are the Farrelly Brothers writing this show now?
Suddenly a random woman comes up to Dimples, calling him “Detective Roark” which I’m hoping is commentary on Ayn Rand being a soulless monster. Of course, that would give the writers of “the poop deck” way more credit then they are worth, so probably not. Dimples seems confused as well.
Finally she introduces her completely cuckholded husband behind her…..
I legit screamed on my couch. looked at me like I just grew a second head and I checked my twitter and 20 people simultaneously tweeted me “DON!!!” lmaoooo. Best thing ever.
However, WE know that this Don is a Faux-Don in the same way that Faux-Irish girl on General Hospital is well…not Irish. Obviously Real!DON sent his Don Minions to Bristol, Rhode Island to lay an elaborate trap for the Boys. Faux-Don can fool some people, but he can’t fool ME.
Dimples reacts to this information.
Meanwhile, Freckles is checking out unattractive blondes near the Poop Deck. He sees a wall full of polaroids for an eating contest:
He leans in close to check out his appetite competition:
Back to Dimples, where Faux-Don’s Wife is channeling her cousin Crazy Eyed Sid.
She’s asking about his “partner” G-Skinny and Dimples is all “hmmm err uh” before Freckles comes back and saves him. He says G-Skinny is in sex rehab….and I really want that to be a X-File/Duchovny joke but, again, POOP DECK.
He gets introduced to Faux-Don and twitches just a little from his PTSD.
Faux-Don’s Wife/Sid’s Cousin cops a feel on Dimples, which triggers a dramatic black and white sex scene set in the POOP DECK.
God Dimples’ has horrible taste in women LOL. Ok, so I’m not going to pretend that Kat and I didn’t have a really long and rather intense conversation about whether or not Robo!Sam would use condoms. Yes, this is the kind of serious subject that she and I discuss at length. I mean, this is almost related to Universal Health Care, right? Srs biz!
God, he’s hot though. Dayum, look at the Insta!Bangs
Freckles notices her Crazy Eyed stare, because he’s perceptive like that (and not blind).
A freaked out Dimples says he thinks he worked a case in Bristol, and Freckles confirms it with the polaroid ripped off the POOP DECK wall.
Robo!Sam photobombing some poor schmuck’s picture is funny, but it would have been way more hilarious if he was the one in the pirate hat eating the 72 oz steak. Just sayin’.
Back to the motel, which is actually some grimy looking abandoned house. THE BUGS GUYS, THE BUGS. I can barely watch this show sometimes when I stop to think about it. I’d be the person who would turn down a one night stand with one of them because I’d too scared to bring something home. If you were a New Yorker you would understand exactly what I’m talking about.
OK, I promise I will try and stop getting distracted. LOL, good luck with that. Anyway, Research!Sammy is out in full force and finds a case from the year before about 5 missing dudes. Freckles is packing up to try to get out of dodge because he’s smart like that. Dimples responds with a bitchface-induced dimple.
Freckles reminds him that hunters don’t hit the same town twice.
I do love that they are throwing around SIR references. At least somebody didn’t forget that he taught them everything they know *harumph*
GRATUITOUS JDM MAKING SEXY EYES AT ME:
Dimples starts his “everything is my fault and I have to right Robo Wrongs!” spiel and looks so earnest while doing it that Freckles can’t hold back a quick lip lick/bite:
Freckles heads to Flyer Girl’s apartment to talk to her roommate. All I notice is that Jensen’s hair is super long (for him)
He’s also stunningly beautiful and makes me want to cry BECAUSE HE IS A SPECIAL MAN KAT, so…there’s that too.
He finds a card for “Agent H. Roark” (ok this *is* totally an Ayn Rand reference) on the kitchen counter and verifies that it’s Dimples using scientific means:
Turns out one of the missing men lived next door to them and Robo!Sam came around to ~talk to them. Okay, he came around to bang Flyer Girl. Srsly, dude, you can get hotter chicks then this. Even Freckles thinks so:
In fact, he thinks it so hard that it inspires a zooooooooom.
Back to Dimples, who is looking long and lovely in his FBI suit as he heads towards the sheriff station. Suddenly, someone calls out to him so he decides to show off how different the swing is in his new haircut:
Sure enough it’s Should-Be-Dead from the beginning. Seeing him makes a very DRAMATIC flashback and we get a much more epic zoooooom than Freckles got.
I can *feel* the sodium in this zoom. It’s brilliant.
Should-Be-Dead cuffs him over the hood of the car (hmmm) and then throws him in the jail, insulting him in a completely obvious follicle-related way.
Dimples attempts Puppyface on him but Should-Be-Dead is made of stronger stuff than mere mortal green-eyed-freckled-bowlegged-men.
“C’mon you like me a little, right? Look at the forehead crinkles”
He leaves Dimples to reflect on how Stupid his Stupid Plans always are.
Later on another random brunette pops up to demand info on her husband. Dimples figures the Face might work on her and goes for broke.
BOOM FLASHBACK! Not as dramatic this time, although there are artsy camera angle to confuse us. The way they are shooting Robo!Sam makes me think about the Sammifer glass scenes in the finale and I wonder if it’s on purpose. Either way, Jared looks beautiful.
Mutton Chops of Doom Check: Patchy
Turns out Random Brunette #37 was the wife of the Missing Sheriff. Seems G-Skinny and Robo!Sam told them they were hunters to, I assume, get their help with the monster ganking the guys.
Back to the jail cell where Dimples’ Cheekbones are trying to convince Random Brunette #37 that he doesn’t remember anything. She quips:
Which is only important because it gives me an opportunity to bust out this amazing gif:
He manages to convince her that he’s telling the truth by putting on his low, soothing dog-whisperer voice and staring soulfully with downcast eyes. NGL, it would work on me.
Back to La Casa di Faux-Don where Crazy Eyed Wife is drinking wine straight outta the box. CLASSY! It’s almost like my normal Friday night.
Faux-Don looks at her with scorn as she boozes it up. Sadly, the box runs out so she has to go to her scary basement to get some more. And we all know what happens in scary basements! One more Robo!Sam lackluster conquest down.
Back to the gross house where Dimples pulls a gun on surprise!Freckles.
Freckles mocks him for being an idiot and getting arrested.
He comes bearing news that Robo!Sam was a slut with bad taste, but we knew that. Dimples bitchfaces that assertion.
They here over their trusty police scanner about Crazy Eyed Wife and Freckles goes to check it out. He tells Dimples to stay put, which of course means he’s going to go out and get himself into even more trouble.
Next we get the moment when Freckles assures Faux-Don that he understands the diabolical hold that DON has over him, but that he is going to do his best to get him released from his bonds. It’s rather touching, to be honest.
Freckles tries to call Dimples then to tell him he finally figured out the connect to the other women (like an hour later than the rest of us):
Ok, I know everyone says that Dimples’ type is brunettes, but let’s set the record straight. Every time he thinks of his great, blonde( blond-ish) love(s) he is so overwhelmed that he has to try and find the exact opposite of her(him) so that the pain lessens. So tall, blonde, gorgeous Jess(Dean) gets replaced by meaningless sex with scrawny, oftentimes homely brunettes.
Dimples is, of course, breaking into RB #37′s house because everyone knows nothing builds trust like a little B&E.
Being in the house throws us right back into flashback, this time with the four of them talking about how hard hunting is. G-Skinny waxes lyrical on his darling Mary (ewww) while Robo!Sam says:
There’s a hesitation there though, where you know he’s thinking about Freckles. Damn, I wish the show would give us actual fucking insight into his thoughts, and not just show us how heinous his actions were. Blargh.
On a shallow note, how is Jared looking this pretty??
Dimples and RB #37 start going through the box of evidence on the missing men. We flitter back and forth into flashbacks, which is really hard to recap lulz. Let’s just say that it turns out G-Skinny and Robo!Sam figured out that the monster was an “Arachne” spider goddess creature that hadn’t been seen outside of Crete in 1000 years.
Here, have more artsy black and white:
RB #37 gets all sad about her probably dead hubby and Dimples gives this progression of facial expressions in response. Special shout out to the shiny almost-tear filled eyes.
And then he grabs the box and makes for the door LOL. Ooh look, SPIDER VISION!
He finally checks his voicemail as he spies a HUGE FUCKING SPIDERWEB on RB #37′s porch. Um, shouldn’t that be a clue, genius?
He just starts to go investigate when Freckles sneaks up on him.
Freckles fetches him and they return to the gross house. He concludes that the monster with “opposable thumbs and text messaging” i.e. DON is out to get Dimples. Well, duh.
Dimples admits that he’s remembering the case and Freckles freaks out and wants them to leave. The argue about the Wall for a bit before Dimples says:
And the problem for Freckles is that THIS IS SAM, in all his stubborn glory, and he wanted Sam back so he can’t do much more than this:
Next up we get an awesome sequence of case-working, complete with news clippings and string and other Sir-esque touches. I’m really loving this kind of old school researching/hunting that they’ve been doing the last few episodes. Makes me feel like season 1 wasn’t *totally* forgotten.
We get a montage of B&W memories that pushes us right back into the DRAMATIC past. We end up back at the pirate restaurant with Robo!Sam and G-Skinny, where a plan is being hatched to use Missing Sheriff as bait for the spider monster. Missing Sheriff doesn’t know he’s bait of course.
Missing Sheriff gets ganked and while G-Skinny wants to search for him, Robo!Sam tells him not to bother since he turned on the GPS in his phone. As G-Skinny calls MS a “red shirt” and that mention makes wake up from where he fell asleep next to me on the couch after whining “where’s Deaaaaaaaaaaaan” about 15 minutes in.
Robo!Sam doesn’t give a fuck
They follow the GPS to another creepy house, where the missing men are bundled up like mummies in spiderwebs.
They are still alive, however, and scare the shit out of the guys. Just as they find Missing Sheriff, Arachne comes out to play. Of course, she is a monster that looks nothing like a monster, yet again. One day, when Gossip Girl is off the air, we might actually get enough money to actually create a monster and put it on the air. Until then we get spider goddesses that look like burn victims.
She puts up a little bit of a fight before Robo!Sam ganks her with his trusty machete. We do get a nice ass shot out of this scene, so that’s something.
With Arachne out of the way, G-Skinny wants to get the guys to the hospital. Robo!Sam, on the other hand, wants to:
So then, yeah.
With dead eyes.
And a nod towards clean up.
Back to Real-Time-Dimples, who is not pleased with his meatsuit.
Back to RB #37′s house, where Missing Sheriff returns as a spider creature.
Somehow she manages to take Dimples’ call and asks him to “swing by”.…ok I LOL’ed.
I just want to stop and point out that Jensen’s hair is suddenly short again. I wish Dimples had time to get his mutton chops trimmed in between scenes.
They head over to RB #37′s house and Dimples is all:
…..and I LOL’ed again. Srsly guys, you have to find the humor in this episode where you can.
Of course it’s a trap and Sheriff Spider is waiting for them. He tosses Freckles to his boyfriend The Wall and puts the squeeze on Dimples. Then just to be extra gross he wraps them up in his web. Hmmm, anyone want to guess where the web comes out of?
Sheriff Spider mocks Dimples a little and shows off his classy new double pupils.
He then accuses Dimples of slutting it up with RB #37, which at this point is a fair assumption. He then confirms that he ganked all the missing brunettes because they had sex with Robo!Sam.
THE PADACOCK OF DOOM LIVES, EVEN WITHOUT A SOUL!
Thankfully Freckles is being proactive about things and is slowly sawing his way out of the web.
Of course he breaks out but then is instantly woobified again. Ah, what would an episode be without Freckles getting choked out?
Luckily Dimples is there to save him (again) and decapitates another black dude. Sheriff Spider’s head doesn’t have as much joie de vivre as Gordon’s though.
Afterwards Dimples walks RB #37 back to her house, where she promptly slams the door in his face. His sad little face wibbles in response.
Back to the gross house, where Dimples says Freckles was right about them coming back to Bristol. Freckles points out that at least he killed Spidey and, more importantly, that everything Robo!Sam did was not his fault. Dimples disagrees.
Freckles offers to get him a beer and Dimples acts pissy in return.
I don’t know why I love this part. It just seemed very “them.” Although I’ll forever weep that he didn’t respond “jerk.” And IDGAF if that is cheesy fanon, I love it anyway.
Freckles starts packing up…
…but then we hear a thump and Freckles calls out “Sammy” as he runs into the next room.
…where Dimples is having a seizure on the floor.
And then, since Hell on this show is always through the eyeballs:
The Wall at least cracks and Dimples is burning up. Like, for real.
I’m screaming and is LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.
: Look at him trying to take it! TAKE IT SAMMY, TAKE IT! Bwhahahahahaha!
Hmm, I’m not sure whether or not I’m supposed to be turned on that my boyfriend is growling “take it!” at Jared Padalecki. Hmm.
Oh wait. ZOMG SAMMY!!11!!1
I’m really loving the brother relationship the past few episodes. It still feels like a continuation of the growth in the finale. Freckles remains overprotective (and after this ending, I think that’s going to ramp up a couple million notches) but supportive. Dimples still wants to redeem himself, even to his own detriment. I feel like they are actually talking to each other and trying to support each other. I’m hoping the conflict stays external from their relationship. Okay, that’s complete wishful thinking that will probably be ruined in the next episode, but a girl can dream!
I thought Jared was fantastic in this episode. The differences between the two versions of Sam were clear cut and telling. I don’t think people appreciated how well he was doing with Robo!Sam until we got Emo!Sam back.
I guess the issue I had with this episode is that it didn’t really move anything along. Dimples was already feeling guilty about the stuff he did….why do we need to make it even worse? Yes, Robo!Sam did a lot of bad shit, we get it. It felt like they just needed a reason for the Wall to chip, and figured this was the easiest way to do it. Oh, and when G-Skinny is the sympathetic one, you know something is wrong LOL.
Oh and why was Hell so literal?? I’m hoping the flames and stuff was a representation and not so much “oooh look at Sammy burning!” I mean, Luci’s breath was icy cold, remember? It seemed really cliche (and, ok, the special effects were lulzy, let’s be honest).
And because it’s in black and white and I can pretend it’s a ~theme, more gratuitous Sir for my own pleasure:
Matt Cohen’s Thighs Hotness Scale: Jared’s cheekbones +20,000
Old Spice Clouded Hinky Meter: Soulless shenanigans -5000
XX Chromosome Factor: Death Peen Victims, one and all -10,000
Wincestosity: Overprotective!Freckles +20,000
Caps by Homeofthenutty.com