Yeah, so this happened.
Dudes, stop staring and click the jump, mkay?
I kid, I kid. So this is the episode we have all been waiting for, because we are shameless objectifying whores and that’s exactly the way we like it, right? Oh yeah and angels and plot and blah blah.
Oh look, it’s a Ben Edlund episode! We open up on a police locker room in West Bum Fuck, USA where the cop pictured above starts peeling his skin off. Literally. We get further proof that the Goremaster wrote this episode because we get this:
And of course he also gives us the lolz. Although I doubt Podunk Cop #2′s magnificently bad/hilarious reaction was in the script.
After the title card we all of a sudden get SoftFocus! SunDappledBedsheets! TinklingPianoMusic! Oh and shirtless Freckles. I know, I should be terribly excited but I’m LOL’ing too hard at the emphasis on Gumbygirl’s french manicure and the way that Jensen is doing his patented Only-Show-the-Back-Not-the-Nipples routine. Oh and more importantly, WHERE IS THE HANDPRINT??
OK so, yes, I might have swirled Lisa’s face out, but that is not the point of the pic! And maaaaybe I happened to pick the cap that had the words “Jared Padalecki” in it, but what of it?? Concentrate on the handprintless shoulder, people! I suppose we’re supposed to fanwank this as not a big deal since it’s a *spoiler alert* dream, but I’m going to just go with him being re-re-hymenated when Sparks fixed him in the finale. See, this is why his sex scenes are always so vanilla…he’s continually a virgin! Oh, Freckles.
So this reminds me of a time when Dean Winchester was cooler! And he went by the name of Kara “Starbuck” Thrace:
OK so maybe I’m writing this recap late because I spent my entire weekend at NY Comic Con fangirling over Katee Sackhoff. But srsly, Starbuck is Dean, except more macho and with less facial hair. And since she’s Dean, I would of course ship her with Sam. And then they would have sex. But first they would bite each other. And punch each other. And bleed all over each other. And then the Beastmaster would try and be all dominant and Starbuck would be like “frak no, buddy” and turn the tables and hold him down with her knees and then….holy fuck where did this recap end up??
BRB, I NEED A CIGARETTE.
OK, back. Just remembered I don’t smoke, so I watched smoke one instead.
So of course SoftFocusVanilla was a dream and we start a wee montage cross-cutting Freckles’ morning routine with Dimples’ naked exercise. Shall we?
Oh fuck it. I know what you horny bitches want. ENJOY:
Then Bambi comes out of the bathroom and attempts some excrutiating bits of dialogue while Dimples stands there like this:
And then, of course Bambi is a hooker.
Because that’s our:
SERA SLEDGEHAMMER ALERT #1
Mr. “I don’t pay for it, Dean” is paying for sex! Even though he looks like that big famous statue guy in the Uffizi! This totally means he’s completely emotionally detached from the world! He can’t even deal with a real one night stand!
Bambi takes the money but is of course all “ooh Big Strong Muscle Man, you know that I would totally do you for free because of course I’m a sex worker for shits and giggles and not to make a living or anything.” Oh God, the line readings and awkward pauses LOL. This scene is waaaaay too long (Kat: “Blasphemer!!”) Sera, you don’t need to sell us on the Beastmaster being a stud, ok? We’ve been there, seen it, and saved the gifs.
LMAO only I could wank naked Jared Padalecki. Hey, to make up for it, look at this beautiful screencap of him with actual chest hair!
My heavy investigation of earlier, more towel-oriented scenes reminds me that Dimples never had chest hair before. This means that either:
a) all the steroids made him grow hair on his chest as well as the side of his face
b) he used to wax his chest for his college boyfriends Eric Brady-Bateman and Doug from East Lansing
(god his ass in like JLo here, goddaaayuum)
Bambi of course gives him her number because, well, why not? The phone rings then and EmotionallyDeadSammy goes to answer it while chucking the number in the trash.
It’s of course Freckles, who is grabbing some burgers and heading towards the C-Unit Compound. Dimples tells him to head to Pennsylvania instead to help him with a case he’s working on. Ok, stop and look at this screencap. Because, seriously, this might be the first time in a long time (ever?) where Sam looks as good as Jared. LOL, if that makes any sense.
OK I admit that Dimples standing there talking to Freckles on the phone while all sweaty and fucked out is making me…happy. In my belly. Disturbingly. And then he goes and gets ~bossy and I whimper a little. Just a little.
During the beginning of that last scene went “ewww there’s that skinny asshole!” Then she left the room to go read about her “little ravioli” Joe Montegna in her Criminal Minds chatrooms. Because of course anyone that watches a show starring Matthew Gray Gubler can call Jared Padalecki “skinny.”
Next we have Podunk Cop #3 chillin’ in his car in the trees along the highway. A speeding car goes by which I believe is the Not-pala and Podunk Cop #3 says “ah you can do better than that” at him only going 70mph. LMAO I love all the Not-pala insults this episode. He is of course not doing his job and is too busy slurping his Big Gulp, because of course all Podunk Cops in SPN are useless unless they are a Sassy Lady Sheriff. He gets a mysterious call about some sort of coverup but before we know it Edlund reasserts his authority with this:
Next we get Freckles driving up in the Most Important Object in the Universe and the contrast between it and the Not-pala is staggering.
Such beauty! Such grace! Such apocalyptic importance!
Oh look, Freckles in on the phone with the Personalityless Emo Pre-Teen.
SERA SLEDGEHAMMER ALERT #2
Let’s shoe-horn in some on the phone parenting to go along with the SoftFocusVanillaSex because we don’t want Freckles to look like an asshole or anything, right? I mean, it’s not like we got any actual emotional Dean/Ben scenes or anything, but he’s JUST LIKE HIS SON so we are supposed to be feeling things right now, yes?
You know what I am feeling right now?
I’m feeling the FUCK out of Jared Padalecki and his smug ass face in that suit. Dimples of course mocks him for his phone-parenting and while he’s still a douchebag, I gotta go with him on this one. LOL. He then asks how Gumbygirl took the writer-mandated departure and Freckles says “shockingly cool actually.” Not shocking honey, she’s ~perfect. Dimples is like “better for everybody” because of course he’s supposed to be an asshole now. Ah fuck that, then we get Freckles calling the Not-pala “that plastic piece of crap” and Dimples snarks about mileage and awwww Boy Banter!
They head into the police station to check out Podunk Cop #3′s boil covered body and get a quick shot of the Real Bobby Singer playing doctor behind the front desk. LOL, he’s practically Shyamalanian in his self-insertion! Quick, time for a mutton chop check:
Dammit, still auditioning to play the Wolverine stand-in. Oh well, no one is perfect (except Lisa). The boys discuss the two dead Podunk Cops i.e Skidmark and Bubble Wrap (lmao) and head off to the only witness, Podunk Cop #2 i.e. The Magnificent Reactor from the first scene. Along the way, we get some show of dominance from the Impala over the Not-pala.
Dimples is like “were you racing me?” and Freckles is like “no, I was kicking your ass.” Heeeee, BOYS. They knock on Ed The Magnificent Reactor’s door and he opens it looking a bit crazy eyed (ah, makes me think of Sid. RIP Crazy Eyes, we hardly knew ya). He says “don’t worry about it” in some strange hybrid of a Jersey accent and shuts the door in their face. Dimples proceeds to bust down the door like he thinks he’s Christopher Meloni or something.
True story: I once tried to break down a (locked) door because I thought “If Mariska can do it, I can too!” Well, Mariska can’t really do, and neither can I. My chiropractor, however, is still amused by it, two years later.
They head inside and take in all the photos in the house with their faces scratched out. Meep, this is some serial killer shit, ruuuuun boys. Ed the Magnificent Reactor sits at the table scratching at another pic while mumbling don’t worry about it. The Boys attempt to get information out of him as he sits there itching his head and staring at them with Serial Killer eyes. He says that God wants all of the Podunk Cops dead because of some dude named Christopher Burch, who has no face. He then spills half a bottle of perfectly good whiskey before Dimples attempts to Batman Voice him into telling them what they want to know. Instead, Ed the Magnificent Reactor just starts bleeding from his hat and goes down on the table.
They lift off the hat and I fucking scream because REALLY BEN EDLUND???
To make up for that, have this:
Next stop is a pretty decent looking motel room i.e. Just Where They Belong. They discuss the fact that the blood, boils, and locust seem to be pointing to some plagues of Biblical proportions. They find the connection between the three Podunk cops: they shot an unarmed kid (the aforementioned Christopher Burch) and planted a gun on him to cover it up. Now all three of them are dead. Freckles suggests they call Sparks and Dimples is like “don’t even bother, he won’t talk to meeeeee”
Dimples is like “whatevs, let’s try!” and goes to sit down on the single king sized bed in the room. I mean, I’m just sayin.
Then we get an utterly lulzy scene where Freckles “prays” to Sparks to get his “feathery ass down here.” Amusingly enough, his Batman Voice gets deeper when he tries to conjure Sparks. Sparkles shippers can make of that what you will. He ends with a “do you copy?”
Dimples tells him he’s an idiot and Freckles tells him to stay positive. Hee, Boy Banter AGAIN *hearts-in-eyes* At first there is no response and SmugFace comes out:
But of course Sparks is right behind him so it turns into PissedFace. LMAO
He turns around and YAYAYAYA IT’S SPARKS! He gives Dimples a little “hello”
Which makes Dimples all:
And Freckles is all:
Dimples yodels “HELLO!?!?” a few times and Sparks is like “um, that’s still the word, right?” and Dimples is like “why didn’t you answer meeeeeee?” and Sparks is like “um, abomination?” and Dimples is like “ZOMG you totes like Dean better than me!” and Sparks is like “Dean and I do share a more profound bond” and Freckles is like:
LMAO forever. Awww I’m happy for the Sparkles shippers! They needed some fanservice after that devastating finale. This should last them through next year’s Big Bang.
So Freckles is like “Dude, Sam went to HELL for us….you can’t leave him a voicemail?” and Sparks is like “dude, I don’t know who yanked him out. Whattya want from me”. Dimples is like “so it’s not God?” and Sparks confirms that Daddygod is still off cavorting with prostitutes and wearing his bathrobe somewhere unknown (maybe in Australia with the Anti-Christ?) . Sparks gets his bitch on by getting in Dimples face and saying “What part of ‘I dont’ know’ escapes your understanding?” MEEEEEOW! Freckles tries to interject the pissing contest by getting toppy and telling Sparks he needs to answer Dimples when he calls. That gets him a look:
Sparks is like “um, bitch, you think I’m here for you??“ and Freckles is like “um, profound bond?” and Sparks rolls his eyes. Turns out he came to check out the Biblical plague case they are working on. Speaking of, how did Sparks find them with the sigils on their ribs? They did call him but didn’t give an exact location like in prior episodes. So either this is part of their re-re-hymenation or…..canon doesn’t matter much to Ms. Gamble.
Turns out it was the “Staff of Moses” that committed the crimes in the case. Because they are just small instances of it, Sparks surmises that the weapon isn’t being used to its full capacity. This of course, rules out Moses himself as a suspect. LOLOL Misha, thank fucking god you are back. The response is a Classic Upside Down Smile and a Classic Look Off to the Side Before Looking Back To Express “Thinking”.
When Freckles inquires how “Moses’ Disco Stick” got loose, Sparks admits that shit has hit the fan in Heaven since the apocalypse ended. It seems their “nukes are loose” and he needs some Winchester help to retrieve them. The Boys remain perplexed yet beautiful.
The Boys are like “you’re kidding right, No-Voicemail-Angel?” and Sparks gets pissed and throws locusts at Dimples.
And then in the most hilarious line reading of the episode we get (in the deepest Batman Voice out of the three of them):
Because obviously he has “spent the last year as a multi-dimensional wavelength of celestial intent.” Well, of course you have darling.
They are chastised enought to agree to help him and go back to the case. They show a newspaper clipping of the Faceless Kid’s dad, who was trying to get the Three Podunks investigated. This shifts us over to said father, who is sitting on his couch and enjoying reports of their deaths. The latest in the batch of SPN child actors comes into the room, and obviously he will be evil. He already has more personality then Gumbyson, however, and he hasn’t even said anything yet. Faceless’ Dad sends Probably Evil Kid out of the room and my OT3 arrive by Angel Air into the living room. Hopefully they remembered to bend their knees. Faceless’ Dad is like “huh!” and Dimples is like “settle down” and I admit I LOL’ed. He flashes his FBI badge and interrupts him with questions about Faceless Kid’s death. The Boys try to growl him into a confession and when that doesn’t work Sparks says “you smote them with the staff of Moses.” At this point I was giggling so hard that it made mom look up from her google image search of “craggy guys.”
Just as they are about to go all rogue on the dad, Probably Evil Kid shows up with the staff. I nod wisely at who just rolls his eyes. PEK only has part of the staff though, as it’s been sawed off. Sparks gives Faceless’ Dad some Angel Ambien before popping up behind PEK and taking the staff piece from him. The three of them gang up on PEK to try to get info and the camera angle is really odd.
PEK tells them him name is “Aaron” and am I the only one that cracks up that the kid with the staff of MOSES is named AARON? Anyone? No? Okay.
Turns out that he prayed to God to gank the fuckers who killed his brother, but alas, God is surfing in Australia with hookers and demon kids. So instead an angel came down to give him the weapon to gank them himself. Of course it only cost him his soul. So Angels buying souls eh? Oh Sera, you rebel! Sparks grabs the kid to tote him back to the motel room and thank god, we get this beauty:
It’s a REVERSE ZOOM!! It’s like we beg for something and they give it to us but in a subversive way! Oh Show, you silly bitch!
Sparks throws PEK down on the single king sized bed and says he can figure out who bought his soul since it’s branded on them. Problem is that it’s a wee bit painful and may leave a mark that is suspiciously erased two years later when the continuity department fails at its job. Freckles objects to the kid torture because he’s a Dad now and Dimples is like “meh” because he’s a Douchebag now. Sparks is like “I don’t have time for this shit yo, it’s best for the country” or something and totally turns in Jack Bauer right before our eyes. Freckles goes to stop him and Dimples holds him back.
Sparks Pedo Bears PEK into unconsciousness but does get the name. Turns out it’s an old ~buddy of his that was supposed to be dead, Balthazar. Now I think Balthazar was supposed to be one of the Three Magi, so I expect him to be riding a camel when we meet him. Just as Sparks utters his name, a Black Suited Minion of Somebody or Other pops up and thanks him for the reveal. They bust our their Super Special Angel Killin’ Swords and get to fighting. Finally Sparks says “fuck it” and throws them both out of the window.
….and lands on the Not-pala
Which gets a bitchface out of Dimples
And more car snark out of Freckles
You know what I say!
Sparks pops back up into the room and explains that the mysterious minion was in fact one of the heavies for RAPHAEL. You remember him right? Yes the show itself forgot about the ONLY ARCH ANGEL LEFT ALIVE but at least we are getting him back now, eh? Freckles’ attempts at dominance finally work when he insists Sparks tell them exactly what is going on. After a small who-when-what’s-second-again? comedy routine and some eye-fucking, Sparks explains that Raphael is trying to get control of Heaven. Um, technically he is the only ARCHangel left right? I mean, if we’re talking seniority then he has a point. Although I’m not sure if Heaven has a union…
Sparks says that there is a “civil war” going on in Heaven because ol’ Raph wants to reboot the apocalypse.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Dimples is looking at him like Cage? Stupid Plan? Possessed by Satan? Epic Wincest Fanvid Narrated by God? Whatchatalkinboutcastiel.
Sparks ignores him and pops out to get some myrrh. Which he needs to find…one of the three Magi? I’m going with that. I demand a camel, dammit!
Freckles demands to know why Sparks didn’t tell them this before and he says he was ashamed and that he expected “more from my brothers.” I feel like that is a semi-Sera Sledgehammer Alert since Dimples is standing there but I’ll give it a pass for now. Then Sparks grabs Freckles and slices open his hand to get blood for his ritual.
Then we get some sexy Enochian chanting in the lowest voice so far this season until the ritual works and he gets Balty’s location. So….if it’s that easy to find another angel, how come no one managed to find Sparks when he was all ~rebellious? LMAO, whatever, season five didn’t exist to Sera, I know, I know.
They leave unconscious PEK and pop over to Balty’s house. I do *not* see a barn for the camels, so I’m feeling disappointment creep into my heart. I do see a rather delicious ranch style villa with a pool, so it looks like stealing the Weapons of Heaven have worked out for our boy. We get some music with a thumping bass that I think is supposed to make us excited as Sparks enters and Angel Airs it around the house. A frog looks on ominously.
He follows the music to a shagedelic room and it turns out to be some super sassy disco tune. This makes Sparks’ furrow his brows and bust out the Angel Sword.
All of a sudden the red spotlight pops off and there’s Balty, baby!
He purrs “Caaaaaas” and I LOVE HIM INSTANTLY. He’s wearing one of Jared’s favorite doucheneck shirts, has a British accent, and is staring at Sparks like he’s remembering the last time they fucked in a tent next to his camel.
Raph’s Minion didn’t have much of a chance.
Sparks is like “I was totally sad you were dead because that time in the tent was the best night of my life” and Balty is like “yeah, I get that a lot” and Sparks is like “you are totally cheating on me now, aren’t you?” and Balty is like:
Sparks is like “but you were a soldier and so hot in uniform” and Balty is like “I totally was” and Sparks is like “we…fought together” and Balty is like “over and over and over and under once…”
Sparks can’t believe he’s become a “common thief” and he responds:
Sparks is like “I need your help” and Balty is like “of course, we’re brothers and we know what that means on this show” and Sparks is like “blowjobs?” and Balty is like “that too” and Sparks is like “ok, but after you give me the weapons” and Balty is like “ummm, you weren’t that good in the tent.”
And then he gives some big speech about Sparks’ rebellion throwing out the rulebook and causing a new era and fucking up destinies and BLAH BLAH LISTEN TO THAT ACCENT.
STOP. I’m madly in love already. He’s like Boy-Bela with Demon!Romo’s snark, Gabester’s joie de vivre, and Gordon Ramsey’s face. He’s delectable and I’m shipping him with ERRBODY. No joke, Sparks, the Boys, Demon!Bela, Alastair, Ghost!Gordon, Gumbygirl, the Benders, his camel, Adam Lambert, myself. Hell, I’m likely going to be shipping him with RUFUS next week. For this reason alone, he will henceforth be called “Bicycle” in these recaps.
And then he mentions something about Sparks’ ass and tells Raph to “bite me.” Ok, so he might also be Dean Winchester LOL.
He Angel Snaps his way out of there since the cavalry is coming and then we get a glimpse outside of three men standing on the lawn looking ominous. Oh shit, look who it is! It’s Raphael, the Sassy Gay ArchAngel!
He warns his minions in the delicious Angel Monotone of Hot Sex and goes in to gank Bicycle. One of the minions, however, stays behind to deal with Dimples, who brandishes an angel sword left over from the motel fight. Minion #2 gives him a “sure buddy” look before Angel Airing it over so fast that the wind blows through his currently Luscious Locks.
(Jared/Wind machine OTP)
Freckles shows up and finally get to save the day (kinda) by sigiling Minion #2 away.
Minion #3 confronts Sparks and he’s like “Brother, I don’t want to hurt you, there is another way” and Minion #3 is like “blowjob?” and Sparks is like “Jesus Christ, is that all I’m good for? I’m starting to feel like Dean!“ and ganks him.
Suddenly Sassy Gay ArchAngel pops up from behind him and manhandles him a bit.
And then we get some epic Sparks Beatdown Porn! Let’s watch, shall we?
Just as our Sassy friend is about to smite the fuck out of Sparks, Bicycle comes to his rescue! OH BICYCLE, I KNEW YOU STILL HAD FEELINGS FOR HIM!
He whips out a piece of what’s I’m assuming is a piece of ground from Sodom and turns Sassy into a pillar of salt like Lot’s wife. This is hilarious because a) how many times have I typed the word “blowjob” in this recap and b) wasn’t Uriel the one that smited Sodom and Gomorrah?
Sparks is a little surprised that Bicycle came back for him but you know internally he’s squeeing. Bicycle says that Sassy will have to “go shopping for a new vessel” and it looks like RIP to Demore’s SPN career. Might I suggest a new actor? Let’s assume for a minute that Sera remembers canon enough to replace him with someone from the same lineage (I know, you are rolling your eyes at that assumption). How about my Perfect Man, Idris Elba? I mean, just because he’s, like, a movie star now doesn’t mean it’s not possible! I mean, he knows JDM! That has to count for something even if they can’t even get JDM himself back. Technicalities people.
Bicycle is about to pop off again before Freckles busts out to light a ring of holy oil around him. He says “no time like the present” and he sounds *exactly* like Demian the LARPer Dean from last season. Between that and the lighter, I bust out laughing.
Bicycle busts out the old “hairless ape” insult and alongside the Lot-like smiting I’m feeling really nostalgic for Uriel right now. Uricycle could have been so special.
Freckles puts on his special “talking to angels” version of the Batman Voice and then hollers “Saaaaam”. I finally get movement next to me on the couch.
: What did I tell you? Saaaaaam! He just exists so Dean can holler his name, baby.
Dimples comes out threatening to deep fry Bicycle, and I notice that the collar of his stylish velveteen blazer is popped! Can he get more amazing?
Bicycle is like “dude, what about the tent??” and Sparks is like “Dean gives pretty good blowjobs too” and Bicycle is like “ewww bestiality” and Freckles is like “ruh-roh” and Bicycle finally relents and gives PEK back his soul.
Freckles demands to know why he’s buying up souls anyway and Bicycle says “in this economy?” Seems like human souls are a hot commodity and hold great power. Well, yeah, duh. Famine sure liked them. Before Freckles can interject, Sparks clears his debt by putting out the holy fire and Bicycle Angel Airs it out of there. Sparks soon follows him, and the Boys are left to yell impotently about the angels dicking them around. As usual.
Then we get a lulzy scene of the boys trying to fit all of Dimples’ junk in the trunk of the Impala and awwww they are sharing a closet again! (I don’t mean like that, shut up) Of course we have to get…
Sera Sledgehammer #3
…to ruin it. Oh look, Personalityless Emo Pre-teen’s Halloween mask! In the trunk of the Impala! That he was yelled at for even touching! In a car that was supposedly under a tarp for a year! Yes, that makes complete sense that the mask would be in the trunk of the Impala and not, say, the truck or the minivan that I’m sure Gumbygirl drives. Sera, drop the domestic sledgehammer for a sec and attempt to make your canon make sense. There are ways to do it, I promise. Kthxbai.
Then, since we are by the car next to a body of water, we get a Very Special Winchester Conversation. In other words, they are going to ruin my buzz after a fun, Bicycle and Nudity filled episode. Freckles asks Dimples why he’s being such a douchebag and Dimples nearly sprains his dimples fake smiling at him. He asks him why he didn’t seem to give a shit that Sparks was torturing PEK and you know Dimples just wants to shrug but manages to act surprised by the question. Freckles points out that something “is different” with Dimples and he agrees, but says it’s because he’s been off hunting himself for a year and it made him “rough around the edges.” Freckles bring up his tour in Hell and tries to emphathize and all we get is more wank about who deals with hell better, who’s stronger, yadda yadda. Over it.
SAM HAS NO SOUL.
That’s my prediction and I’m sticking to it even though 90% of my theories are always wrong. LOL. It’s the only thing that makes sense, especially with all this talk about souls being important in this episode. Our fearless writers aren’t exactly subtle about what they allude to, so I’m taking it as a sign. He has no empathy, no emotional connectivity, no sense of anything beyond basic surface needs. I REFUSE to believe that Sera Gamble wants Sam Winchester to be that way for real. So he came back up, but his soul didn’t. It’s in the cage, it’s with the mystery man talking to G-Skinny, it’s in a vial around the neck of Bicycle’s camel, I don’t know, I don’t care, but it’s somewhere. Let’s hope we start the search to get it back before they destroy him completely.
Matt Cohen’s Thighs Hotness Scale: NUDITY +10 million
Old Spice Clouded Hinky Meter: Dimples Has No Soul -1 million
XX Chromosome Factor: Hooker with no business sense -5000
Wincestosity: Imagined threesome with Bicycle +1000; Boy Banter +5000
Masterlist of Season 5 recaps HERE