A few days ago Adam decided to favorite this tweet:
Could it be that Adam is unhappy with the way his fans conduct themselves in comment sections? Is this even possible?!?!
HAS HE EVEN READ THE HANDBOOK!?!?!
I mean every fan got one of these at orientation (except the two quoted above I guess) so I guess I had just assumed he was familiar with the rules and regulations as well. Let’s get him up to speed, shall we?
Here is an excerpt:
1.) You are required to comment:
First lesson in the being a fan handbook, sub-chapter “Protocol for Comment Section Interaction”, is that you are required to comment. This is non negotiable and failure to do so can result in the revocation of your state issued stan card. If there is an article, blog post, YouTube video, tweet from someone outside the fandom, or any other digital media with an available means to reply, your first duty as a fan is to make sure you get your message across.
2.) Always identify yourself:
When beginning your comment make sure to clearly identify yourself. This can be done in many ways, but it is highly recommended you begin by making it obvious to the reader that you are an Adam fan. The words “glam, glitter, sparkly, unicorn, rainbow, bulge, bert” proceeded or followed by a series of numbers in any sequence are suggested as they are easily recognizable. Next remember that there is a strict hierarchy among fandom so stating how long you have been a fan for, and what prompted your undying love and admiration, is suggested so as to give your comments a sense of importance to other readers. Last but not least is to remember that anyone over the age of 65 is required to state their age for the wonderment of others.
3.) Clarify your intention:
After clearly identifying yourself you must further support your intention for commenting. There must be no doubt for the reader that you are here for Adam and no other reason. Some ways to accomplish this is to make blanket statements about how he is better than any other artist that ever existed, denounce other singers and their talents, and mock others for enjoying other artists since they do not possess the same abilities as Adam. These are a few examples, but feel free to use your own judgement. Remember the ruder the better.
4.) Hyperbole, hyperbole, hyperbole:
This is one of the more important steps in completing your comment, for none is truly complete without a long diatribe extolling Adam’s many virtues. Some examples would be to call him a ‘rock god”, an “icon” or any other combination of superfluous adjectives. Comparing him to, or proclaiming him to be better than, past musical icons are not required but strongly encouraged. Long, lengthy musings on his various physical attributes and what they do to your private areas is recommended, no matter how graphic or tasteless. Examples on how he has changed your life, complete with an emotional anecdote, are always a good idea even if they have little to nothing to do with the subject at hand.
5.) Demonstrate Lack of Awareness:
This is not required but it certainly is a tactic that has been employed in the past to great result. Making yourself sound as completely out of touch as possible further reinforces that your love for Adam is true and untainted by reality. If you use this method you are required to state at least one of the following: that you do not enjoy popular music, or that you do not listen to popular radio. While you are only required to state one, using both packs more of a punch. If you do happen to bring up any type of musical or cultural touchstone you must make sure it occurred on or before December, 31st 1979.
6.) The “victim card”:
Last but certainly not least, this may be the most important part of the commenting process. Never underestimate the power of using the victim card. This is the idea that no matter what happens, Adam is and forever will be scorned. Remember that no praise will ever be enough praise and it is your duty as a fan to vigorously and bitterly point out the bad in any good situation. This includes but is not limited to: perceived snubs, being overlooked in the US, American Idol conspiracies, lack of radio play, and homophobia.
There you go. Now you are well versed in how to properly comment as a fan, go forth and make those comment sections your bitch.
There. I hope after reading this, Adam will see the error of his ways. For us fans weren’t actively trying to be embarrassing as fuck, no, we were simply following an established set of rules that were given to us on our first day as fans. Simple mistake. If he wishes to make an addendum to the handbook he can simply just submit one and we can all just modify our behavior as such. Easy peasy.
Thank you to Melirose89 for assistance in reviewing the handbook. It’s very ~wordy and technical and I appreciate her patience and grasp of the English language.